Brace Yourself

Rivalries, while immensely entertaining and great for ratings, truly exist for properly ranking greatness. Bird and Magic pushed each other to limits they probably wouldn't have achieved alone in the 1980s NBA, as Manning and Brady do in today's NFL. When comparing two great players of the same era, personal performance and team success against your equal truly molds and defines a legacy, and while it's impossible to know how much a personal rivalry improves a specific player's performance, it undeniably factors in somehow.

Of course, pure greatness in its rarest form is unmatched. This occurs when something or someone is just too good for their competition, rendering it useless. This is when the term "greatest" starts getting thrown around. And since January 22, 2010, Hollywood had its equivalent of Michael Jordan, a specimen so great, its dominance went unrivaled.

As of February 14, the Dwayne Johnson vehicle Tooth Fairy was $4 million short of even making its budget back. Some sexy, reputable sources were even calling it the worst (or at the very least, the dumbest and most insulting) movie possibly ever made.

Back to this in a minute. Remember LeBron James's first Sports Illustrated cover?

This was a bold declaration to the NBA and its fans that a savior was on his way, even if he was just a junior in high school. After numerous Next Michael Jordans had come and gone, all failing to deliver on their bid to become His Airness II, some had given up their search. This magazine cover got people thinking again.

I, too, had given up my personal search for a shittier movie than Tooth Fairy. Then, as an angel singing in the night, this got me thinking again:



Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Let's slow it down a little. I know the plot might have whizzed by some of you like a Lincecum fastball.

Lucia (Ugly Betty's America Ferrera) is Mexican or Puerto Rican or something. We know this because some white executive picked a Mexican restaurant song to play during her trailer character development segment. Her father is Carlos Mencia, in the running for "Person I would most like to perform some sort of serious life-or-death surgery on even though I have no medical training whatsoever". Let's just say I enjoyed his death on South Park a little too much. For some reason, they make a "Carlos Mencia's character is so dumb, he probably thinks people still drive cars like they did in The Flintstones!" joke, even though it appears he works around cars everyday. Hopefully this gets resolved, and we find out in the movie if he really thinks that!

Marcus (and his "um, maybe some beats?" theme music) is black. So is his family, including T.J. Ford's father Forest Whitaker:

I thought I was a genius when I noticed the resemblance until a simple search revealed someone else put that on a message board - two years ago. I was crushed. Let's move on.

Whitaker either drives in England or had his car's steering wheel installed on the right side of the dashboard. This is unclear. What is clear is Forest's car gets towed - by Carlos Mencia! Racial barbs get thrown like rice at a wedding, and Mencia drives off the victor, never having to face his black rival again.

BUT NOW THEIR TWO WORLDS ARE ABOUT ABOUT TO COLLIDE! Guess what? Lucia's dad is Carlos Mencia! Marcus's father is Forest Whitaker! Oh wait, you knew that. But they didn't! I hope my deep laughter doesn't distract the patrons of my theater, and we can all keep up with the dialogue of the ensuing dinner scene. You know, the one after they find out they're about to be in-laws. Hilarity.

I hope the multiple scenes of a happy wedding towards the end of the trailer aren't spoilers!

Russell-Chamberlain. Federer-Nadal. Stockton-Price. And now...Tooth Fairy-Our Family Wedding.

Tiger Lama

Thank you kindly for allowing me that breath of sweet mountain air. I feel unprofessionally refreshed.

Some of you were worried for my mental and physical well being, so to extinguish some emotional wildfire I have included in today's blog an updated photograph of me to settle your stormy seas. Have no fear, for I am in good health.

Apparently, monstrously more famous people have come out of hiding lately, too...

Part of following this path for me is Buddhism, which my mother taught me at a young age. People probably don't realize it, but I was raised a Buddhist, and I actively practiced my faith from childhood until I drifted away from it in recent years. Buddhism teaches that a craving for things outside ourselves causes an unhappy and pointless search for security. It teaches me to stop following every impulse and to learn restraint. Obviously, I lost track of what I was taught.

Meanwhile, at the exact same time at the National Endowment for Democracy, on C-SPAN...

Alright, well since I'm obviously the most famous person in the world discussing the peaceful Buddhist philosophy on TV right now, let's start with...




Oh wait. That whisper accomplished nothing.

AWFUL THOUGHTS...

Man: Would you still bone him?

Man: Don't answer. I probably would, too.




THIS JUST IN...

Jamie has a book coming out entitled Jamie McMurray's Pit Stop: The Coolest Things You Can Do - On and Off the Asphalt - In the Red-Hot World of Stock Car Racing. I have secured a media copy of the manuscript, so here's the chapter list:

1 : Turn One: My life eatin' Doritos Nacho Cheese chips while drinkin' Mountain Dew

2. Yeehaw! Wearin' your firesuit to sleep!

3. Bunk beds

4. Rubbin', in every endeavor, is racin'

5. Fla-Vor-Ice

6. Ooooooh doggie! When girls take their shirts off in movies late at night

That's the first six anyway. The remaining 13 are Nintendo DS games, and one is about restrictor plates.

THE MOST POPULAR PART OF A PACER GAME

The neverending line of 40 year old white guys to get Larry Bird's autograph on their tickets, all throughout the game.

Yep, after a solid week off, the best I can come up with is a page of turd humor. What more can I say?

Art Fair!

Due to the sports strike, several hundred dollars opened up in the budget, leading to the first annual...

FFGP2 ART FAIR!

The following are drawings submitted from all over the world by the dearest of my readers...the children.

(Not-Safe-For-Work Pictures are on the bottom. I edited one, but the second child refused to have their work censored in any way. I respect that.)

Click on a picture for a better look!

THE DE-EVOLUTION OF THE ONCE PROUD WHITE MAN

Harry , 7 , New Haven, CT

Gertrude , 9 , Tuscon, AZ

Topher S. , 12 , Meridian, MS

POTENTIAL BLOCKBUSTERS

Piper, 8 , Columbus, OH

Tanner , 11 , Gainesville, FL




Gus , 6 , Portland, OR



Noah , 13 , Gulf Shores, AL

FUN WITH REAL PICTURES

Gabe , 14 , Tacoma, WA

Kerry , 6 , Corpus Christi, TX

Kevin , 15 , Speedway, IN

WEIRD SHIT

Toby , 9 , Sioux Falls, SD

Kinkade , 13 , Provo, UT

JerMichael , 8 , Omaha, NE

Gordon , 13 , Des Moines, IA

Templeton , 7 , Trenton, NJ

Arthur , 6 , Rochester, NY

AS SEEN ON THE INTERNET

Trudy , 6 , Washington, PA

Destiny , 12 , Bay City, MI

LET'S GO TO THE MOVIES

Jessica , 5 , Murfreesboro, TN



Juliette , 7 , Little Rock, AR


THE SOUND OF MUSIC

Trevor , 14 , St. Louis, MO



"A" FOR EFFORT, GUYS!

Aaron , 9 , Melbourne, Australia

Katie , 4 , Reno, NV

Dorsey , 12 , Guyman, OK

HORRIBLE WAYS OF FINDING OUT YOUR WIFE IS CHEATING ON YOU

Quinn , 6 , San Diego, CA (half done by Lauren , 26 , Indianapolis, IN)


HORRIBLE PERSON TO FIND YOUR WIFE CHEATING ON YOU WITH


Mason , 7 , Providence, RI

Isiah , 8 , Smyrna, GA

(inspired by an Applebee's crude napkin drawing by Joey , 27 , Indianapolis, IN)

THANKS TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SENT IN DRAWINGS!
from

Payoff Harvey

Former Indiana Hoosier Todd Leary was arrested in Bloomington, at Assembly Hall no less, right before the IU-Purdue basketball game on February 4th.

Let's dive deeper into what really happened, assuming Baltimore's finest somehow became Bloomington's best...

Detective Lester Freamon: Lieutenant, I left the final file regarding Marlo Stanfield's crew on Ronnie's desk this morning. Unless Levy can put some serious lipstick on a muthafuckin' pig, he should get eight years a count.

Lieutenant Cedric Daniels: Excellent police work, detective.

Freamon: Give me Leary.

Daniels: Now I know I hear a lot of bullshit around here, but did you just step into my office and demand Todd Fucking Leary? My man Mitch may have promised me a whole lot, but I'm still waiting...on...a whole...lot. You think I'm just going to be able to sign off on another wiretap? Re-route good police from the streets? Have Ronnie's people work 'round the clock...for Todd Leary?

Freamon: You don't understand this muthafucka, Cedric! He played for Knight, right? Then he got into real estate, dirty as a muthafucka I might add, with Joseph Garretson. Even started broadcasting some basketball games as a front. We're talkin' conversion, misappropriation of escrow funds, theft, and corrupt business influence. McNulty's even got an informant who's willing to testify, AND catch the muthafucka red-handed on the wiretap.

Daniels: He worked with Garretson? And McNulty's already got an informant? Something tells me this has been going on behind my back a hell of a lot longer than before today, Detective.

Freamon: I had to act quickly, sir. I'm sorry. And as far as McNulty's concerned, Irish son of a bitch is good for something, after all. You give me two weeks. That's all I need to put Leary's ass in bracelets.

Detective Jimmy McNulty: I swear, motherfucker just sang like a bird. I didn't even have to pull any bullshit! No lies, no threats. We've got Leary good.

Detective Bunk Moreland: Well damn, Jimmy. You givin' me a lump down there. You gonna take care of it for me?

McNulty: Turned on his own teammate. You better hope I don't pull some shit like that. One phone call and your wife would have your shit on the doorstep.

Bunk: Muthafucka I ever done some shit like that to you? You lucky Landsman even saw your ass bring this guy in here or I wouldn't even fuckin' believe you. I gotta see this shit for my own damn self. Open the door...

"Cheating's not the problem. It's getting caught that's the bitch." - Todd Leary

TO BE CONTINUED...