Scraping By Is Hard To Do

A trip to South Florida has no definitive meaning. It could be a Carnival Cruise ride from Miami to Jamaica, where a local man resembling Mr. Echo publicly ridicules a grotesquely pale 8-year old Indiana boy for commenting on the sweltering heat. Really? Where is 100+ degrees not hot, Mister Fucking Echo? You tell me where 100+ degrees isn't hot. When you find the answer, I'll be typing on a personal computer in America while you're giving tourist tutorials on shaking fruit out of trees in the sun. Ad-in.

Forgive me. Apparently, I never let that one go.

A trip to South Florida for 23 of the Indianapolis Colts last night was a return to the glorious spot of Super Bowl XLI. Personally, I had planned the evening around a dim, drawn bath accompanied by the soothing man-boy emotion of Daughtry's first album of heartfelt reflection. Only then could I magically return to that glorious, wet night in February of 2007.

Unfortunately, I fell asleep in the tub Heather Langenkamp style, waking just in time for the game. Apparently there's no time for basking in the NFL. And there's certainly no time for Chris Daughtry's bald vagina.

The Colts entered the game as 3 point favorites, a line every single person in the world except Tony Sparano's family and coaching staff assumed would be obliterated. And speaking of Tony Sparano's coaching staff, obviously the most under-reported sports story of the year so far has to be how Stone Cold Steve Austin got a job as a Miami assistant:

How many pairs of boobs has this guy signed "Stone Cold"?

OK, so it's really Evan Marcus, the Dolphins' strength and conditioning coach, but Jesus Christ, he looks like he's about to stun Joey Porter. I bet that guy gets free drinks at every bar in the South. If Vince McMahon was walking towards this guy, wouldn't he wave and start to ask how he was doing until they got at least three yards away from each other? Does he have a black vest and jean shorts?

Even with the added sideline intimidation factor of the Rattlesnake, I thought the Colts should easily take care of business. After all, we had Tiger Woods on our sideline. The sad thing is, I guarantee a good portion of Americans think Stone Cold is the superior athlete. And they'd be right, if beating women were an Olympic sport.

The Colts got off to a slow start offensively, if you consider anything over 11 seconds slow. When Peyton Manning found Dallas Clark for an 80 yard touchdown on the first offensive play of the game, I thought the rout was on. The two factors that led me to believe this:

1) The Dolphins were playing rookies at cornerback.

2) The Dolphins were playing Michael Cera at quarterback.

This one is certainly about to get out of hand. Or so I thought.

The Dolphins ran at fucking will. The Wildcat accomplished anything and everything it wanted. I hoped the Colts defense had maybe practiced for at least two seconds on it during the week leading up to the game, but apparently I have no idea how a practice is run in football. I did quit playing in fifth grade, after all. When Ronnie Brown punched it in to mercilessly end the bleeding, I felt like I was punched right in the dick.

After a nothing-to-write-home-about offensive possession, the Colts punted it back to the beast. The run game once again ate us up, and when it did come down to a passing situation, Tim Jennings decided to play off his receiver 10 yards on a 3rd and 5. Sports has to take years off your life. That's why men on average have a shorter life span than women. And I'm going to die four years earlier than a woman because of Tim Jennings and five yards. Fantastic. At least we held them to a field goal.

After a first down catch by Reggie Wayne and a first down run by Joseph Addai, it's classic Manning: He hurries up the offense and calls a play while Miami is substituting players, inducing a too many men on the field penalty on Miami. This is exactly what Joey Porter was bitching about the Colts while a member of the Pittsburgh Steelers. Apparently it bothers him, but not enough to warn his new team. I can see how this would be annoying, just like I can see how Reggie Miller annoyed anyone who wasn't a Pacer fan by sticking his leg out on jump shots to create contact to get to the free throw line. Guess what? Reggie is currently 9th in NBA history in free throw percentage. It worked and it's smart. After another hell of a first down catch by Wayne, Adam Vinatieri surprises me (anything over 35 yards is a surprise these days with Adam) with a 42 yard field goal to tie the game.

The next Dolphin offensive possession is officially the drive the refs decide to let Jake Long get a 0.4 second head start before the snap on Dwight Freeney. You know, to make it fair. Freeney gets a third down sack anyway and the Fins are forced to punt, the Colts go 3-and-out, and Gruden shocks everybody by announcing his "Killer B's" moniker for Gary Brackett, Raheem Brock, and Melvin Bullitt. I love the Colts, mind you, but that's not catching on.

After a beautiful sideline play to Clark (how do you not play the sidelines with less than ten seconds left in the half if you're Miami?) Adam Vinatieri shocks the hell out of me again with a field goal off the upright. Whew. I can't believe we're lucky to be tied at halftime against the Dolphins, at least compared to my obviously misguided pre-game confidence.

After a third quarter I will not speak of where the Colts only ran three offensive plays (three!) I pondered where this would rank in the Most Excrutiating Colts Games of All Time. It couldn't overtake last season's playoff game with San Diego, where punter Mike Scifres had the greatest game by a player at any position in the history of competition of any kind. It couldn't overtake the 21-3 beat-down by the Pats in Foxborough II. But while those games were ultimately losses, something about Peyton Manning still gave me hope.

Austin Collie (a white, Mormon receiver from BYU who wears a do-rag!) and Donald Brown then made the Colts front office awfully proud with a first down reception and touchdown, respectively. Hopefully this trend continues for many years to come.

Remember that part about dying earlier than women because of sports? Here's where that comes into play:

3rd Down Efficiency: IND - 3/7 (43%) MIA - 15/21 (71%)

Total Plays: IND - 35 MIA - 84

Time of Possession: IND - 14:53 MIA - 45:07

Frustrating Offsides Penalties: Not sure. I put my head in the oven after four. Were there any more after that?

Have I mentioned this game was excrutiating to watch? Well it was, and anytime the Dolphins only got a field goal (or in one instance, a missed field goal) I felt fortunate. The Dolphins were up 3, 23-20, when God got the ball back.

I've failed to mention up to this point that I hid a tape recorder in the Colts' special teams office this past week, catching this conversation on tape:

Ray Rychleski, Colts Special Teams Coach

"Ok, so Chad, you remember the gameplan for returning kicks against the Dolphins, right? What are you gonna do again when you catch the ball?"

Chad Simpson, Colts Kickoff Return Man

"I'm gonna run right into the first group of players I see. I won't look for holes, I'll just run right into them."

Rychleski

"Correct!"

Along with Simpson, I had just written Pierre Garcon off. He had let me down for at least the second time that night when he did something I can't even remember now, so it must not have been dreadful. He was just non-existent. The first letdown was a pass downfield earlier in the game I thought Marvin could have brought in. But should I really be getting on Pierre Garcon for not making one catch that only one or two guys in the history of the league probably could have made? Then he did something Marvin can't do at this point in his Hall of Fame career: Score on a screen pass for a game winning touchdown. No way would Marvin blow through the defense with that kind of speed today. And with that, welcome to the Colts, Pierre.

After Vinatieri's third surprise of the night (a touchback, Adam? Have you been working out with baseball players?) the Sparano-Cera duo hit the field for the most important drive of their season to this point. And what do they do with it? Waste 40 seconds before calling a timeout, followed by back-to-back run plays. Thanks for the game, guys! Anytime your game comes down to Chad Pennington throwing a "Hail Mary" by his standards, you're probably going to win. That's for the 41-0 clobbering in 2001, Chad, the Number 3 game on The Most Excrutiating Colts Games of All Time list.

But was it luck? The Patriots seem to always win when they have to, whether it's an opposing coach calling a timeout before a crucial fourth down stop, or a player inexplicably running the ball out of the end zone only to fumble and give up a two-score lead. The Yankees always win in bullshit manner, coming back on a hapless Orioles or Blue Jays team with a late-inning rally to snatch a victory from the jaws of defeat. That's just what good teams do. A bad team would have been pulverized last night by the rushing offense and time of possession. That's what wins football games, right? The Colts didn't even have the ball for a full quarter. But they still won, and Manning overtook the great Johnny Unitas on the Colts All Time wins list.

The Colts left South Beach two years ago with a Super Bowl title. They left last night with a lot of questions on defense, annoying penalties, a Hall of Fame quarterback, and a win.