Since I have full faith in Bill Polian's drafting abilities, I never really sweat the NFL draft. I just assume he knows his shit, and the job will get done. And it does.
So who wants to travel to Bizarro World with me? Get comfortable, potential swashbucklers, and enjoy being a Pirates fan for, oh, six minutes or so!
2000
Adam Wainwright is there when the Pirates pick eleventh...and he's still there when they're done. But hey, the Bucs go home with Sean Burnett! Aarrrgh, matey!
2001
This one's a dud no matter where you go, as Casey Kotchman and Jeremy "My Friends Have Always Thought He Sounds Like A Serial Killer" Bonderman are the best options. The Pirates somehow find comedy in the draft, however, by drafting a guy named John Van Benschoten. A fucking pitcher named John Van Benschoten. Sounds like a guy that comes to the ballpark in a white sweater who was cleared of rape charges in college.
Like looking down the barrel of a loaded gun.
OK, this one just became interactive. Go ahead and throw a suit on. Try to look as much like a savvy front-office man as you can. Now look in the mirror and say, "Well, I like that deal, but I just can't pull the trigger. John Van Benschoten is a cornerstone of this franchise, and I just don't think I'm going to get close to full value for him."
Did you make it to the end?
2002
The Pirates have the first pick! They can choose between speedster B.J. Upton, future Cy Young winner Zack Greinke, perennial 40-100 monster Prince Fielder, Joe Saunders, Scott Kazmir, World Series MVP Cole Hamels, James Loney, Deonard Span, Jeff Francoeur, or Matt Cain! Holy shit! Let's go to the podium! This one's a winning lottery ticket:
"With the first pick in the 2002 MLB Draft, the Pittsburgh Pirates select...Bryan Bullington, pitcher, Ball State University."
Oh.
Go ahead. Click to enlarge. If you dare.
2004
Hey, the 11th pick isn't so bad! Apparently that means they've improved! Alright, we can get Jered Weaver, Billy Butler, Stephen Drew (sorry, I just threw up on my fist and punched myself in the face), or Phil Hughes. Wow! Not too shabby. So the pick?
Neil Walker. Pitcher. Again. Oh well, you've all obviously heard of Neil Walker.
Neil Walker?
2005
Wow. It actually appears they got this one right with Andrew McCutchen. I watched him get a hit this year in the bottom of the ninth of a tie game, steal second, and get home on a blooper. I almost cried. It was like seeing Halley's Comet in the seventh grade.
I will thoroughly enjoy Mr. McCutchen's tenure with the Pirates, until a 2013 trade sends him to the Astros in exchange for John Van Benschoten's fucking brother.
2006
I almost skipped this one for the sake of my sanity. The Buccos have the fourth pick, and Clayton Kershaw is there, as is Max Scherzer and Daniel Bard, all pitchers with serviceable-to-good MLB experience already. Oh yeah, there's also a future two-time (nine time? ten time?) Cy Young winner by the name of Timothy LeRoy Lincecum sitting there.
The pick? Pitcher Brad Lincoln.
And if you think I don't become enraged every time the Lincecum commercial comes on that opens with him wearing a Pirates hat as a kid, you are sadly mistaken. I'm going to end this post or my life very soon.
2007
Let's get Matt Wieters! Let's get Jason Heyward! Let's even get Madison Bumgarner and Matt LaPorta, who haven't even really blossomed yet!
Let's get...Daniel Moskos? Yep. A pitcher.
Sure, this one has time to develop, but I'm not holding my breath.
Am I stupid for actually thinking 2008's pick (third baseman Pedro Alvarez) is a savior?
***
Just to give you an idea (like you fucking need one), I was recently going through MLB's apps for BlackBerry. Each one had a little review/note as to why you should get it. What was the enticing message from the Pirates, you ask?
Thanks, pal. And actually, it's 18 years.
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