Thursday, October 22, 2009

On This Day In Sports History...


When: August 3-9, the 1936 Berlin Olympic Games

Luckily, FFGP2 had a futuristic recording device in Adolf Hitler's private booth during American Jesse Owens's events, capturing the historic moment on tape. The following is the transcript of said recording:

Adolf Hitler: Hey, everybody! Fuhrer in da house! Fuhrer in da house! Oh, I kid. Sit down, sit down. I mean, you can keep saluting, and don't ever forget to do that whenever I enter a room, but oh, I kid. You ready for this? Eva, get over here. Suck this dick...

(45 seconds of inaudible conversation; gurgling noises)

Unknown Man: Fuhrer, the Olympic Games were meant for Mother Deutschland, no?

Hitler (Slightly inebriated): Yeah, sure. Hey, babe. Yeah, you. My mustache do it for you? You like how the sides are gone? Just in the middle? Better for eating. Yeah, I said eating, and I don't mean thuringer rostbratwurst! Do you know who I am? This bitch kidding?

(1:37 of inaudible conversation)

Hitler: Guard, have this woman killed.

Unknown Man: Fuhrer, look! Look! How funny! An American negro!

Hitler: Oh, ho ho! I didn't know beloved Deutsch comedian Werner Finck was writing the script for these games! Look at the negro! Is he...is he serious? If this is the best America has to offer, I'll start drawing up the invasion right now! Everybody knows a negro is to athlete as Jew is to cleanliness!

Unknown Man: Oh! Zing! Count one for the Fuhrer!

Hitler: Gunther, get my bookie on the phone. Put 20,000 Reichsmarks on everybody but the negro.

(Inaudible conversation)

Hitler: Yeah, you're right. Make it 50,000 Reichsmarks on everyone but the negro. Money, money, money, mun-nay.....MUN-nay!

(At this point, you can hear the judge tell every athlete to get ready to begin the 100m sprint)

Hitler: (Snickering) He's so black! This is gonna be hilarious!

Unknown Man: Preposterous. Everybody knows you were right when you said white people, specifically German, were the best athletes. I mean, if you say it it's true, right?

(The gun is fired)
Hitler: Ohhhhhhhh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck.

(17 seconds of what sounds like whimpering)

Hitler: Can I...can I tell people I didn't say all that stuff? Can we go back and edit in "negro" instead of "Aryan"? Oh, fuck. I fucked up. I fuuuuuuucked up.

Unknown Man: Wait...who's that in second? Is that...

Hitler: Are you fucking serious?! ANOTHER negro?! Oh, fuck. Ohhhhhhhhhhh, fuck.

(The next day)

Hitler: Alright, alright. Time for the long jump. EVERYBODY knows negroes can't long jump. And on top of that, we've got Luz Long! He's so handsome and athletic!

Unknown Man: And Aryan!

Hitler: Yeah, yeah, yeah. And Aryan.


Hitler: Ohhhhhh, fuck. THAT'S Luz Long? That's who I was hedging all my bets on? I thought we were hunting out faggots? How did that one slip through our fingers? My credibility is fuuuuuuucked.

(The next day)

Uknown Man: Alright, Fuhrer. Time for the 200m sprint. No way a negro can run that fast for that long!

Hitler: Yeah, yeah, whatever. Is there some whiskey around here? Any pussy? I need something here.
Unknown Man: Sir, do you think...um...Jews are good athletes?

Hitler: How the fuck should I know? I'm the guy who said negroes were terrible athletes! Remember that guy that said white Germans were the best? That guy? That was me!

How many times has "Ohhhhhh, that picture. Ha, that's, uh, that's not your old grandpa. Let's forget about that picture" been said?


(Four days later)

(Hitler does not say a word. Audible conversation gives reason to believe he was HAMMERED)

This is the face of a man who has lost a many Reichsmark.



This is the face of a badass. Congratulations, Jesse. You undoubtedly have one of the coolest sports stories ever, and are one of my favorite athletes of all time.

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