Yes, I Got More Than One Weird Look At Work For This

Here's the story of a town named Minny

Who was dreaming up a Super Bowl parade

All of them had hair of gold, like a Viking

They had to win one game.

Here's the story of a man named Brad-y

Who was busy chauffering QBs around

There were twelve men, standing on the field

But this was not allowed.

Til the one day when this fella grew a beard

Looked like he'd invite some kids for more than lunch

Society would damn sure throw the red flag

On the pedophile and bumbling Brad-y Bunch

The Brad-y Bunch

The Brad-y Bunch

You would think twice to leave your kids with Brad-y Bunch

A New Era Begins...

Kurt, I know this is an extremely physical game. Extremely physical. But you have to understand, at 38 you're still a top five player at your position. You really are, I'm not just trying to get you to come back. You still have it in the tank. The heartache sucks, I know. I want to win that damn trophy more than anybody else on this planet, and I know you do too, son. One more season. One more. Whattya say?

Not this time, coach. I'm really done. The game's just not fun anymore. I have seven children, and everytime I'm lying there on my back after another routine bone-crushing hit, I think of Brenda. Beautiful, beautiful Brenda. Raising those kids all by her lonesome. I'm sorry, coach. It's time to walk away...

You really changed the mindset around here, coach. I respect the heck out of you for that. Thank you for letting me walk away on my terms. It's been great, and I love you. God bless.

Man, I wonder what Kurt and coach are talking about. I hope it's not how I was drunk all throughout training camp...

It's so great being back in LA! That's what the offseason is for, right? Seeing all your old buddies and getting uh-WAAAAAAA-STED! Am I right, fellas? Chest bump me! Chest bump me right now, you good lookin' mother fucker! Bein' in the NFL fucking rules!


Look, uh, Matt. We all love having you around SC. You're always family. You know that, right? You've done some great things here, nobody questions that. But, you know, Pete's not around anymore, and I don't know if Coach Kiffin appreciates you showing up around the young players like this. Practice is for drills and discipline, and, well, you have your old SC shirt on with vomit and shit all over it.


I've had a great, great career. But now, it's over. I've accomplished so much, and now I feel I can spread God's word in other places. I will strap on a helmet no more.


You bullshittin' me? Kurt's retiring? So...so I'M the starting quarterback now? Well why waste another minute! Time to put in the preparation necessary for a starting quarterback in the NFL!


Fuck yeah, ladies! Who wants a STARTING quarterback dick tonight? This ain't no benchwarmer dick anymore! USC glory days, here I come!


Alright, well if Pierre runs the sluggo, his safety should drop back in coverage, fully expecting me to loft it over top. Wayne, on the other side, is gonna run a post. Dallas is going to initially appear on a stop-and-go, freezing the linebacker for the split-second necessary to dump it off to Joseph for a reasonable gain of eight or nine on first down...


Did...didjya hear? I'm..I'm a schtartinig quar...quarter...(laughing)


True, I could drop it to Laurence in the flat, but Wes is going to give his linebacker in nickel coverage the slightest of head fakes, and since we all know a linebacker on a slot receiver, let alone the greatest slot receiver in football today, is a nightmare from a defensive perspective, I'm going to look to him first. If he's not open, Randy will be running a slant towards the right hash mark...


WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Rob Lowe and Taylor Lautner Are Colts Fans? Must Be Destiny

To me, this is what Peyton Manning's problem is. He has the work habits and dedication and obsessiveness of Jordan and Tiger Woods. But he can't deal with the accompanying preparation anxiety. The Manning face is the look of someone who has just faced up to a sobering fact: I am in complete control of this offense. I prepare for games like no other quarterback in the NFL. I am in the best shape of my life. I have done everything I can to succeed -- and I'm losing. Ohmigod. I'm not that good.

~ Author Malcolm Gladwell, explaining the Bill Simmons coined "Manning Face", in a 2006 ESPN interview


Yes, I'm all too familiar with "The Manning Face". After playoff losses to Tennessee, Miami, the Jets (41-0), New England (twice), and Pittsburgh, I thought that damn face would unfortunately be the enduring legacy of the great Peyton Manning. I defended Manning on the outside, enjoying the thrill-a-minute regular seasons, even while my bruised soul longed for Tom Brady's playoff heroics come January. The theater was full of chatterboxes and my seat was uncomfortable, but I had already purchased my ticket to Dan Marino II: The Legend of Peyton's Gold, and I was damn sure going to finish my movie.

Now? With an opportunity to win his second Super Bowl in four years less than two weeks away? Here's my definition of "The Manning Face":

That's the Manning Face. The "come on, you guys knew I would do this, right?" face. The "I was born to be the best quarterback of all time" face. Or, my personal favorite, the "aw shucks, I'm humbled - or at least putting on an act that I'm humbled, when really I know I have the natural talent, and put in more work than anyone on top of that to deserve this" face.

My favorite Manning face? Obviously this one:

Notice the similarities? This one just has a sprinkle of "fuck you" to it, like the dork who goes back to his high school reunion a millionaire married to a supermodel, snickering at his former tormentors who now paint decks and install DirecTV satellites.

I couldn't win in the playoffs, right? I'm the next Dan Marino, huh? I'm nothing but a stats guy? A regular season quarterback?

I loved the shot at Sexy Rexy and the loud mouth Jets on the podium as he accepted the Lamar Hunt Trophy, reserved for THE AFC CHAMPIONS. But hey, we knew Peyton could pop off when he wants to.

I know, I know. I'm sucking Peyton so hard, you're probably waiting for me to spit. The rest of the team has played great this postseason (minus Jacob Lacey, but I'll give him a rookie pass), reminding us all how much of a genius Bill Polian is. And kudos to Jim Caldwell. It's pretty easy to say he inherited a great team, but the defense and special teams had to be tinkered with, and he made all the right moves.

Yes, I'm still mad about the pursuit of perfection. No, it doesn't really matter now. After all, my favorite team is two weeks away from a championship.

COME ON, PAT ME ON THE DAMN BACK

AFC

MY PREDICTION: Colts 31 Jets 10

REAL SCORE: Colts 30 Jets 17

NFC

MY PREDICTION: Saints 34 Vikings 23

REAL SCORE: Saints 31 Vikings 28

What? Did you think I'd let you realize that on your own without mentioning it? Come on, now. That at least makes up for the Kings, right?

RANDOM THOUGHTS FROM A RANDOM SCHMUCK

~Every Favre hater in the world wrote the script for last night's game, right?

~Malcolm Gladwell is a genius, and knows his shit. Please don't think I'm attacking him. In his defense, here's another thing he said about Manning in a different ESPN interview:

Manning reminds me of Tom Hoving, who I write about in "Blink"; he has spent a lifetime studying and handling and thinking about ancient Greek art. One day, the curator of the Getty Museum in Los Angeles showed him a statute they had just bought for $10 million, and Hoving took one look at it and blurted out: "It's fake." In that first split second, the statue struck him as wrong. And sure enough, Hoving was right. It was a fake. When we spend a lifetime studying something that closely, what we are doing is educating our unconscious. We're developing and training our instincts, so that we can glance at a unusual situation and instantly know what it means. That's what Manning is doing by studying so much film. He's educating his on-field instincts.

What I'd love to do is to put eye-tracking goggles on him. Cognitive psychologists use these a lot: they are special glasses that track exactly what your eyes are focusing on at any given moment -- to an incredible level of detail. When you read the word "moment" in my previous sentence, for instance, did you start at the 't' and work backwards, or zero in on the middle "m" or just look at the first 'm' and then skip to the last 't'? The answer would tell me how you "read" a sentence.

I'd love to know, on this same level of detail, how Manning "reads" a defense. Does he spend a extra fraction of a second on the linebacker, or the safety? When he's playing the Ravens, does he look to Ray Lewis first, or last, or does he do something completely unexpected like not looking at Lewis at all? Are there certain schemes that he takes longer to understand? If so, what are they? And so on. Manning, for instance, probably picks up blitzes better than anyone else in football. Wouldn't you love to know what he's doing, in the face of a blitz, that -- say -- Kyle Boller isn't?

What, you mean everybody doesn't know what happens to Kyle Boller in the face of a blitz?

Manning Calmly Drinking At The End

Yep, I've Got Wayne Chrebet's Autograph

Might as well get the obligatory "Rex Ryan is fat" joke out of the way now so you're not thinking about it the whole time.

All week long the Jets have talked.

Head coach Rex Ryan said he'd be "shocked" if the Jets don't beat the Colts, and ESPN decided that was Bottom Line worthy (as is two-star high school recruits announcing their plans to attend Fort Valley State nowadays). Safety Kerry Rhodes (you may remember him as the guy who was benched and nearly shipped out of town two months ago) brought up Manning's four interception performance against the Patriots in the 2003 AFC Championship Game as proof the future Hall of Famer can be rattled. Kicker Jay Feely said the Jets would still have beaten the Colts in Week 16 "had (Bill) Polian and (Jim) Caldwell not shaved their little pussies bald on the field" and removed the starters for a quarter and a half.

One of those is made up, but still, they've been flapping their gums.

"Has anyone seen my gloves and armbands? I need them. For kicking."

All week we've heard about how great the Jets defense is. Are they? I understand how freakishly good Darrelle Revis is, but they did lose seven games, and didn't get that precious number one defensive ranking we've heard so much about until later in the season, when this little favorable stretch factored in:

Week 12 - Carolina (the last game of Jake Delhomme's

immortal 2009 campaign, mercifully ended by injury during a four interception performance)

Week 13 - @ Buffalo

Week 14 - @ Tampa Bay

Week 15 - Atlanta (in the swirling Meadowland winds)

Week 16 - @ Curtis Painter

Week 17 - Cincinnati (without Cedric Benson, with Carson Palmer)

And yes, the victory in San Diego was impressive, but is anyone really surprised by a playoff lapse involving this man? At least when they're not playing the Colts, anyway.

So I guess, surprisingly, I'm not as worried as I should be. The Colts only choked in years past when not a single person expected them to lose, and I've already heard a good amount of people dry hump the Jets bandwagon. I just personally feel it's this team's, and Manning's, destiny.

And if the Jets do win on Sunday, that's karma for willingly giving up a goddamn perfect season.

The pick:

Colts 31, Jets 10

P.S.

True story: My father and I flew with the Colts (and stayed at the team hotel, riding the bus to and from the stadium with "the guys", I called them) for a Colts-Jets game in the Meadowlands in 1998, Manning's third professional game. We got slaughtered 44-6, and trust me, you don't want these scumbag fans to win. They're Grade A assholes, and I swear I heard "J-E-T-S, JETS, JETS, JETS!" 8,000 times.

The silver lining? We bought a program, and during the game the announcer said something along the lines of, "Jets fans! Open your program to page 27! If you have Wayne Chrebet's autograph, you've just won! Come down behind Section 227 to claim your prize!"

Yep, it was me. You should have seen their faces as they handed a shitty Jets sweatshirt to the only kid in the building with a Marvin Harrison jersey on.

So between that, winning an autographed team football when my name scrolled on the screen at the RCA Dome, and being selected out of the audience during an Indiana Ice game at Conseco Fieldhouse to shoot pucks during intermission (I hit one for $500 and decided to take the money and run instead of risking it all for $1,000 - I'll post the hilarious picture of me with a helmet and jersey on here sometime) I have really good/odd luck at sporting events.

Anyways, it's fun to be in a championship game with a team from New York again. Makes me wish the Pacers were still around.

That Other Game, The One Where Sean Payton Is Coaching Against Brad Childress:

Saints 34, Vikings 23

I'm Naming My Future Daughter Daughtry

Author's note: Sorry for the lack of posts lately. I've been really busy, and haven't found the necessary time to entertain ideas for a free blog read by my friends that I don't get paid for. Thank you for your understanding.


"Fan", when used in the sports sense, is a pretty good word, right? As Colin Cowherd always hammers home, it's short for fanatic, and it's often very easy to understand why that is.

"Voting" is a pretty cool word too, right? It lays the groundwork for democracy, and makes everyone feel like their pitiful, meaningless voice counts (as do sports blogs).

Two cute words! Now let's put them together...

Fan voting.

Ewwwwww. Isn't it amazing how two ordinarily tame words, while innocent alone, become vicious cocksuckers when put together? Like two drunks in a cage?

Take two examples: NBA All Star voting and American Idol.

I know, I know. The voting for the NBA All Star game has been hammered before, but has it changed? Nope. So this is still relevant. And American Idol? Well, I admit, I don't watch that show. Unfortunately, my brain overdeveloped while I was in the womb, forming what doctors refer to as a "fecal navigator":


This rare condition allows my brain to determine what's shit, forcing me to avoid any confrontation with sub-standard human activity. If I refuse to listen to my fecal navigator, as was the case when I saw Adam Sandler's Click at the drive-in, my appendages swell to roughly eight times their normal size and my eyes fill with blood.

(Fact: I was contractually-obligated-by-girlfriend to watch the second season all the way through. So yes, I can comment on it. By the end of the season, my poor hazels resembled this.)

So what's wrong exactly with the fan voting for these two all-sizzle, no-steak sideshows? Let's see...

If the NBA All Star game were today, Tracy McGrady would start for the West, while Allen Iverson would start for the East. In case you don't remember, Iverson couldn't even start for the Grizzlies, and opted to retire instead of coming off the pine. He then signed with Philly (his first team, and probably the only one who would sign him, most likely just to spike putrid ticket sales) and is averaging almost 15 points a game. Respectable, but nothing compared to what Rajon Rondo has done with the Celtics, or Mo Williams on the Cavs, or Derrick Rose, or...well, just about anybody other than T.J. Ford.

McGrady has been out almost all season (though it seems more like three seasons) and has scored 19 points...total. The Rockets have sent him on indefinite leave from the team while they try to trade him. Sounds like an All Star to me! Oh well, there's no one else that could start at guard alongside Kobe for the West, what with the conference's lack of good-to-great point guards and everything.

And if Kevin Durant doesn't make the team again, a riot will happen in downtown Indianapolis and everyone will wonder why.

So how does this tie in with American Idol, a show that relies on fan voting for its existence, not just a meaningless exhibition game? Well, you tell me:

Winners of American Idol

Kelly Clarkson
Ruben Studdard
Fantasia Barrino
Carrie Underwood
Taylor Hicks
Jordin Sparks
David Cook
Kris Allen

Wait, is this a list of people chosen by America to win a recording contract and instant fame, or the work schedule posted in the back room of Qdoba? Where the FUCK is 75% of this list today? Does anyone really care about the person who wins, or just the process in which they are selected? I always ask people I know who love the show if they'll buy the winner's album or see them on tour. They always say no. Fascinating.

Something else that's fascinating? Why anyone that's not a cute white girl even tries out. They won't give a shit about you, even if you win. Just ask Taylor Hicks the next time they forget to put the Horsey sauce in your bag and you have a few minutes to awkwardly chat in the Arby's drive-thru line.

(And don't rush to wake up those dreamer Idol fans, but those "hilarious" acts that Simon kicks out? They're staged. By FOX. Like watching a normal, scripted TV show.)

And yes, numerous members of my friends and family love this show, and I don't think they're idiots. I just really don't get it. So I just ignore it, right? Like everyone else that hates it? Nope. I write about it like a 14-year old, and compare it to a basketball game.

So...why are you reading this again?

But hey, it did give us Chris Daughtry, right?

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"That's a huge compliment for me. They sold five million albums last year. Compare me all day to people like that! It gives me hope."

Chris Daughtry, on Nickelback

This guy is a REAL person. He REALLY exists. He's breathing out there right now, as you're reading this. And he's a millionaire. Kill me.

Scurred at the Skirvin!

According to a hilarious true story from the New York Daily News, the New York Knicks were haunted the shit out of at an Oklahoma City hotel.

Well, why wait another second?

in...

"Scurred at the Skirvin!"

Starring...

Mike D'Antoni as... Mr. D'Antoni

David Lee as...Davey

Eddy Curry as...Tiny

and Danilo Gallinari as...Lil' Giuseppe

Featuring: Nate Robinson, Al Harrington, Wilson Chandler, Jared Jeffries


Not Featured on Purpose: Jonathan Bender

You weren't kidding! This album is hot!

It sure is! I could dance all night!

Wowza! What's all this ruckus? We've got a game tomorrow! Get to bed, kids!

Hey Coach, didn't you hear? Staying up and eating candy helps your game!

Get out of town, Al! And get to bed!

12:49 AM

Coach D! Coach D! There's something in the closet! It hurt Jared!

Nate, I'll show you there's nothing in your closet, and Jared is just fine.

Coach, there's a monster in there! And it hurt my eye bad!

Listen, guys. I don't know what's going on, and I don't know why Jared's face is bleeding. But it better stop...RIGHT...NOW. Get to bed! We have the Thunder tomorrow!

We scared, coach. Will you just look in there and make sure?

What are you guys talking about? I don't see a thing! I'm going to bed, and I expect the same from all of you! We've gotta be up at 8:00, misters!

2:37 AM

Coach, Tiny's scared. He said there's something under his bed.

I don't believe this. I don't fucking believe this.

What is it, guys? Is it the thought of playing Kevin Durant? Is it because I let you guys, foolishly now looking back on it, stay up and watch that Final Destination movie? Lil' Giussepe, did you see anything?

C'era un mostro sotto il letto. Era orribile artigli, i denti grossi, e cercò di uccidere Tiny.

Coach, he says there's a monster under the bed. It had horrible claws, big teeth, and tried to kill Tiny.

How many times have I told you? I don't need a fucking translator! I played in Italy for years!

Coach, will you just believe us? We scared, man!


Spirits! Be gone with you! Be gone!

There, we good? Now I'll just tuck you all in and...Tiny? Tiny? What's wrong, Tiny?

Coach, whatever it is that was in the closet...and under my bed...it's...it's...it's in the closet right now!

DARKO!!!!!

THE PICK, JUST BECAUSE EVERYONE MAKES PICKS, EVEN THOUGH NO ONE'S EVER RIGHT

Colts 33, Ravens 16

Will this be the score? No. But hey, why not?