Great job, Gunther. That was the ape's penis. Now, on to today's topic: Building a passionate fan base.
Alright, you and me are putting together a basketball team. We should put it somewhere, obviously, where people love basketball. When you hear the term "hotbed of basketball", what jumps to mind? Are there any movies essentially named after a state's historic love and legacy of basketball?
Exactly. Indiana. Okay, so we're going to put it in Indiana. Now, before we get to the construction of the team itself, we need to keep in mind that shit like character and integrity matters significantly more than big-market teams, but talent trumps all. Let me repeat: Talent trumps all. Choir boys don't sell out too many 16,000 seat stadiums. But that shouldn't matter, right? It's Indiana! I've always heard they sell out huge gyms for high school games.
I've got a great idea! Well, we picked the socially renowned "hotbed of basketball" Indiana as the spot for our team, so we probably don't need too many marketing gimmicks, but what if we got someone who was a legend in the sport (and from Indiana--double score!) to be the face of our franchise? He would sit amongst the fans at every home game! I'm thinking Dick Van Arsdale, but I'm open to suggestions.
Holy shit, of course! Larry Joe Bird! Jesus, we better wrap this up soon--our games may already be sold out.
I'm not really sure the coach matters that much, to be honest with you. It seems like if the players like the coach, they win, and if they don't like the coach, they lose until he gets fired. It's one of the more brutally honest factors of the game. Wait, so does that mean coaching does matter? Okay, okay...let's just get some player coach who fires the fans up with feisty comments.
Now the arena. We can't, just absolute can't, have a shitty arena. I think we both agree there. Nice arena it is.
Okay, now the team. Let's flip a coin to see if we're blessed to have a superstar--you know, national (and often times, international) marketing, prime time games, and general relevance. In other words, a godsend. Damn, I just realized that big-name free agents probably aren't going to be lining up to play in Indiana. We're going to have to get ours in the draft, which requires losing, securing the number one pick, and accomplishing both of these feats in exactly the right year. Shit. Okay, flip.
Goddamnit, tails! You did indeed fail! Okay. That's okay. No superstar. We're just going to have to be really smart in the draft and with our money.
First, let's get somebody who shoots threes. People in Indiana love threes. Hell, let's even make his number 33. He'll be quiet, unassuming, and talented. Not exactly a "star", but nobody that's going to turn away fans, either. Maybe he'll make, say, one All Star team.
Next we need an incredibly likeable big man. Somebody who buys up seats and gives them to fans, stuff like that. A player who noticeably works hard in the offseason and comes back leaner and with a few more moves. Maybe he could even make the All Star team one year.
Now for the two-guard. Get this! An absolute athletic freak who throws down harder windmills than Don Quixote and plays his ass off on defense.
Fuck yes! That's a great idea! We'll bring hometown hero George Hill to Indiana! He grew up there, played high school in Broad Ripple, and went to college at IUPUI. Perfect fit! I only hope our fans enjoy standing room only tickets!
Now how about just a famous collegiate athlete. Somebody everybody knows. Not going to impress you with athleticism, but a guy who played four years at school and had success. A guy who will work hard, get a couple "nice job, (insert name here)" plays a game, and grab some boards for you.
Let's also make sure we get a "veteran presence" guy whose been in the league, had some success, and if he attended a Midwestern college, even better. Hell, even he's made an All Star team, let's say.
Point guard has to be quick. He, like every single other member of the team save maybe one, should be an outstanding member of the community. He can also play four years at a historically great school. Since we've got three guys that have made All Star teams, let's leave him off. Still okay, though.
You know those (if they're not on your team, slightly annoying) hustling white guys? The guys getting scrappy offensive rebounds and put backs? Let's get another one of those, and let's make sure he has funny hair. I think I remember Scot Pollard mentioning that people from Indiana love funny hair.
That's pretty good for now. We can fill out the rest of the roster spots later with guys like Dahntay Jones and Jeff Pendergraph.
What if I told you the team we just made up was a real team? And I had the numbers regarding NBA attendance? Let's try to guess where we're at in average attendance!
No, I thought we might be first, too, until I thought about the big market cities. They just have more people. Strange concept, huh? No, the Bulls are actually first. They brought in a cool 22,000+ a game. Damn. No shame in not matching that, I guess. It is Chicago. Don't worry, I'm sure we'll come up soon.
Huh. I used the small-market excuse, but guess who's two? The Portland Trail Blazers. Their fans are legendary, so this gives us hope, I guess. Really thought we might have been there. I know we're coming up!
Dallas, Miami, and New York are three, four, and five. Makes sense. Still not sweating.
Wow, Utah at six? Over 19,000 people on average in Utah went to every single home game? That's impressive.
Okay, I'm starting to worry now. The Lakers and Clippers are next (actually surprised LA was this far down), followed by Orlando and Golden State. Golden State has had miniscule success in its history in the NBA, and, goddamn, do those fans still show up every game.
Boston, sure. San Antonio, okay. Oklahoma City is next, they're good. The Sixers, fine. The Timberwolves, can't argue with...wait, what? The Timberwolves? In Minnesota?
Denver, check. Toronto. Toronto? I thought I read that wrong. Did we choose right with Indiana? Are they really a "basketball state"? I'm starting to wonder...
DC is next, okay. Sure. Cleveland? Fucking Cleveland beat us! Their star left and publicly decimated their franchise! They had one of the worst records in the league last season! Why can their fans show loyalty and ours can't? Okay, it's fine, calm down. We have to be coming up.
Memphis and Phoenix, fine. Houston and Atlanta, whatever. Charlotte.
Wait a second.
Charlotte? The Bobcats? The historically terrible, obviously tanking, nationally irrelevant but for their woes and owner Bobcats? They ranked ahead? Really?
Milwaukee and Sacramento. Hey, hasn't Sacramento been in the news lately for possibly relocating?
The Pistons are next, awesome.
And then look who it is, sitting at number 29.
Indiana.
29 out of 30. The last team you ask? The New Jersey Nets, who have already packed their bags and are moving to Brooklyn. Congratulations, Indiana. You beat a relocating franchise--by 102 average fans a game.
May I chime in before I hear the should-be-tape-recorded "they were thugs" and "that team turned off the city" lines? Shut up. Do you know what this organization did? They did everything they could to appease your ass. They traded your "thugs" for squeaky clean guys with half the talent and, would you believe it, the on-court product suffered. They became easily one of the three to four most irrelevant franchises in the league, and you quit going.
Then the team started cheesy promotions, resembling a minor league baseball team. Basically giving tickets away. The Pacers team Twitter feed is a lot like that kid who bounced the ball at the end of his driveway alone, hoping someone would ask him to play.
And now? They have the roster listed above and are still 29 out of 30. With a third seeded team in the playoffs. In a beautiful arena.
And they were 30 out of 30 last season. And that team made the playoffs, too.
People can still call Indiana the hotbed of basketball. They should just put an asterisk next to it that signifies the professional team doesn't count.
This team should be a real threat to relocate. The sad part is, it's deserving.
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