Murder in the Desert

Even God will laugh at his dejection walking in the parking lot

While driving home from the game (in Glendale, AZ, thanks to the Fake Field Goal Pass 2 press pass) I heard the Great Bob Lamey say blocking dummies were being brought back out onto the field. Surely Ken Whisenhunt wasn't bringing his team back out to practice immediately following the game, was he? Was a professional football coach that ashamed of his squad? Enough to enforce the humiliation of millionaire athletes by practicing in front of the remaining fans and media, after a particularly grueling and long slaughter? Was it that bad of a loss?

No. Turns out the stadium was setting up for some stupid "Let Your Kid Run On The Field After The Game!" thing. Yet the image of the Cardinals practicing late into the night even entering in the realm of possibility meant it was a damn enjoying game if you, like me, are an Indianapolis Colts fan.

Dwight Freeney and Robert Mathis were so brutally animalistic, a couple friends and I began wondering if offensive lineman yelp in an attempt to warn their quarterback of an impending sack when they are just embarrassed off the snap. If so, I guarantee Cardinals left tackle Mike Gandy said at least four of these five things last night:

1. "Kurt! Kurt! I can't hold him, Kurt! He got past me!"

2. "Watch out, Kurt!"

3. "He got past me again, Kurt!"

4. "I tried to warn you, Kurt. It was just too late."

5. (Dejected, trying to gain sympathy) "Simply put, I'm playing like shit tonight, guys. You won't see this kind of performance again all year. I'll see to that. I'll see to that, Kurt."

Granted, two of those things were sheepishly said in the huddle, but did anyone want that game to end faster than Mike Gandy? And does Arizona's left-footed, Australian punter have any friends on the team? Did the Cardinals actually kick away from Chad Simpson - out of fear? Ahhh, blowout thoughts.

I won't bore you with things you already know: Peyton Manning, Reggie Wayne, Dallas Clark, and Adam Vinatieri* are all really good. (* signifies being really good at missing kicks the last two seasons) I do want to bore you with exactly what needs to happen for the Colts to win in the playoffs: A competent, rested running game (Donald Brown and Joseph Addai - yes, he too - looked really good), a fast defense who could still cut the penalties down, and a competent special teams, provided former special teams coach Russ Purnell stays at least 200 feet away from the game at all times. The Colts (and the surprising number of Colts fans at the game, which is awesome considering my dad and I had season tickets when Jeff George was the quarterback and our own stadium struggled to get that many fans) got exactly that last night. And it felt good.

The Colts got 80% better immediately the day Russ Purnell was fired. In this undated photograph, Purnell is instructing Matt Giordano on how many tackles he should miss during an opposing team's kickoff return.


So without further adieu, my photographs and video of the game:


Is there anything better than a stupid mascot entering the frame during an important game? When my friend Dan and I had season tickets to the Colts at the Dome, we would always laugh during the National Anthem. Not in mockery of Francis Scott Key's songwriting, but because the Arby's Oven Mitt was standing underneath the goal post. That goofy costume had to stand there and salute the flag. They are just ridiculous things. Grown people who wear that out in public and want high-fives from players after touchdowns and mess with kids. And do this.

This is Colts center Jeff Saturday, the first player to realize if a ball hits the goal post camera, the kick is good. Leave it to Handsome Husky Eyes to know the rule book so well. I bet he and Peyton make jokes with playbook terminology, and have developed an arsenal of tender buttocks touches, ranging from picking up an impending blitz to a cue to change the channel.

Anyone who's ever played Madden has executed this play, with similar results. Don't feel bad! Pros do it, too!

The last few years Dan and I had season tickets, we felt bad admitting when the games were a wee bit boring during the second halves to attend live. The Colts would have a comfortable lead, the other team would be playing like shit, and it wasn't much to look at. I thought this game kind of had that going for it towards the very end, but after seeing the Detroit Lions win their first game since 2007, and imagining for just two seconds what it would be like to be a Cleveland Browns fan, I'll cherish this win just a little bit more. Boredom is not always a bad thing.

P.S.

If Roger Goodell is reading this (a laughable notion), please don't sue me for taking a video and putting it on a website. Like eight people read this. And I don't even know how to begin getting the expressed written consent necessary to post it. Have mercy.