According to every single reputable media source in the world, the United States will soon reveal Osama bin Laden's personal diary, obtained during the infamous May 2, 2011 Navy SEAL raid that ended the life of the loving father of between 20 and 26. Fortunately for you twelve readers, FFGP2 has been granted access to the journal, and right here, right now is the first time anyone in the general public has laid eyes on it.
Without further ado, and certainly without censorship, the feelings, thoughts, and secrets of one of history's most notorious men:
August 1, 2010
Oh. My. Allah. The gals and I just went to see Charlie St. Cloud. It is totes the movie of the year! If it doesn't win Best Kiss at the MTV Movie Awards, I may just have to start some shit up again. Zac was better than evs! It was sooooo sad when he couldn't drop his little dead brother's baseball glove into the casket.
And oh yeah, I almost forgot to mention...Shells and I MET ZAC EFRON! So when Ayman al-Zawahiri says, "Oh, no you didn't...", I can say, "Oh yes, I did! This isn't like your lying ass in 1998 when you claimed to have met Joshua Jackson! Check out the pic!"
Here is my autographed poster! He spelled my name wrong, but who cares! It's Zac Freaking Efron! And it's not even my real first name--it's just easier to tell people, especially when making reservations.
Before he left, I said, "I love you, Zac." He said he appreciated it, but I pulled him closer and said, "No, you don't understand. I love you." I could feel the tears on my cheeks, so I was a little embarrassed, but when would I have the opportunity to tell him that again?
September 11, 2010
Went to Red Lobster today to celebrate the nine year anniversary. Praise Allah, are those cheddar biscuits something!
P.S.
Call Red Lobster tomorrow. Think I left my camo hoodie.
November 4, 2010
W-E-I-R-D moment this morning. Right as I'm masturbating to Condoleezza Rice, a news report comes on the screen that I've been captured! Praise Allah, don't do that to me!
January 16, 2011
2011 TOTES sucks. None of my five wives are putting out, I'm stuck in this Allahdamn "mansion" in Abbottabad, my fucking remote control car needs more batteries but my driver won't go get some, and the local supermarket is out of Tostitos pizzas. Hey, market! How hard is it to keep Tostitos pizzas in stock? They're really fucking lucky they're the only place in town with Cool Ranch Doritos and Code Red Dew or else they'd be a burning pile on the news tonight.
February 8, 2011
I know, I've seen it a thousand times, but the school shooting episode of One Tree Hill was on tonight. The guys were all like, "Hey, OBL, we need to get cracking, man! The ten year anniversary is coming up!" and I was all like, "When the ten year anniversary looks as good as Chad Michael Murray, I'll start paying attention to it!" Best moment of the night: Anwar al-Awlaki being sent to get me, then staying for the rest of the episode!
March 2, 2011
So I was waaaaaaaay late to the She's All That party. This movie came out in '99? Seriously? I made it 54 years without seeing my favorite film? There are travesties and there are travesties.
April 20, 2011
LOL moment of the day: So I gathered the guys and was like, "Alright, who's ready to hear the planning for the next monumental moment in the world's history?" Of course everybody jumps up, leans in, and...I farted!
May 2, 2011
I've studied it a lot online, and I guess if you just take a bag and put it over your head, wrap a belt around your neck, and pull your pants--
