Bet On A Blockbuster

The 2009 Indianapolis Colts, if anything, have taught us a very valuable lesson about historical greatness. Yes, it's hard to chase. Yes, at times the daunting challenge of immortality may seem out of reach, rigorous, and impossible. And yes, you can give up if you want. You can absolutely quit, like a cowering, shivering pussy.

Luckily for sports fans, movie fans, and Billy Crystal fans, director Michael Lembeck and six fully grown men/storytellers came together with one ambitious goal in mind, and they made damn sure no starters were pulled until their own respective "pursuit of perfection" was complete.

They set out to create the worst fucking movie of all time:

So just to make sure you or I didn't miss any pivotal nuances here:

Dwayne  The Rock  Johnson stars as semi-pro hockey player Derek Thompson, a reasonable premise considering the NHL's overwhelming African-Canadian/Samoan percentage among active players.  Derek is the most punishing bully of an enforcer on his team, and most likely in the entire league.  We know this because when a rival player notices his tooth has been knocked out (by Derek's own vicious check), Derek's reaction is proud, diabolical laughter from a reclining leather chair.  We now have visual evidence supporting the creation of his crowd-favorite "Tooth Fairy" nickname! 

However, a possible shakeup rears its ugly head when a hot shot "future of the franchise"rookie (marginally famous Ryan Sheckler) greets his new team with an insult to Derek's face!  This blasphemous lack of respect hurts and surprises Derek, who is shirtless.

Now knowing the pain words can inflict, you would assume Derek would carefully watch what he says to people, especially fans.  Not so.  He apparently regularly crushes children's dreams of playing hockey, sometimes in front of their enabling "dreamer" parents. 

We then find out the ultimate crime:  Derek doesn't believe in fairy tales.  What Derek does believe in, the bastard, is telling his own daughter the tooth fairy doesn't exist.  The nerve, right?  I remember when my parents said that, and everyone I've ever met's parents said that, but for Derek to say that?  Who does that son of a bitch think he is?  Ashley Judd has every right to believe that scene deserves a disapproving scowl.

But ahoy!  Fate steps in, and Derek is found guilty (by a still unknown legislation headed by Julie Andrews) of crushing dreams or something, and grows wings!  He must become a tooth fairy!  Like, a real one!

Remember how good you felt during The Santa Clause 2 and The Santa Clause 3:  The Escape Clause?  Pretty fucking good, right?  Awesome!  Michael Lembeck directed both of those!  So we're guaranteed the same "Ahhhh!  Is that me in the mirror?  Whooooooooooaaaaaaaa!" montages, just based around a different bizarre adults-tricking-their-children tradition! 

Director Michael Lembeck, a grown man, is seen here directing Tim Allen, another grown man, on how to accurately portray Santa Claus, an imaginary man.

Sprinkle a little Billy Crystal here, a little Indian in the Cupboard special effects there, and wah lah!

Congratulations, Mr. Lembeck and Co.  You saw the adversity.  You saw the sharp criticism.  You saw the Mercury Morris-esque Gigli and Plan 9 From Outer Space in your path and you said, "Bring it the fuck on."

After all, I totally know what constitutes a successful motion picture these days.