The King Is Dead

Spoiler Alert: This is exactly how I felt at the end of First Knight.

The procession was led by "a grett company of chylderyn in ther surples" and watched by Londoners "wepyng and lamenting"; the funeral chariot, draped in cloth of gold, was topped by an effigy of Edward, with crown, sceptre, and garter.

~The death of King Edward VI

Depending on whether he were a man of the people or a tyrant, a king's death was met by great sadness or tremendous relief. Nevertheless, his people were undoubtedly affected, and the mood's respective shadow was cast over his kingdom.

I was once a subject under the reign of King James of Akron, and it is with great sadness today that I admit my former divine leader is nothing more than a jester douche, a powerless pauper no longer within the realm of the living. His procession has come and past, and I stayed inside to fashion the crown of Prince Durant.

I was in Chicago with my fiancee on the night of "The Decision". Signs of "LeBron or Bust" were all over the place, and the city was insatiable. They had seen Jordan. They had seen Pippen. Hell, they even saw Corzine. And yet, they were ready and willing for the new dynasty to begin. Every city was. LeBron had (purposefully) dangled his meat for three years in front of every fanbase's eyes, planting a seed in their brains: Maybe even you can be lucky enough to watch me play.

I didn't even watch the entire show. Anna and I went on an architecture boat tour (yep, this is who you read now--deal with it) and rode our bikes through the city. I had to stop, of course, when the announcement was to be made. We parked our bikes and I hopped in a bar just in time for Jim Gray to ask him where he was headed. I wanted him to say Cleveland so bad, and so did the people (from Ohio) sitting next to me. Surely he wouldn't do this to Cleveland on national TV.

Well, obviously we all know what happened next. I shouted an obscenity and got back on my bike, not wanting to watch a second more. The nation's favorite basketball player, in five seconds, became Public Enemy Number One.

LeBron James, in happier times.

So, why am I posting this now, almost three full months after "The Decision" aired? Well, first of all, I quit writing about sports for a while. I had to clear my head, prioritize some things, and, honestly, I just got sick of sports. There's only so many times you can hear about Brett Favre (or people who talk about Brett Favre every day making fun of how much Brett Favre is talked about), LeBron, or Michael Vick until you just think, "You know what, I'm done with it." ESPN is so ridiculous these days, it's almost unfathomable. If I see TMZ for two seconds, I get mad that someone could watch that religiously. Then I remember that's EXACTLY what ESPN goes for these days.

People talk about how obnoxious players like Terrell Owens and Chad Ochocinco are, yet this year's Madden video game (which, for the record and my own personal satisfaction, I have not played) now has a "Swagger" rating, dictating whether or not a player celebrates after a touchdown.

Lockouts are threatening both the NFL and NBA, while the NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament (which EVERYONE thinks is perfect the way it is) is changing its format, while the BCS (which NO ONE thinks is perfect the way it is) remains the same. And I've yet to hear one good reason (or for that matter, one person in favor) for the NFL to switch to an 18-game schedule.

If "if ain't broke, don't fix it" is still a relevant phrase, it should really just back away and pretend it doesn't see what is happening in sports in 2010.

Oh, and the other reason I'm talking about LeBron today? He played the race card, saying some of the backlash from his public image meltdown is due to race. Really, LeBron? I'm sure it was, you know, to people who are already racists. For everyone else who bought your professional jerseys, high school jerseys, shoes, T-shirts, tickets, and posted your image on billboards, it was just plain selfish, self-serving, and ego-maniacal. Yes, all three of those words pretty much mean the same thing. That's how disappointed I am.

Related note: Three years ago Kobe Bryant wanted to be The Man on a championship team and people killed him. Now, LeBron wants to play unselfishly on a team with his friends and people kill him. Guess what? It worked for Kobe, and it's probably going to work for LeBron. With that said, LeBron's "Decision" was the best thing that could have happened for Kobe Bryant's legacy.

Congratulations, guys! You won "The Decision"!

So, this is why I make my "sports website" a collection of poop and dick jokes. That's what sports are. Do I love them? Absolutely. Will I always watch them? Of course. Will I go to the Heat-Pacers game, and watch every Miami game on TV? Undoubtedly. That's why sports is a big Chuck-E-Cheese ballpit of fun and hypocrisy. Just keep them in perspective.

With that said, the reign of Durant has begun. Long live The King.