The Results of Yesterday's Election in a Thinly-Veiled Ridiculous Sports Metaphor

Hello, everyone. As you all know, I am the United Football League commissioner Michael Huyghue. Thank you for joining me in this impromptu meeting to discuss the National Football League's monopoly on the sport of American football; how we, the victims of this travesty, plan to dig ourselves out of our admittedly self-inflicted hole; and, at the end of the meeting, conduct a vote on our next course of action.

Please allow me to introduce to you a man who, while we greatly differ in the future of professional football, and I personally believe he did us all a great disservice by making a mockery of the game nine years ago, a man who certainly needs no introduction: Vince McMahon.

Alright, damnit. Sure, we have a hole to get out of. No, not too many people in this room were very pleased with the investment they made on the XFL, Mr. Huyghue.



With all due respect, Mr. McMahon, you're not saying anything any of us in this room hasn't said before. We understand it's a bad situation. We understand the public has absolutely no confidence in our leadership nor our product.

I propose greater spending: more advertising to compete; more TV revenue; greater player salaries to compete and lure the sport's greatest free agents. Yes, it's an unfortunate time right now, but we can dig ourselves out of this. Unfortunately, it's not going to happen overnight.

Mr. McMahon, your response?

I'm sorry, Mr. McMahon, but that's not a solution. You're just disagreeing without coming up with a course of action of your own. Sure, we need a viable economy to compete with the NFL, but there's gotta be more to this, right? I mean, what is this all about?

Mr. McMahon, now you're just being childish. Rallying against an idea without a solution of your own doesn't legitimately count as your own platform, solution, or idea.

Fine. Surely the fine voters will see through this ridiculous charade. My last statement is this: just stick with me. Sure, I kinda suck. I'll be the first one to admit that. But can't you see I at least have a plan? It's starting to work! I want to incorporate gambling more! Americans love to gamble on sports, and if we didn't hide behind the truth like the NFL and college, I think more Americans would embrace us. We just need a little more time.

Mr. McMahon, your response?

Congratulations, America! You're Marty Jannetty!