Thursday, June 21, 2012

The World, Starting Tonight



Hi, and welcome to SportsCenter.  Alongside Josh Elliott, who no longer works here but the author was too lazy to find a better picture, I'm Hannah Storm.  The King...has his crown.  LeBron James has his first of what certainly will be many rings after leading his Heat to a 97-84 victory over the Oklahoma City Thunder tonight in Miami.  South Beach is rocking.  What a historic postseason run by the greatest natural talent the National Basketball Association has possibly ever seen.



And now, LeBron James, possibly the most clutch postseason player the league has ever seen, the 2012 regular season MVP, Finals MVP, the accolades go on and on.  Guys, Michael Jordan won his first title after his seventh season in the league.  He, of course, went on to win six.  LBJ now has his first title after his ninth season.  How many more can he get?  Can he get to seven?  I think he can, and I think he will.



To all you people crying about the way the Heat came together--cry me a river!  LeBron has dealt with expansion!  He's dealt with incompetent general managers!  He didn't have a savvy front office type to draft a Kevin McHale or a Robert Parrish or a Scottie Pippen or a James Worthy.  He had to do it himself!  I'd say this is the single most impressive victory in the history of sport.  LeBron was the MVP, coach, and GM of this team!  Hail to the King!  I'm a loyal servant!


Guys, masterful job by Erik Spoelstra.  This guy can flat out coach.  Hell, he may be the best coach in the league.  Sources are reporting that Pat Riley has offered him a reported 25-year contract to reportedly coach the Heat at a reportedly staggering $12 million a year, but Spo reportedly wants to take a vacation with his family and reportedly think it through.


Well, before we shift our focus to the draft, who do you have winning next year?  You know who I have?  The Heat!  They're going to win the title the next 37 years.  Who cares that I said the Spurs two weeks ago, or that I said the Thunder would win the next eight titles a week ago.  Accountability sounds like one of Superman's powers, right?  Guys...can the Heat go 82-0 next year?


Guys, what's wrong with Kevin Durant?  Can the guy even play basketball anymore?  I mean, he's never won anything anywhere he's been.  His Texas team got bounced early in the tournament, and he went 0-2 against Kansas.  His first year in Seattle they went 20-62.  I mean, scoring titles are nice, but sooner or later this guy's gonna have to start producing.  He needs to put on some muscle, get stronger, develop a post game, play meaner defense, become a better dribbler, a crisper passer, a more efficient shooter, and that's just the beginning.


Is Russell Westbrook on his way out of town?  Sources are saying the Rondo-for-Westbrook talks are heating up again, or, wait for it, the Lakers!  The Knicks?





  

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

LeRant


Thank the dear, sweet lord.

POINT GUARDS

Russell Westbrook vs. Mario Chalmers

Opposing point guard play has been going rather well against the Miami Heat so far in the playoffs, not counting guys literally breaking their legs.  Darren Collison certainly had his moments, and of course Rajon Rondo statistically knocked on the door of my historic 2005-6 "playing against elementary school kids while working after-school care" season.  What will RussWest do to them?  He'll probably have a few shooting stinkers, but the guy's just too damn athletic to lose this individual matchup.  That is, until LeBron shifts over to guard him.  We'll see.

SHOOTING GUARDS

Dwyane Wade vs. Thabo Sefolosha

Rant:  Wade is damn obnoxious.  I had a discussion with a co-worker (a Celtics fan) about him sometime during the Heat-Pacers series.  She couldn't understand how or why I didn't like Dwyane Wade.  In the middle of the Heat-Celtics series, she agreed wholeheartedly.  The dude bitches when a team celebrates on the court after beating them during a heated playoff series, yet practically comes out to the Goldberg routine to introduce his team to their fans in the offseason before playing one game.  The guy sulks and bumps his coach and glares at refs and whines for every...single...fucking...call, just to bump his chest and step over dudes and stare at the crowd when the Heat have a big lead.  When he held his hand up after hitting a three in front of the Maverick bench last season in the Finals, I was hoping Rick Carlisle would chew his dick off like a dog.

SMALL FORWARDS

Kevin Durant vs. LeBron James

I saw Prometheus in 3D the other night.  The feeling I have right now, fifteen minutes before the start of what promises to be one of the most electrifying, historically significant NBA Finals matchups ever, is the same I get when I'm sitting in the theater for a film I've been waiting on and already know will deliver.  It's as if Christopher Nolan surprised everyone and The Dark Knight Rises came out tonight.  LeBron and Durant?  Are you kidding?  I longed for this matchup all season (with the known asterisk being the Pacers would not make the Finals), even when San Antonio sucked me in with the offer of watching a team dominate night in and out on their way to immortality.

The King and Durant!  

EVERYONE ELSE

Are you kidding?  LeBron and Durant?  In the NBA Finals?  Everyone wanted Kobe vs. LeBron a few years back (thanks, Magic) but this is better!  I don't give a shit about Chris Bosh or Shane Battier or Derek Fisher going for six (just shoot me) or Spoelstra maybe winning the title and getting fired in the offseason Switzer-style.  

THE VERDICT

I can't.  You're picking against LeBron, a historic talent who has played brilliantly all playoffs, to come up with nothing again.  You're picking against Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook.  You're picking against a coach who looks like Gordon Bombay on the night of his DUI and another coach who looks like he's looking at boobs for the first time.

So, I asked someone who knows nothing about sports.  Someone who once asked if a black man on a New Orleans brochure was Peyton Manning.  Someone who routinely asks both what sport the Pacers play and what state they are from.  I asked my darling wife.

Without missing a beat?

Heat in six.

Everyone but Seattle hopes not.










Sign Up For Pedophind Today!




In school all the kids tried to be the next equipped with ideas resting comfortably in now.  The professors challenged us to gather into teams and compete to design the future's great social networking feat, and I certainly had roles in many-a-team whose goals fit somewhere between "digital photography that automatically names, files, properly stores, and shares photographs as you take them" and "um, something like Twitter that is, like, a trainer and makes you go to the gym when you don't really want to, and it posts your results so your friends, who are also working out, can also look at it, too.  It pushes you." Facebook wasn't built in a day, and you have to be prepared to withstand an onslaught of terrible ideas that either should never exist or practically already do.

The exact reason for such bland concepts surrounding me was purposeful:  I was a yes man.  I grew comfortable in the role of "I'll hang back and you direct" guy, and let them think I was docile and serene.  I gladly offered to write and storyboard the products' commercials and present it to the class.  The Pitch Man.  Of course, the reason I contributed little in the idea department was because I carried the only idea that truly mattered, and wasn't about to waste it amongst thought thieves and hangers-on.  Tenured leaches.

Which brings us...to today.  The launch.  What's launching, you ask?  America.  Into the next economic recovery, and I'm shooting her there with my social networking rubber band.

We all want...that world.  That place where boundaries are thin as floss.  Where everyone you know (assuming you Tweet, live vlog, and photo share) can practically say they were right there with you at the bar on Saturday night.  Hell, they were basically singing that old favorite tune with their arms wrapped around you.  Isn't that what we want?  For our children?  

I introduce to you...Pedophind.

Let me guess:  You gasped, said, "It's the future," and cupped your hand to your mouth, and maybe dropped something that you were holding while backing up slowly.  I'd say get on board now.  There aren't enough seats to save, and you might not get to sit next to your friend.  I'd also say Pedophind was the next thing in social networking, but that would be an insult towards the lightning speed at which this baby is gonna hit.


I know what you're thinking--I don't know if I believe this man, but goddamn do I hope it's true.  Well, why tell you when I can show you?  And if you're gonna stand for a product you believe in, you're not gonna use no phoney actors, neither.  We'll do me!

This, is my Facebook page:

(Click to enlarge any and all photographs)



Now, let's go ahead and hover just to the left of the Facebook logo on the top left corner of the screen.  A kind of shittily cut and pasted P will appear.


Using our innovative dysonphontical nuzecahngraphalite triangulation, we probably won't find anything cool, but let's go ahead and click on that P anyway.






Every one of those colorful squares is my friend now!  And they all live close to me!  Pedophind combines the modern convenience of a digital friendship with the physical ramifications of a "real" one.

Remember that Facebook page you saw?  Let's take a look at it now...


All of that just by clicking the P!  Who wants to try to make friends?  We do all the work for you!  We can't post pictures of your daughters or yourselves in two-piece bikinis, but we're pretty sure you're going to do that yourselves.

Pedophind--We Put Their ______ In Your _______

(Disclaimer:  We're still working on the catchphrase.  The board is split between "Trust" and "Hands" or "Dicks" and "Mouth")

P.S.
Today's easy joke was just to see if you were paying attention.  Coming later today, FFGP2's third annual NBA Finals preview!  Stay tuned!