The Worthless Legends Series

Sure, we all know the legendary good performances of sports yore: Oscar Robertson's 30.8 points, 12.5 rebounds, and 11.4 assists per game in the 1961-62 NBA season; Ted Williams's .406 AVG, 37 HR, and 120 RBI in 1941; Eldrick's "Tiger Slam" in 2000-01.

Ho hum, right? You've got ESPN Classic for that mundane nonsense. That's not why you came here today. Those eye-popping numbers of athletic accomplishment are the mashed potatoes, but we Americans like gravy.

That is why FFGP2 is introducing THE WORTHLESS LEGENDS SERIES. These maverick titans see success, a financially-stretched and downtrodden public of out-of-work educators and overqualified college graduates, and public appearances without shame and say, "I DON'T GIVE A SHIT".

Therefore, they shall...nay...MUST be saluted.

Today's recipient of the WORTHLESS LEGENDS SERIES Courage Award goes to:

Indiana Pacers center Jeff Foster

Jeff may stand tall at 6'11", but his on court résumé was short enough in the 2009-10 NBA season to justify waiving the mandatory five year waiting period necessary (for mortals) to join this magnificent pantheon of lore.

Jeff saw the season's schedule ahead of time and boldly proclaimed, "Eighty-two games, huh? Maybe for a well-conditioned athlete with a functioning back. Pencil me in for sixteen. Just you watch. And in two of those, I tell you what, I'm going to play less than four minutes."

He succeeded. Oh, and how.

Mr. Foster scored 49 points...total, for a stellar average of 3.1 per game. Not that much, you say? That's because Jeff perfects the dirty deeds, accumulating the "hustle points" that coaches only dream about in today's prima donna rich NBA, such as standing up after time-outs to clap while wearing a suit, or joking around with the other white players at the end of the bench.

And hogging the team masseuse and therapeutic hot tub from aching players who actually see minutes in the games? You can't teach that.

On top of it all, Jeff Foster does not "play" for free. Oh Lord, no. He was paid, and handsomely. Mr. Foster pocketed a cool $6,077,500 for his, um, services last season. Yes, you read that correctly.

Jeff Foster's ailing back kept him from commenting on this heroic achievement, but a spokesperson close to the situation had this to say regarding the honor:

"I hope the tens of dozens of Indiana Pacers fans really took the time to appreciate the treat they were receiving this season when Jeff Foster stepped onto the court. What community wouldn't want a player who averaged $124,030.61 for every point scored, or $75,030.86 per rebound? I mean, come on Pacer Nation, sometimes all you can do is tip your hat to a man who got paid $276,250 for every shot he made.

"I mean, Christ," he added,"the team went 3-13 in the sixteen games Jeff participated in. You do the math. That's $2,025,833.30 per win. Can someone say bargain?"

This lone dribble made Jeff Foster more money than you'll see all year, you fucking loser.