NBA Tuesday

One year ago, this very space was dedicated to previewing the NBA Finals. At that time, I was a (legally) single man-about-town attempting to guess, eventually successfully, mind you, the fates of the Lakers and Celtics. Now? I am but a married father of three, suffering from a very degenerative second case of The Gout, and currently on trial for intimidation and exposure. Life has most certainly changed.

With that said, I did not watch a single conference final game in its entirety. With the wedding, honeymoon, and working, I was reduced to a box-score-checking kind of fan, catching the last few minutes of games and listening to the radio. I did see The Maverick Comeback against Oklahoma City, and followed the brilliance of Dirk Nowitzki and LeBron James on a nightly basis.

With credibility unmistakably assassinated, I present to you...

NBA FINALS EDITION: THE YEAR 2011

STARTING POINT GUARDS

Jason Kidd vs. Mike Bibby

I'll go ahead and sidestep (while still acknowledging) the easy joke about it being 1999. This is a really bizarre point guard matchup until you realize Jason Kidd is still pretty good, and Mike Bibby plays with LeBron James and Dwyane Wade.

So does Miles Simon sit at home and just get hammered while watching Mike Bibby play? Slamming hard liquor down and living vicariously with every Bibby shot, all the while calling him nicknames Bibby hasn't heard in 15 years? Things like "Come on, Baby B! Just like we did to Derek Anderson!", and laughing every time he messes up the Arizona fight song until the twelfth time, when he cries? Sound right to anyone else?

STARTING SHOOTING GUARDS

Dwyane Wade vs. DeShawn Stevenson

Yet another preseason Finals matchup bet I won. This battle pits the 2006 Finals MVP against a man with a backwards Pittsburgh Pirates "P" tattooed on his face.

Moving on.

STARTING SMALL FORWARDS

Shawn Marion vs. LeBron James

Ah, sports. What a delicious recipe! Let me get this straight: you take everyone's favorite player, grind him through a public relations nightmare, right about until you realize, "Jesus, yeah, that guy is good." You never really stop watching, nor halt appreciating what it is you're watching. You want to hate, but he makes it extremely difficult with his phenomenal play--on the court, of course. And you continue to root for him to lose, eventually because you're just tired of seeing him win.

That, and because sometimes he's just a douche. The other 99.2% of the time, though? Cool as shit.

And then, of course, you have LeBron James in this matchup.

STARTING POWER FOWARDS

Chris Bosh vs. Dirk Nowitzki

This duel is pivotal, with the two most obvious outcomes being:

1) Dirk wins a title, and catapults into the always hyperbolic "All They Do On The Radio and TV Now is Talk About Where He Ranks In History" cast for the next week.

2) The three games in Dallas are delayed by a combined 17 minutes as Chris Bosh tries to scrub the fecal matter into his dark-colored away shorts after seeing a montage of Dirk's offensive arsenal on the JumboTron pre-game.

STARTING CENTERS

Tyson Chandler vs. Joel Anthony

Not since Bird and 'Nique lit up the Garden have the NBA Playoffs seen the offensive explosion this individual matchup is sure to produce. The fundamental rebounding, the air-tight defense, the incalculable number of times Joel Anthony had to say, "No, it's Jo-elle" to a substitute teacher growing up. What a, well, another random matchup.

THE BENCH

Mike Miller, Udonis Haslem, James Jones, and Mario Chalmers vs. Jason Terry, Peja Stojakovic, Brendan Hawyood, and JJ Barea

Initially this has me worried if I'm rooting for the Heat, even if Haslem can be a beast and harass Dirk all night long. And even though his team has had ample rest for most of the playoffs, don't you still get the feeling JJ Barea is fatigued due to furiously bedding supermodels?

THE FAR SIDE OF THE BENCH

Brian Cardinal, Corey Brewer, and Ian Mahinmi vs. Juwan Howard, Zydrunas Ilgauskas, and Eddie House

Fun fact: Brian Cardinal has made around $38 million in his eleven year career.*

* = In a league which will almost certainly lockout next season to hammer some serious financial shit out, especially regarding foolishly lucrative contracts to fringe players.

COACHING

Erik Spoelstra vs. Rick Carlisle

I don't fucking know.

THE VERDICT

This is an incredibly difficult Finals to guess the result of while referring to yourself as an expert. I initially went with Mavs in 6, then felt foolish realizing that meant I was picking a team with LBJ and Wade to only win two games in a seven game series in which they have homecourt advantage, especially in the goofy 2-3-2 format. Has anyone looked better in these playoffs than the Mavericks, though?

Um, actually, maybe the Heat. Miami in 7.

No, wait. Mavericks in 7.

Shit, no. Heat in 3.