I've always withheld the following information from every single one of my friends to whom I've told this story. It's simply too fascinating to keep in one more day:
I saw "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan once at the Hendricks County Fairgrounds. Wrestling. He was wrestling for money at the Hendricks County Fairgrounds. I also saw Buff Bagwell there, but I'm not sure if it was the same night. If not, that means I've seen wrestling twice at the Hendricks County Fairgrounds. Someone asked me to go, assuming I enjoyed the first time I went, bought the ticket with my enjoyment in mind, and I said yes. Or I myself bought the ticket.
Either way, that is no juicy gossip around these parts. Everyone knows that.
Here is what you don't know.
They selected five people that night to go backstage and hang out with the wrestlers (okay, now I totally remember Buff Bagwell wasn't there. Yep, I've gone twice. Goddamnit). Indeed, I was the last person chosen. The American symbol of my youth was sitting behind that curtain, waiting for my much-too-old hand to greet.
After waiting in the range of a twelve minute line, the seated massive dough shook my hand and said, "Hey, it's always nice to meet my fans, Matt. My name's Jim", right? Took off the mask a little? Stepped out?
"HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"
Dead silence. Neither one of us knew what to say next, and we just stared at each other for easily seven seconds. Duggan finally broke the air with, "You know, I don't care what nobody says. You can kick 'er down but she comin' up. 'merica's had some bad times, but you look at the history books, friend. She's had 'em before, and some good young men stood up for her and all of us."
I couldn't tell if he was in character or if this was just who he really was. There are so many uber-patriotic hillbillies in this nation, Vince McMahon could have very reasonably driven through a town one night and picked one off the street.
I found my footing and answered, "This was awesome, man. I grew up watching you. Are you doing okay? I've seen some pretty rough documentaries about professional wrestlers. The stats aren't great, but you look like you're staying in really good shape."
Admittedly, kind of a weird thing to say to somebody you're meeting for the first time. Did I totally mean it? I don't know. I probably just wanted him to think I was cool, which perfectly frames my adolescent prioritizing skills. Or young adult. Whatever. I don't remember.
At this moment, a younger woman crept around the curtain and said something I couldn't quite decipher, but undoubtedly in the "Come on, Jim! Let's get goin'! I wanna do drugs and fuck!" fashion. Let's just say if masturbating is a 4 out of 10, this woman was a 2. If you told me this girl was my daughter in 17 years, I'd slide down a wall in front of my wife, the end result being something similar to this:
This was a crucial moment. How would Duggan react to this woman? Would he say something about why the flag has 13 bars, seven of which are red? Perhaps about the economic position of American Vietnam War vets?
"What did I tell ya about pokin' your head in here when I'm meetin' with a goddamn fan? Huh? What did I goddamn tell ya?"
"You sai..."
"Shut up. Get outta my face. The boys know where we're goin'. They know where the place is. You can go to the hotel if you don't wanna go. I don't give a shit whatchyoudo."
The poor girl rightfully got upset and kicked the post holding the curtain up, and it fell down on this cardboard stand either Duggan's people or the fairground staff put up, which had a children's replica of a championship wrestling belt, some 2x4s, and about a thousand clippings from various wrestling magazines, all of them mentioning Duggan. Each instance was highlighted. One page even just had "Dug-" as the last word, with "(Continuing on Page 76)" underneath.
The struck post smashed into this bizarre Duggan shrine and destroyed about 17% of it. I'm definitely thinking I should leave. She looks at me like I'm going to stick up for her against "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan, and while I love defending the honor of a woman, I wasn't quite sure how to defend the far more deadly "Three Point Stance". I looked back at her in what is certainly the most emasculating moment of my life.
"Oh, you better be in that car when I'm done with these kids. You better be in that fuckin' car."
The unattractive young woman pulled the curtain shut. Duggan stared at the curtain for a few seconds, turned to me smiling and said, "You want me to sign somethin'?"
(For unwanted future legal reasons, a great deal of this story is fabricated.)
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