Brace Yourself

Rivalries, while immensely entertaining and great for ratings, truly exist for properly ranking greatness. Bird and Magic pushed each other to limits they probably wouldn't have achieved alone in the 1980s NBA, as Manning and Brady do in today's NFL. When comparing two great players of the same era, personal performance and team success against your equal truly molds and defines a legacy, and while it's impossible to know how much a personal rivalry improves a specific player's performance, it undeniably factors in somehow.

Of course, pure greatness in its rarest form is unmatched. This occurs when something or someone is just too good for their competition, rendering it useless. This is when the term "greatest" starts getting thrown around. And since January 22, 2010, Hollywood had its equivalent of Michael Jordan, a specimen so great, its dominance went unrivaled.

As of February 14, the Dwayne Johnson vehicle Tooth Fairy was $4 million short of even making its budget back. Some sexy, reputable sources were even calling it the worst (or at the very least, the dumbest and most insulting) movie possibly ever made.

Back to this in a minute. Remember LeBron James's first Sports Illustrated cover?

This was a bold declaration to the NBA and its fans that a savior was on his way, even if he was just a junior in high school. After numerous Next Michael Jordans had come and gone, all failing to deliver on their bid to become His Airness II, some had given up their search. This magazine cover got people thinking again.

I, too, had given up my personal search for a shittier movie than Tooth Fairy. Then, as an angel singing in the night, this got me thinking again:



Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Let's slow it down a little. I know the plot might have whizzed by some of you like a Lincecum fastball.

Lucia (Ugly Betty's America Ferrera) is Mexican or Puerto Rican or something. We know this because some white executive picked a Mexican restaurant song to play during her trailer character development segment. Her father is Carlos Mencia, in the running for "Person I would most like to perform some sort of serious life-or-death surgery on even though I have no medical training whatsoever". Let's just say I enjoyed his death on South Park a little too much. For some reason, they make a "Carlos Mencia's character is so dumb, he probably thinks people still drive cars like they did in The Flintstones!" joke, even though it appears he works around cars everyday. Hopefully this gets resolved, and we find out in the movie if he really thinks that!

Marcus (and his "um, maybe some beats?" theme music) is black. So is his family, including T.J. Ford's father Forest Whitaker:

I thought I was a genius when I noticed the resemblance until a simple search revealed someone else put that on a message board - two years ago. I was crushed. Let's move on.

Whitaker either drives in England or had his car's steering wheel installed on the right side of the dashboard. This is unclear. What is clear is Forest's car gets towed - by Carlos Mencia! Racial barbs get thrown like rice at a wedding, and Mencia drives off the victor, never having to face his black rival again.

BUT NOW THEIR TWO WORLDS ARE ABOUT ABOUT TO COLLIDE! Guess what? Lucia's dad is Carlos Mencia! Marcus's father is Forest Whitaker! Oh wait, you knew that. But they didn't! I hope my deep laughter doesn't distract the patrons of my theater, and we can all keep up with the dialogue of the ensuing dinner scene. You know, the one after they find out they're about to be in-laws. Hilarity.

I hope the multiple scenes of a happy wedding towards the end of the trailer aren't spoilers!

Russell-Chamberlain. Federer-Nadal. Stockton-Price. And now...Tooth Fairy-Our Family Wedding.