Citizen Kane II: Kane Lives

I'm fairly certain you, my adorably quick-witted audience, have put this little gimmick together by now. I post a ridiculously absurd, insulting, mind-numbingly pathetic movie trailer and arrange simple words and puns in a cutesy-tootsy manner in order to achieve my goal of lampooning it.

In other words, I go to a playground, find the smallest kid in line for the slide, and unmercifully berate him in front of his peers until I extract the required amount of satisfaction from his/her emotional fragility. I then file away this tender slice of newfound self-esteem deep within the charred, trailer park ashtray that is my heart.

Today, however, is a little bit different...



This one is simply too easy. It's like challenging someone in a coma to a duel, or practicing French kissing on a precocious niece. And yes, I do have a shred of dignity.

Therefore, April 30, 2010 shall be Give Back To The Readers Day. Go ahead! Make up your own jokes about the casting decision of Brendan Fraser and Brooke Shields in a big-budget movie in 2010! Chuckle at the premise of a bloodthirsty, wrathful animal kingdom's zany murderous plots on a seemingly loving husband and father of one in a children's movie!

I'll even get you started in the right direction:

Animal reaction shots!



Human being reaction shots...to poop!



Groin shots!



Close-ups of a raccoon's paws hotwiring a car!

Motor vehicle theft has never been so cute!



An animal driving! That can only be topped by...



An entirely different animal driving!

Two animals driving literally six seconds apart in a two minute and twenty-five second trailer. Extrapolate that! That's, like, 45 animals driving in the whole movie!

See you at the opening, movie lovers!