Fired Pt. 3

A Rivalry Defined

"Gather round, children. Tonight's story is unlike any you have heard in my 'NFL History Before Bedtime' series. Tis a story of pride, accomplishment, and respect."

I quit writing right after this first part. I was going to do a cutesy thing about an old man reading the story of Brady-Manning to some kids, and a child asking at the very end, "So...it's just like last night's story of Montana-Marino, only if Montana had slightly better stats and Marino had better toys and one championship?", followed by something stupid and nihilistic about how this is all just radio and TV fodder, and how too many extenuating circumstances cloud the debate, and why we care so much about two guys who are never on the field at the same time except to shake hands.

Then my classes got canceled and I did this:

BREAKING DOWN THE RIVALRY

Criteria: A "great game" is what it says--great. Efficient, masterful orchestration of the offense; above-average statistics (achieved in the flow-of-the-game); and no team-killing mistakes (with no more than one interception, unless a fantastic game-winning drive is involved). The player was game-planned against by professional coaches and players, yet no defensive scheme or tactic could stop them. (Note: The player's team cannot be blown out if they play a "great game".)

A "decent game" is a performance just good enough to keep your team in the game; running a run-oriented offense efficiently; "managing the game"; nothing spectacular; or so-so statistics (or fantastic statistics with just maybe one too many mistakes, or fantastic statistics that don't necessarily translate to points on the board).

A "bad game" is if a player with even a half-decent performance played instead, the game would perhaps have a different outcome; horrible statistics; a player "shits the bed"; in extreme cases, "Jake Delhomme-esque".

A "defining drive" is when the player leads his team on a game-winning drive (usually in the fourth quarter or overtime).

A "choke job" is when the player has an opportunity to lead his team on a game-winning or game-tying drive (always in the fourth quarter or overtime) and fails to do so, via a stupid decision, costly mistake, or poor performance.


Sept. 30, 2001 -- Pats 44, Colts 13

Obviously, a laugher for New England.

MANNING

20-34, 196 yards, 1 TD, 3 INT, 1 rushing TD

BRADY

13-23, 168 yards, 0 TD, 0 INT

HERO

Um, Mark Rypien? He got into the game late for Indy and went 5-7 for 57 yards.

GOAT

Manning. Out of his three interceptions, two were returned for touchdowns.

RECORD

1-0 New England

QB COMPARISON

0 Great Games for Manning, 0 Great Games for Brady

0 Decent Games for Manning, 1 Decent Games for Brady

1 Bad Games for Manning, 0 Bad Games for Brady

0 Defining Drives for Manning, 0 Defining Drives for Brady

0 Choke Jobs for Manning, 0 Choke Jobs for Brady

Stats - Manning (59% COMPLETION PERCENTAGE, 196 yards, 1 TD, 3 INT, 1 RTD); Brady (57% COMPLETION PERCENTAGE, 168 yards, 0 TD, 0 INT, 0 RTD)


Oct. 21, 2001 -- Pats 38, Colts 17

Ah, the days when they were in the same division and played twice a year.

MANNING

22-34, 335 yards, 1 TD, 0 INT

BRADY

16-20, 202 yards, 3 TD, 0 INT

HERO

Brady. Stellar performance.

GOAT

None.

RECORD

2-0 New England

QB COMPARISON

0 Great Games for Manning, 1 Great Games for Brady

1 Decent Games for Manning, 1 Decent Games for Brady

1 Bad Games for Manning, 0 Bad Games for Brady

0 Defining Drives for Manning, 0 Defining Drives for Brady

0 Choke Jobs for Manning, 0 Choke Jobs for Brady

Stats - Manning (67% COMPLETION PERCENTAGE, 531 yards, 2 TD, 3 INT, 1 RTD); Brady (67% COMPLETION PERCENTAGE, 370 yards, 3 TD, 0 INT, 0 RTD)


Nov. 30, 2003 -- Pats 38, Colts 34

Willie McGinest and Bethel Johnson won this game for the Pats.

MANNING

29-48, 278 yards, 4 TD, 1 INT

BRADY

26-35, 236 yards, 2 TD, 2 INT

HERO

McGinest/Johnson. Willie's faked injury stalling tactic/goal line stand was a heads-up sequence, and Johnson's kick returns were huge.

GOAT

The Colts goal-line offensive play-calling.

RECORD

3-0 New England

QB COMPARISON

1 Great Games for Manning, 1 Great Games for Brady

1 Decent Games for Manning, 2 Decent Games for Brady

1 Bad Games for Manning, 0 Bad Games for Brady

0 Defining Drives for Manning, 0 Defining Drives for Brady

0 Choke Jobs for Manning, 0 Choke Jobs for Brady

Stats - Manning (67% COMPLETION PERCENTAGE, 809 yards, 6 TD, 4 INT, 1 RTD); Brady (71% COMPLETION PERCENTAGE, 606 yards, 5 TD, 2 INT, 0 RTD)

(Note: This one was tough. While Brady completed a ridiculous 74% of his passes and won the game, his average yards per attempt was only seven, and he had two interceptions. Decent is an understatement, but great is a little too strong.)


Jan. 18, 2004 (Playoffs) -- Pats 24, Colts 14

Brady wins with a trip to the Super Bowl on the line.

MANNING

23-47, 237 yards, 1 TD, 4 INT

BRADY

22-37, 237 yards, 1 TD, 1 INT

HERO

Ty Law had three of Manning's four interceptions.

GOAT

Manning. Four interceptions in a playoff game is hard to swallow.

RECORD

4-0 New England

QB COMPARISON

1 Great Games for Manning, 2 Great Games for Brady

1 Decent Games for Manning, 2 Decent Games for Brady

2 Bad Games for Manning, 0 Bad Games for Brady

0 Defining Drives for Manning, 0 Defining Drives for Brady

1 Choke Jobs for Manning, 0 Choke Jobs for Brady

Stats - Manning (65% COMPLETION PERCENTAGE, 1,046 yards, 7 TD, 8 INT, 1 RTD); Brady (72% COMPLETION PERCENTAGE, 843 yards, 6 TD, 3 INT, 0 RTD)


Sept. 9, 2004 -- Pats 27, Colts 24

Red zone mistakes doom the Colts.

MANNING

16-29, 256 yards, 2 TD, 1 INT

BRADY

26-38, 335 yards, 3 TD, 1 INT

HERO

Brady. He spread the ball around nicely to seven different receivers.

GOAT

Edgerrin James. Although he had 142 yards rushing, Edge fumbled twice in the red zone.

RECORD

5-0 New England

QB COMPARISON

1 Great Games for Manning, 3 Great Games for Brady

2 Decent Games for Manning, 2 Decent Games for Brady

2 Bad Games for Manning, 0 Bad Games for Brady

0 Defining Drives for Manning, 0 Defining Drives for Brady

1 Choke Jobs for Manning, 0 Choke Jobs for Brady

Stats - Manning (61% COMPLETION PERCENTAGE, 1,302 yards, 9 TD, 9 INT, 1 RTD); Brady (69% COMPLETION PERCENTAGE, 1,178 yards, 9 TD, 4 INT, 0 RTD)


Jan. 16, 2005 (Playoffs) -- Pats 20, Colts 3

A historic offensive season for the Colts ends with a whisper.

MANNING

27-42, 238 yards, 1 INT

BRADY

18-27, 144 yards, 1 TD, 1 rushing TD

HERO

Corey Dillon ran for 144 yards for the Pats, who seemed to have the ball the entire game.

GOAT

Dominic Rhodes. His stripped ball by Teddy Bruschi was symbolic for the game as a whole.

RECORD

6-0 New England

QB COMPARISON

1 Great Games for Manning, 3 Great Games for Brady

2 Decent Games for Manning, 3 Decent Games for Brady

3 Bad Games for Manning, 0 Bad Games for Brady

0 Defining Drives for Manning, 0 Defining Drives for Brady

1 Choke Jobs for Manning, 0 Choke Jobs for Brady

Stats - Manning (61% COMPLETION PERCENTAGE, 1,540 yards, 9 TD, 10 INT, 1 RTD); Brady (69% COMPLETION PERCENTAGE, 1,322 yards, 10 TD, 4 INT, 1 RTD)


Nov. 7, 2005 -- Colts 40, Pats 21

The first Colt victory in the Manning-Brady rivalry.

MANNING

28-37, 321 yards, 3 TD, 1 INT

BRADY

22-33, 265 yards, 3 TD

HERO

Marvin Harrison and Reggie Wayne combined for 18 receptions, 252 yards, and 3 TDs, while James ran for 104 yards with one TD.

GOAT

Doug Flutie. The Patriot backup was 3-7 for 20 yards.

RECORD

6-1 New England

QB COMPARISON

2 Great Games for Manning, 3 Great Games for Brady

2 Decent Games for Manning, 4 Decent Games for Brady

3 Bad Games for Manning, 0 Bad Games for Brady

0 Defining Drives for Manning, 0 Defining Drives for Brady

1 Choke Jobs for Manning, 0 Choke Jobs for Brady

Stats - Manning (63% COMPLETION PERCENTAGE, 1,861 yards, 12 TD, 11 INT, 1 RTD); Brady (68% COMPLETION PERCENTAGE, 1,587 yards, 13 TD, 4 INT, 1 RTD)


Nov. 5, 2006 -- Colts 27, Pats 20

Indy makes it two in a row.

MANNING

20-36, 326 yards, 2 TD, 1 INT

BRADY

20-35, 201 yards, 4 INT

HERO

Marvin Harrison had two touchdowns, including a twirling one-hander which is in the running for Greatest Catch of All Time.

GOAT

Brady. While some of his interceptions were off the hands of his receivers (including the last drive) the dude still had four picks in a close game.

RECORD

6-2 New England

QB COMPARISON

3 Great Games for Manning, 3 Great Games for Brady

2 Decent Games for Manning, 4 Decent Games for Brady

3 Bad Games for Manning, 1 Bad Games for Brady

0 Defining Drives for Manning, 0 Defining Drives for Brady

1 Choke Jobs for Manning, 1 Choke Jobs for Brady

Stats - Manning (57% COMPLETION PERCENTAGE, 2,187 yards, 14 TD, 12 INT, 1 RTD); Brady (59% COMPLETION PERCENTAGE, 1,788 yards, 13 TD, 8 INT, 1 RTD)


Jan. 21, 2007 (Playoffs) -- Colts 38, Pats 34

The greatest conference finals comeback of all time.

MANNING

27-47, 349 yards, 1 TD, 1 INT, 1 rushing TD

BRADY

21-34, 232 yards, 1 TD, 1 INT

HERO

Too many to name, but we'll go with Manning. The Patriots simply had no answer in the second half.

GOAT

Reche Caldwell/Tom Brady. Although possessing the largest eyes in NFL history, Caldwell dropped two gimmes that might have sealed the deal for the Pats. Brady, on the other hand, was given the ball with a chance to win and threw a pick to Marlin Jackson.

Record

6-3 New England

QB COMPARISON

4 Great Games for Manning, 3 Great Games for Brady

2 Decent Games for Manning, 5 Decent Games for Brady

3 Bad Games for Manning, 1 Bad Games for Brady

1 Defining Drives for Manning, 0 Defining Drives for Brady

1 Choke Jobs for Manning, 2 Choke Jobs for Brady

Stats - Manning (62% COMPLETION PERCENTAGE, 2,536 yards, 15 TD, 13 INT, 2 RTD); Brady (67% COMPLETION PERCENTAGE, 2,020 yards, 14 TD, 9 INT, 1 RTD)


Nov. 4, 2007 -- Pats 24, Colts 20

The Pats stay unbeaten by realizing Randy Moss is much, much better than the shitty Tim Jennings.

MANNING

16-27, 225 yards, 1 TD, 1 INT, 1 rushing TD

BRADY

21-32, 255 yards, 3 TD, 2 INT

HERO

Randy Moss. The Pats scored two TDs in the fourth quarter to complete the comeback.

GOAT

Tim Jennings. Dude's shadow can't cover the sidewalk in the summertime.

RECORD

7-3 New England


QB COMPARISON

4 Great Games for Manning, 4 Great Games for Brady

3 Decent Games for Manning, 5 Decent Games for Brady

3 Bad Games for Manning, 1 Bad Games for Brady

1 Defining Drives for Manning, 1 Defining Drives for Brady

1 Choke Jobs for Manning, 2 Choke Jobs for Brady

Stats - Manning (62% COMPLETION PERCENTAGE, 2,761 yards, 16 TD, 14 INT, 2 RTD); Brady (66% COMPLETION PERCENTAGE, 2,275 yards, 17 TD, 11 INT, 1 RTD)


Nov. 2, 2008 -- NULL (Brady Injury)


Nov. 15, 2009 -- Colts 35, Pats 34

A comeback for the ages.

MANNING

28-44 yards, 327 yards, 4 TD, 2 INT

BRADY

29-42 yards, 375 yards, 3 TD, 1 INT

HERO

Manning. Another furious second half comeback.

GOAT

Bill Belichick. The 4th and 2 Heard Round the World.

RECORD

7-4 New England

QB COMPARISON

5 Great Games for Manning, 5 Great Games for Brady

3 Decent Games for Manning, 5 Decent Games for Brady

3 Bad Games for Manning, 1 Bad Games for Brady

2 Defining Drives for Manning, 1 Defining Drives for Brady

1 Choke Jobs for Manning, 3 Choke Jobs for Brady

Stats - Manning (61% COMPLETION PERCENTAGE, 3,088 yards, 20 TD, 16 INT, 2 RTD); Brady (66% COMPLETION PERCENTAGE, 2,650 yards, 20 TD, 12 INT, 1 RTD)


Nov. 21, 2010 -- Pats 31, Colts 28

Didn't feel this close until the end.

MANNING

38-52, 396 yards, 4 TD, 3 INT

BRADY

19-25, 186 yards, 2 TD

HERO

James Sanders. The defensive back came up with the deciding interception in the late seconds.

GOAT

Manning. Although he threw for 396 yards and 4 TDs, that last pick lost the Colts the game.

FINAL RECORD (as of this writing)

8-4 New England

FINAL QB COMPARISON (as of this writing)

5 Great Games for Manning, 5 Great Games for Brady

4 Decent Games for Manning, 6 Decent Games for Brady

3 Bad Games for Manning, 1 Bad Games for Brady

2 Defining Drives for Manning, 1 Defining Drives for Brady

2 Choke Jobs for Manning, 3 Choke Jobs for Brady

Stats - Manning (62% COMPLETION PERCENTAGE, 3,484 yards, 24 TD, 19 INT, 2 RTD); Brady (66% COMPLETION PERCENTAGE, 2,836 yards, 22 TD, 12 INT, 1 RTD)


WHAT THESE NUMBERS MEAN

First of all, is all this accurate? Many people might say Brady's performance last night should qualify as "great". Extenuating circumstances (like two different receivers dropping first downs in the fourth) came to play, and perhaps he should have. Other people, such as myself, would say, "Well, he really should have put the Colts away in the fourth quarter, and the Pats offense almost choked the game away", while an altogether different group might say, "Get a life, faggot." I tend to agree with the last group.

So really, what does all this mean? Um...

Isn't this just like last night's story of Montana vs. Marino?

Fired or Soon-to-Be Fired Pt. 2--A Delicious Brunch Morsel

Fired or Soon-to-be-Fired Coaches as Historic Male Sex Symbols, Pt. 1

For Jordan, Pt. 2

You're absolutely right. This totally should have been included in the first round of pics.

And come on. There are at least 8-10 people who continually check this site out.

A Belated Congratulations...

To FFGP2's favorite baseball player and World Series champion, Timothy Leroy Lincecum!

Glad I could be there every step of the way!

The Results of Yesterday's Election in a Thinly-Veiled Ridiculous Sports Metaphor

Hello, everyone. As you all know, I am the United Football League commissioner Michael Huyghue. Thank you for joining me in this impromptu meeting to discuss the National Football League's monopoly on the sport of American football; how we, the victims of this travesty, plan to dig ourselves out of our admittedly self-inflicted hole; and, at the end of the meeting, conduct a vote on our next course of action.

Please allow me to introduce to you a man who, while we greatly differ in the future of professional football, and I personally believe he did us all a great disservice by making a mockery of the game nine years ago, a man who certainly needs no introduction: Vince McMahon.

Alright, damnit. Sure, we have a hole to get out of. No, not too many people in this room were very pleased with the investment they made on the XFL, Mr. Huyghue.



With all due respect, Mr. McMahon, you're not saying anything any of us in this room hasn't said before. We understand it's a bad situation. We understand the public has absolutely no confidence in our leadership nor our product.

I propose greater spending: more advertising to compete; more TV revenue; greater player salaries to compete and lure the sport's greatest free agents. Yes, it's an unfortunate time right now, but we can dig ourselves out of this. Unfortunately, it's not going to happen overnight.

Mr. McMahon, your response?

I'm sorry, Mr. McMahon, but that's not a solution. You're just disagreeing without coming up with a course of action of your own. Sure, we need a viable economy to compete with the NFL, but there's gotta be more to this, right? I mean, what is this all about?

Mr. McMahon, now you're just being childish. Rallying against an idea without a solution of your own doesn't legitimately count as your own platform, solution, or idea.

Fine. Surely the fine voters will see through this ridiculous charade. My last statement is this: just stick with me. Sure, I kinda suck. I'll be the first one to admit that. But can't you see I at least have a plan? It's starting to work! I want to incorporate gambling more! Americans love to gamble on sports, and if we didn't hide behind the truth like the NFL and college, I think more Americans would embrace us. We just need a little more time.

Mr. McMahon, your response?

Congratulations, America! You're Marty Jannetty!

Hey, Golic! Yes, Greeney!

Welcome back to Mike and Mike in the Morning, brought to you as always by Progressive. Get a quote in about six minutes, compare rates from top car insurers, and save with a policy that's right for you. Shopping less and saving more--now that's Progressive.

Now Golic, this guy, this blogger, Matt Strosnider--I hope I'm pronouncing that correctly--he writes this blog called Fake Field Goal Pass 2. Anyways, he announced he was "back" after a long hiatus, then what does he do? He writes three blogs. One of which is just a picture of Brad Childress's head on Christian Bale's body. I mean, three? That's how many pizzas you had during the commercial break.

Stop it. Sorry, I forgot it was a crime to like pizza! Better than you, Mr. I Know All The Wiggles Songs By Heart.

You're darn right I know all The Wiggles songs and I'm not ashamed to admit it. This hack "fat guy-metrosexual guy" riff was brought to you by Domino's Pizza. Right now you can get two medium two-topping pizzas for $5.99 each, and get one specialty pizza for only two dollars more. Enter to win at Show Us Your Pizza dot com and be awarded $500 if your pizza wins. Domino's Pizza--mouth-watering taste at a jaw-dropping value.

So, what does Matt Strosnider and Colby Lewis have in common? Buster Olney drops by to weigh in on the blogger and the World Series. This is Mike and Mike in the Morning...

On ESPN Radio.

Welcome back to Mike and Mike in the Morning, brought to you by P90X. Get absolutely ripped in just 90 days with P90X. Don't believe me? Go to Beach Body dot com, click on the microphone, and type "Mike". You can try a P90X risk free trial for 90 days. Don't like it? You can send it back, but trust me, you won't. Once again, go to Beach Body dot com, click on the microphone, and type "Mike". P90X--all it takes is an hour a day to get in the best shape of your life. Buster Olney joins us on the Subway Fresh Take Hotline. Buster, what do you make of this Matt Strosnider?

You know, guys, I really don't see the problem with this guy. Sure, he doesn't bring it every night, but when he does, watch out. He's witty, he's funny, he can write little remarks to put underneath pre-existing pictures. I mean, sure, is he worth three minutes of your workday? I don't know. But for what you're paying him, I think he's doing just fine.

Thank you. That's what I was trying to tell this sissy here during the break. The kid's doing fine. Back off! His stuff is pretty funny, it'll get you through the day, and in the end, you can have a laugh. On the other hand, I don't think he's that funny. I personally don't think it will get you through the day, nor have I had a laugh during it.

But...you just said...you never stick to a poi...you just flip-flop...oh, nevermind. Yeah, I think the kid will be just fine.

Thank you, Buster. Buster Olney, as always, joining us on the Subway Fresh Take Hotline. Mike and Mike in the Morning, brought to you by Adam and Eve's Dildo Store. Shop the Adam and Eve official site for all your sex toy and dildo needs. Adam and Eve--you've got a hole, we wanna fill it. Thanks for joining us today. Glad we could touch on so many sports topics and each take a definitive side without being gimmicky, insulting to your intelligence, and above all, for sale. Thanks everybody, we'll see you Monday, on Mike and Mike in the Morning on ESPN Radio.

The King Is Dead

Spoiler Alert: This is exactly how I felt at the end of First Knight.

The procession was led by "a grett company of chylderyn in ther surples" and watched by Londoners "wepyng and lamenting"; the funeral chariot, draped in cloth of gold, was topped by an effigy of Edward, with crown, sceptre, and garter.

~The death of King Edward VI

Depending on whether he were a man of the people or a tyrant, a king's death was met by great sadness or tremendous relief. Nevertheless, his people were undoubtedly affected, and the mood's respective shadow was cast over his kingdom.

I was once a subject under the reign of King James of Akron, and it is with great sadness today that I admit my former divine leader is nothing more than a jester douche, a powerless pauper no longer within the realm of the living. His procession has come and past, and I stayed inside to fashion the crown of Prince Durant.

I was in Chicago with my fiancee on the night of "The Decision". Signs of "LeBron or Bust" were all over the place, and the city was insatiable. They had seen Jordan. They had seen Pippen. Hell, they even saw Corzine. And yet, they were ready and willing for the new dynasty to begin. Every city was. LeBron had (purposefully) dangled his meat for three years in front of every fanbase's eyes, planting a seed in their brains: Maybe even you can be lucky enough to watch me play.

I didn't even watch the entire show. Anna and I went on an architecture boat tour (yep, this is who you read now--deal with it) and rode our bikes through the city. I had to stop, of course, when the announcement was to be made. We parked our bikes and I hopped in a bar just in time for Jim Gray to ask him where he was headed. I wanted him to say Cleveland so bad, and so did the people (from Ohio) sitting next to me. Surely he wouldn't do this to Cleveland on national TV.

Well, obviously we all know what happened next. I shouted an obscenity and got back on my bike, not wanting to watch a second more. The nation's favorite basketball player, in five seconds, became Public Enemy Number One.

LeBron James, in happier times.

So, why am I posting this now, almost three full months after "The Decision" aired? Well, first of all, I quit writing about sports for a while. I had to clear my head, prioritize some things, and, honestly, I just got sick of sports. There's only so many times you can hear about Brett Favre (or people who talk about Brett Favre every day making fun of how much Brett Favre is talked about), LeBron, or Michael Vick until you just think, "You know what, I'm done with it." ESPN is so ridiculous these days, it's almost unfathomable. If I see TMZ for two seconds, I get mad that someone could watch that religiously. Then I remember that's EXACTLY what ESPN goes for these days.

People talk about how obnoxious players like Terrell Owens and Chad Ochocinco are, yet this year's Madden video game (which, for the record and my own personal satisfaction, I have not played) now has a "Swagger" rating, dictating whether or not a player celebrates after a touchdown.

Lockouts are threatening both the NFL and NBA, while the NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament (which EVERYONE thinks is perfect the way it is) is changing its format, while the BCS (which NO ONE thinks is perfect the way it is) remains the same. And I've yet to hear one good reason (or for that matter, one person in favor) for the NFL to switch to an 18-game schedule.

If "if ain't broke, don't fix it" is still a relevant phrase, it should really just back away and pretend it doesn't see what is happening in sports in 2010.

Oh, and the other reason I'm talking about LeBron today? He played the race card, saying some of the backlash from his public image meltdown is due to race. Really, LeBron? I'm sure it was, you know, to people who are already racists. For everyone else who bought your professional jerseys, high school jerseys, shoes, T-shirts, tickets, and posted your image on billboards, it was just plain selfish, self-serving, and ego-maniacal. Yes, all three of those words pretty much mean the same thing. That's how disappointed I am.

Related note: Three years ago Kobe Bryant wanted to be The Man on a championship team and people killed him. Now, LeBron wants to play unselfishly on a team with his friends and people kill him. Guess what? It worked for Kobe, and it's probably going to work for LeBron. With that said, LeBron's "Decision" was the best thing that could have happened for Kobe Bryant's legacy.

Congratulations, guys! You won "The Decision"!

So, this is why I make my "sports website" a collection of poop and dick jokes. That's what sports are. Do I love them? Absolutely. Will I always watch them? Of course. Will I go to the Heat-Pacers game, and watch every Miami game on TV? Undoubtedly. That's why sports is a big Chuck-E-Cheese ballpit of fun and hypocrisy. Just keep them in perspective.

With that said, the reign of Durant has begun. Long live The King.

I'm Back, Pt. II

So...

Um, I'm back, right? I mean, that's what I posted. So...

That translates to multiple conversation-starting posts per week, right? Like, the way I used to do it?

Let's see...

Ah, hell. I got nothing.



Sorry you clicked on this today.

Don't Call It A Comeback

The greatest comebacks in sports history:

10. Wes Welker

I hate the Patriots with a passion, but to come back eight months after tearing your ACL and MCL--and score two touchdowns--is no small feat.

Related note: More ACLs are torn by old people in the cafeteria MCL than all other North American restaurants combined.

9. Mike Tyson

Iron Mike spent three years in prison for breaking and entering or theft or rape or something like that, then defeated "Hurricane" Peter McNeeley in the first round.

Related note: McNeeley, according to his Wikipedia page, once punched out a man and stole his wallet containing $200. So Peter McNeeley will have a nice obituary when he dies in two years, anyway.

8. George Foreman

This entire list could have been boxers, but dedicating an entire post to a dying sport is wedged between the XFL and SlamBall on the "Worst Sports Ideas Ever" list. With that said, Foreman won the Heavyweight Title at 45, 20 years after he previously held the belt. Pretty impressive.

Related note: George Foreman has murdered one child every year for the last 37 years.

7. Shawn Michaels

The Heartbreak Kid destroyed his back while I loved wrestling, tormented me with rumored return stories while I loved wrestling, then came back four years later when I couldn't care less about wrestling. Then again, if I was wearing an HBK shirt at Buffalo Wild Wings, weeping at his return, I probably wouldn't be engaged right now. Actually, I'd be dead from a cough syrup-pain killers concoction.

Related note: Bret Hart also came back this year, but he doesn't make the list. Why? Because he crawled back to a man who publicly screwed him over in his home country, had a hand in the death of his brother, and badmouthed his family for years, all because he needed money. Someone should hire a real hitman to mercy-kill Bret Hart.

6. Tiger Woods

Sure, Tiger has sucked since the Masters, but at least his showing at Augusta made for good television. I can't imagine the feeling of having your dirty laundry (and we're talking blood-and-shit stained whites) hung out for everyone in the world to see.

Related note: I love how most people say something along the lines of, "How could he do that? She's so pretty," as if only ugly people should be allowed to be cheated on.

5. Mario Lemieux

Le Magnifique retired due to, oh I don't know, cancer AND chronic back problems, came back three years later, and scored a goal and three points in his return game.

Related note: Super Mario finished in the top three for the Hart Trophy (MVP) that season, along with Gordon Bombay and Wolf "The Dentist" Stansson.

4. Tommy John

Dude permanently hurts his arm, hears some radical batshit doctor lingo about how to fix it, actually goes through with the procedure, and comes back and pitches for 15 more seasons, winning 20 or more games three times.

Unrelated note: My neighbor across the street is a horrible mother, a fantastic drinker, and obnoxiously loud. She's on her front porch 90% of the time, and I'm two weeks away from paying a brutish woman to fight her.

3. Muhammad Ali

Ali was stripped of his Heavyweight Title in 1967 for refusing to serve in the Vietnam War, then won a Supreme Court case, fought Joe Frazier twice, and regained his belt against George Foreman in 1974.

Related note: I missed "The Rumble in the Jungle" by ten years, making up for it in 1995 by seeing Jackie Chan's 1995 hit Rumble in the Bronx in the theater.

2. Michael Jordan

MJ won three titles, retired, then returned to win three more.

Related note: My really, really old great-aunt was dying, and my mom took me to the hospital to see her on the day Jordan came back to play my Pacers. I listened to the game on the radio in the car to the hospital, on the way home, and, yep, even in the room with her. Point of the story? Either Jordan's comeback was a bigger deal than a family member dying or I was a little shit as a kid. Probably the latter.

1. Fake Field Goal Pass 2

It's back...