Monday, June 28, 2010

Things I'd Rather Do...



Than watch NBC's "Last Comic Standing" again...



-Pick burial plots

-Watch my daughter's acceptance speech at the AVN Awards

-Drown

-Be forced to fight another prisoner in Gary Heidnik's dungeon, after weeks of being fed nothing but dog food, and then dog food mixed with human remains

-Create and maintain this website.

-Have the deviated septum in my nose tear back open, only to be cauterized shut again

-Hear the echoing smack of the tray that is my dinner hitting the floor in solitary confinement

-Have whole heads of lettuce thrown at me on my walk to the guillotine

-Walk in on someone being murdered, completely horrified, only for the murderer to put the knife in my hand, jump out the first-floor window, and the police rush in with me standing over the body

-Anything. For the love of God, anything

-Adopt a puppy, then have it immediately taken away from me

-Be tortured by a group of men, yelling at me in a language I don't understand, who have me confused for someone else

-Watch all of Clark Duke's scenes from the movie SEX DRIVE on loop

-Be somehow transported back to a New Orleans bar during Tracey Porter's interception of Peyton Manning that sealed the Saints victory in the Super Bowl

-Be in a scenario where everyone that lived in my town thought this was the most rational way of determining whether or not my existence was justified and I could remain their neighbor

-Burn alive with my family



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