The ReScream Team

More than any other sport, a basketball team needs chemistry. All the cliches of basketball are cliches for a reason: they're just true. A team does need to be a well-oiled machine. A team does need to function as one. And above all else, a basketball team does need to consist of ruthless, cold-blooded killers (of the mortal or supernatural variety) that can strangle, stab, and decapitate in between layup drills and sprints. Therefore, I (putting my GM hat on) have put together a team I believe to be invincible, though I have included a scouting report on the starting five. They would without a doubt top ESPN's ridiculously stupid and invaluable Power Rankings. Without further adieu:

THE STARTING FIVE

Point Guard: Fred Krueger
School: THE Ohio State University

Strengths: Great size for a point guard. Blazing speed. Explosive athlete. Incredible leaper. Finishes strong above the rim. Great ball-handler. Very good in transition. Great passer. Very good shot blocker for a point guard. Long arms.

Weaknesses: Needs to improve his outside shot. Got charged with child abduction, molestation, and murder his senior year of high school. Knives for fingers. Turns the ball over too much. Needs to become a better defender.

Shooting Guard: Jack Torrance
School: Stovington

Strengths: Good size and strength. Very good ball-handler. Extremely aggressive. Used to being in the spotlight. 6'10" wingspan. Good pull-up jumper.

Weaknesses: Questionable attitude. Bad shot-selection. History of domestic abuse. Isn't outstandingly quick or athletic.

Small Forward: Michael Myers
School: Smithsgrove

Strengths: Big and strong. Huge wingspan. Overpowers defenders in the post. Can dribble the ball well for a big man. Good passer. Great shot blocker. Has range on his jumper.

Weaknesses: Not super-athletic or an explosive leaper. Needs to improve his conditioning. Post moves are still raw. Obsessed with killing his half-sister. Anger management issues.

Power Forward: Jason Voorhees
School: Crystal Lake Community College

Strengths: Explosive athlete. Powerful in the post. Good hands. Finishes strong above the rim. Terrific shot blocker. Good rebounder. Left handed (not pictured). Seven-foot wingspan. Championship experience.

Weaknesses: Still very inexperienced. Poor free throw shooter. Needs to add more weight/strength for the NBA. Can't get over that one time he drowned as a child.

Center: Leatherface
School: Homeschooled

Strengths: Long arms. Extremely athletic. Explosive athlete. Great shot blocker. Strong physique. Good in the post. Great rebounder. Has the potential to play on the wing and in the paint. Nice hands for a big man. Quick.

Weaknesses: Still inexperienced and raw. Needs to improve his footwork. His ball-handling has improved but it still needs more work. Sometimes when the calls don't go his way, he has these, well, the only noise we can compare it to is a squealing pig. Needs to add a little weight to play the post in the pros.

RESERVES

The Thing - Shooting Guard

That Zombie From 28 Days Later That Kind Of Looks Like Michael Irvin - Point Guard

Billy Loomis - Point Guard

Norman Bates - Small Forward

Graf Orlok - Shooting Guard

Jame "Buffalo Bill" Gumb - Small Forward

HEAD COACH

This one took some doin'. My first thought was Mrs. Voorhees, Jason's mother. Good motivator, good drive. But this isn't some stupid gimmick, like the WNBA, this is a real team! So next was Dr. Sam Loomis, but if he couldn't even get Myers under control, how's he going to coach this team? So obviously, the choice was:

Zombie Mike Krzyzewski


We got next.

The "English Patient" of the NBA

Mike Brown attempts to tell his team about that one time he won the 2008 NBA Coach of the Year award without laughing.

Normally, an NBA practice is a closed-door affair. Any smart head coach should know opening up his practice doors to the likes of a two-bit blogger would be career suicide. His precious plays! The countless hours of game planning! It would all be rendered useless once hitting the blogosphere, especially an ingenious insider website numerous GM's and scouts frequently refresh for the slightest edge in today's hypercompetitive sports world.

Not so with Cleveland Cavaliers head coach Mike Brown. He invited FFGP2 to his team's Wednesday morning practice in Toronto, and here's what we caught:

Mike Brown: Alright, guys! Time for Elbow 22Z! Elbow 22Z! Come on, guys! Run it!

Mo Williams: What's that, coach?

Mike Brown: You know, that one play where LeBron drives to the basket.

Anthony Parker: What do I do, coach?

Mike Brown: You, um, you (scanning notes) stand over there in the corner, Peter. Get your man out of the paint.

Anthony Parker: Peter? I'm Anthony.

Mike Brown: Anthony, right. You stand over there, Anthony.

(15 minutes later)

Mike Brown: Alright, guys. Good stuff we're running here. Now I wanna see Eagle Beige 11. Eagle Beige 11!

Delonte West: Yeah, that's a good one. What's that one again, coach?

Mike Brown: Look, guys. I know it's a very sophisticated offense. It's a Coach of the Year-worthy offense, actually. But we should all know these plays by now. Eagle Beige 11 is that play where, um, LeBron, like, beats his man off the dribble, then gets by another man, and KA-BOOH-GLAH! He just, you know, dunks it really hard.

Coby Karl (to Anderson Varejao): Oh, man. I love that play!

Mike Brown: Yeah, yeah. I drew it up. It's my play.

The Cleveland Cavaliers playbook consists of as many plays as LeBron's articles of clothing.

(20 minutes later)

Mike Brown: Yeah, I think we've got that one down. Alright, gather round, guys. Gather round. Next on the list is Des Moines Nightmare Throwdown.

Zydrunas Ilgauskas: My favorite. This is the same play as Eagle Beige 11, just set up for me, right?

Mike Brown: No. God, no. This is, you know, that one play where Shaq gets under the basket. Then, we pass it to him for, like, a baby sky hook. Or whatever you want, Shaq.

(35 minutes later)

(Mike Brown is taking a nap while Boobie Gibson, Daniel Green, and J.J. Hickson YouTube LeBron's high school highlights)

(45 minutes later)

(Mike Brown is still napping peacefully. Meanwhile, LeBron James is meticulously teaching his teammates pick-and-rolls, alleyoops, and zone defense)

(15 minutes later)

(Mike Brown wakes up, only to find his team running LeBron's plays)

Mike Brown: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! What is this? What the shit is this?

Jamario Moon: We just thought we'd run a few...

Mike Brown: You just thought nothing. You thought absolutely fucking nothing, Jamal. Sit your ass on the pine. You ain't seein' a damn minute tonight. You don't do...

LeBron James: Coach, I thought I'd add a few things to spice up the playbook.

Mike Brown: Oh! Well...well that's fantastic! That sounds great, LeBron! That sounds splendid! Just make sure that 80% of our plays are still either Elbow 22Z or Eagle Beige 11, and 15% Des Moines Nightmare Throwdown. Remember? Coach of the Year?

(For the final 30 minutes of practice, Mike Brown played NBA Live 95 on Sega Genesis and wrote down "badass plays" in a notebook)

The reason LeBron WILL leave Cleveland at the end of this season.

Happy NBA Day, Everybody!

To Wong Foo Thanks for Everything, Brad Childress!

Another week in the NFL, another bye week for the Indianapolis Colts. So let's roll through some quick thoughts on the other games in Week 7...

Ted Ginn Jr. can't play in the NFL. He just can't. It amazes me that some wide receivers in the NFL can't catch. Um, isn't that your only job? And you get paid millions to do it? Can you imagine if a garbage man got paid $8 million but couldn't pick up your trash?

I LOVE betting against Tampa Bay, Cleveland, and St. Louis. It's a second job that I don't have to work at. But I imagine the 20 point lines are coming...

There's a huge group of teams in the middle (i.e. Cowboys, Bears, Chargers) who have NO IDEA who they are. So how are we supposed to know?

Not only does John Fox now have to bench Jake Delhomme, he has to take him in the backyard and shoot him.

This hurts me as a Penn State fan, but Larry Johnson is just a bad, stupid guy.

PICS OF THE WEEK

Anything better than a hilarious quarterback comparison graphic? Yes, there is! How about one where the better one is arrogantly sitting between the two! I wish I would have gotten a pic of last week's HILARIOUS comparison of Brady (380 yards, 6TD's, 0 INT's) and Collins (-7 yards, 0 TD's, 1 INT). Only that would have topped this. Well, that or if Kyle Boller would have started.

Marc Bulger: Newborn or homeless, drunk cripple?

Austin Collie's missionary trip. If he weren't so awesome, I'd make fun of him more. You know, for being Mormon.

Bradley Fletcher, what do you have to say about this play?

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, fuuuuuuuuuucccccckkkkk!!!!"

The lesson, as always...

Don't make Miles Austin smile or laugh...

Because he is hideously ugly.

This week's game...

WHO DO YOU LEAVE YOUR CHILDREN WITH?

Ok, so you're leaving on a three day trip. Your normal babysitter has swine flu, and you need a quick fill in. Do you take...

Westley Allan Dodd?

Albert Fish?

Or Brad Childress, who supposedly wore lipstick, high heels, pantyhose, and a wig on the team plane to keep his team at ease?

So...what's Dodd's number again?

VIDEOS OF THE WEEK

My beef with this commercial: Who in the WORLD plays backyard football like this? Offensive and defensive lines but no defensive backs? Guys on the bench when they could be, you know, GUARDING THE RECEIVER? And the guy STILL has to dive for a pass a professional quarterback throws? Oh wait, it must be that intense pass rush from the BACKYARD FOOTBALL DEFENSIVE LINE that makes him sail it.

Well, I guess all gophers go to Hell...

QUOTE OF THE WEEK

"I don't think it's me personally, I really don't. It's a bad combination of one guy doesn't do something right one time." ~ JaMarcus Russell

SERIAL KILLER FACT OF THE WEEK

Eh, just read those Dodd and Fish things. Unreal.

On This Day In Sports History...

When: August 3-9, the 1936 Berlin Olympic Games

Luckily, FFGP2 had a futuristic recording device in Adolf Hitler's private booth during American Jesse Owens's events, capturing the historic moment on tape. The following is the transcript of said recording:

Adolf Hitler: Hey, everybody! Fuhrer in da house! Fuhrer in da house! Oh, I kid. Sit down, sit down. I mean, you can keep saluting, and don't ever forget to do that whenever I enter a room, but oh, I kid. You ready for this? Eva, get over here. Suck this dick...

(45 seconds of inaudible conversation; gurgling noises)

Unknown Man: Fuhrer, the Olympic Games were meant for Mother Deutschland, no?

Hitler (Slightly inebriated): Yeah, sure. Hey, babe. Yeah, you. My mustache do it for you? You like how the sides are gone? Just in the middle? Better for eating. Yeah, I said eating, and I don't mean thuringer rostbratwurst! Do you know who I am? This bitch kidding?

(1:37 of inaudible conversation)

Hitler: Guard, have this woman killed.

Unknown Man: Fuhrer, look! Look! How funny! An American negro!

Hitler: Oh, ho ho! I didn't know beloved Deutsch comedian Werner Finck was writing the script for these games! Look at the negro! Is he...is he serious? If this is the best America has to offer, I'll start drawing up the invasion right now! Everybody knows a negro is to athlete as Jew is to cleanliness!

Unknown Man: Oh! Zing! Count one for the Fuhrer!

Hitler: Gunther, get my bookie on the phone. Put 20,000 Reichsmarks on everybody but the negro.

(Inaudible conversation)

Hitler: Yeah, you're right. Make it 50,000 Reichsmarks on everyone but the negro. Money, money, money, mun-nay.....MUN-nay!

(At this point, you can hear the judge tell every athlete to get ready to begin the 100m sprint)

Hitler: (Snickering) He's so black! This is gonna be hilarious!

Unknown Man: Preposterous. Everybody knows you were right when you said white people, specifically German, were the best athletes. I mean, if you say it it's true, right?

(The gun is fired)

Hitler: Ohhhhhhhh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck.

(17 seconds of what sounds like whimpering)

Hitler: Can I...can I tell people I didn't say all that stuff? Can we go back and edit in "negro" instead of "Aryan"? Oh, fuck. I fucked up. I fuuuuuuucked up.

Unknown Man: Wait...who's that in second? Is that...

Hitler: Are you fucking serious?! ANOTHER negro?! Oh, fuck. Ohhhhhhhhhhh, fuck.

(The next day)

Hitler: Alright, alright. Time for the long jump. EVERYBODY knows negroes can't long jump. And on top of that, we've got Luz Long! He's so handsome and athletic!

Unknown Man: And Aryan!

Hitler: Yeah, yeah, yeah. And Aryan.

Hitler: Ohhhhhh, fuck. THAT'S Luz Long? That's who I was hedging all my bets on? I thought we were hunting out faggots? How did that one slip through our fingers? My credibility is fuuuuuuucked.

(The next day)

Uknown Man: Alright, Fuhrer. Time for the 200m sprint. No way a negro can run that fast for that long!

Hitler: Yeah, yeah, whatever. Is there some whiskey around here? Any pussy? I need something here.

Unknown Man: Sir, do you think...um...Jews are good athletes?

Hitler: How the fuck should I know? I'm the guy who said negroes were terrible athletes! Remember that guy that said white Germans were the best? That guy? That was me!

How many times has "Ohhhhhh, that picture. Ha, that's, uh, that's not your old grandpa. Let's forget about that picture" been said?

(Four days later)

(Hitler does not say a word. Audible conversation gives reason to believe he was HAMMERED)

This is the face of a man who has lost a many Reichsmark.

This is the face of a badass. Congratulations, Jesse. You undoubtedly have one of the coolest sports stories ever, and are one of my favorite athletes of all time.