And The Loser Is...

I will never understand why certain awards exist, nor will I ever fully understand how certain award-winners are determined. I'm past the point of contemplation or bewilderment, and definitely above arguing about roughly 98% of presented awards with my friends. A stupid award is invented, leading stupid people to select from a designated crop of even more stupid people until a winner is crowned.

Take the Grammy's, for example. They define themselves as an awards ceremony celebrating "outstanding achievements in the music industry", yet Radiohead (3), the White Stripes (4), Wilco (1), and the Arcade Fire (0) have a combined eight Grammy awards, and most of them are in the vaguely generic "alternative album" category. And lately? The Grammy's have become synonymous with American Idol contestants and the Billboard Top 100. Taylor Swift is nominated for eight - this year alone.

Now let's take the Heisman Trophy. Apparently, only quarterbacks can win them, so that leaves 120 players with a chance at the Stiff Arm. You mean you're a stud defender or lineman? Suck it. Have fun with the Outland Trophy, guys!

And no, I don't think Colt McCoy deserves the Heisman this year, even though he's the odds-on-favorite to win. Who has Texas played? Their defense and special teams win their games, and McCoy was DREADFUL against Oklahoma, their top rival. If you want to invent a Career Achievement award for him, go right on ahead. Just don't give it to a guy who doesn't deserve it.

Texas Longhorns quarterback Colt McCoy, seen here at the 2008 Heisman Trophy presentation.

Hmmmm, intriguing. Giving awards to people who don't deserve them? What an interesting concept! What are we waiting for?

THE "VICE VERSA, STARRING JUDGE REINHOLD AND FRED SAVAGE" AWARD FOR RIDICULOUS ACCOMPLISHMENTS BY MULTIPLE PEOPLE!

Taylor Swift as Jason White

Really? I'm supposed to believe a 19-year old girl (who can play guitar AND write her own songs! I mean, wow! What an accomplishment for a musician!) is the toast of the music town? Are the judges 15-year old white girls? And let's stop with the whole "writes her own songs" thing. I looked up some lyrics:

You sit in class next to a readhead named Abigail / And soon enough you're best friends / Laughing at the other girls who think they're so cool / We'll be outta here as soon as we can

Are you fucking serious? If you give a chimp a pen, he'll eventually write a fucking song. If you give a girl chimp with teen angst a pen, she'll eventually write that song. Let's stop congratulating professionals for the act of doing something and start criticizing the result of what they did. That "song" looks like her pen just took a shit.

Poor Jason. Did you think you would escape unscathed? Let's not forget you were a balding 23-year old with bad knees when you beat out a couple of no-names (Larry Fitzgerald and Eli Manning) for the Heisman. But hey, at least you played a good National Championship game to silence your doubters the next season!

Fergie of the Black Eyed Peas as Chris Weinke

I can only imagine an old man in 2065 asking his friend, "Hey, what was the name of that Black Eyed Peas song? Was it 'Let's Get Retarded'? Weren't they up for a Grammy for Album of the Year a few years later?" Will music classes teach future generations of the Black Eyed Peas the way I learned of the Beatles? If so, the mindless fatsos in WALL-E don't seem so far off.

Hey, don't feel too bad, Jason! Chris was 28 when he won the Heisman, putting him in about 5th grade when his teammates and opponents were born. That's impressive, right?

And yes, I know the Heisman is a collegiate award, therefore using hindsight and NFL success shouldn't even be relevant. But, um, wow this is awkward.

And now, the worst year in the history of the prestigious Heisman Trophy...

Kings of Leon as Eric Crouch, Rex Grossman, and Ken Dorsey

I just don't get it. Is it their rough heartthrob looks? These guys have been around forever, but it seems like people (and especially girls) are just now discovering them, which is always annoying. I liked one song for about two weeks, and couldn't really make up my mind about them (which is a biggie for me). Then the onslaught occured, making my decision pretty easy.

It seems like the "alternative album" category in this year's Grammy's was made especially for Caleb Followill's whiny, annoying voice. I know a few friends and readers will be disappointed by this selection, but I'm sorry. Don't hold it against me for not digging this year's "it" band. Just not for me.

Friday the 13th Part VIII: Kevin Barker Takes Manhattan

Remember when sports existed solely as an escape from the muck of reality? When you could take a break from removing sulfur, nitrogen, or phosphorous from ore while creating steel in suburban Pittsburgh to, you know, watch the Steelers. Or forget the image of your deceitful wife under her boss's desk to take in a Memphis Grizzlies game. (Poor example)

Those days are done. ESPN works exactly like TMZ now, even resorting to getting their stories from them. You know why we even knew who Adam "Pacman" Jones was, despite his limited playing time or relevant statistics? Because Sportscenter talked about him every fucking day. You know why so many people know Terrell Owens as that asshole who rips his teammates on the sidelines? Because there's a T.O. camera constantly on him, almost provoking an incident, praying for even the slightest hint of a meltdown that can lead NFL Live, giving Mark Schlereth an aneurysm.

And all this Tiger Woods coverage? Funnier than Carrot Top, Gallagher, and The Diceman all rolled into one, especially when you add in The Network's recent bouts with infidelity in the mix.

Everybody knows cheaters (in sports, especially) prosper. They just do. Back in August, two friends and I (who follow baseball religiously) attended a San Francisco Giants-Cincinnati Reds game to watch Lincecum pitch. Reds manager/Cubs scapegoat Dusty Baker sent Kevin Barker in to pinch hit late in the game. He was 33 years old, and the three of us (who earlier at dinner rolled off every single team's five man starting rotation, their middle-relief holds guys, and closers) had never heard of him. Never. If he walked down my street wearing his own Reds jersey, I would go on a tangent about how stupid personalized jerseys are.

The immortal Kevin Barker, seemingly running towards Cooperstown.

Anyways, you don't think Kevin Barker would trade his six career home runs, .249 lifetime average, and integrity for Sammy Sosa's $125 million career earnings and 609 homers? Skin tone aside? Please. The real losers in all of this are the guys you've never heard of.

(By the way, Kevin Barker was just woken up from his mid-afternoon nap by a cold chill rushing up his spine before shrugging his shoulders and drifting back to sleep.)

Anyways, I'm not trying to hammer on the baseball steroid thing. Lord knows that's reached the Barbaro level of a dead horse. But here's a picture of Luis Gonzalez just for fun:

Maybe if I do this, people won't notice I only averaged 16.4 home runs in the ten year span leading up to my inexplicable 57 homer season in 2001!

Yes, I got off topic. Let's just not forgivingly sweep these guys under the historic rug, okay? Okay.

TONIGHT!

Adobo Grill. It's a really good Mexican restaurant and bar on E. Washington St. Lauren Mueller, a soon-to-be graduate of Herron, is having her senior thesis art show there from 6-11. It'll be worth your while, and it's half-priced margarita night! (And yes, I will be there the whole time. So as long as the lines don't distract the workers, or steal the intended ambiance of the evening, I will gladly sign laptops and printed out pieces.) (Everything's true except the first set of parenthesis. These parenthesis are the true ones.)

What Really Happened?

As you might imagine, we here at FFGP2 are treading very carefully in the Dagobah-like swamp that is the biggest controversy in sports right now. This particular story is bleeding over from the sports page and into the gossip section, and people want answers.

Did a stalker steal those pictures from Grady Sizemore or his girlfriend's computer? Or did he willingly release them to the public?

Yes, the Strosnider camp was devastated when ultra-douche pics of his favorite player hit the web. How could I root for someone who takes pictures like that of himself? How could I root for someone that, if I were to wear my jersey t-shirt downtown, someone would say, "Oh, you lookin' for The Ten, that gay bar? It's down off Pennsylvania and 12th." Thanks, Grady. It used to mean a badass defender in the 30-30 club.

If the latest from Deadspin is true, does that make it passable? Does it make it any better if they were hacked by some stalker from his cute girlfriend's computer? Would I be a lame apologist if I put my shirt on, threw on some eye-black, and stood in the mirror saying, "OK, there may be pictures of him holding a tea cup over his dick. Some might be of him holding his balls through some underwear. Could I see myself taking pictures like that and sending them to my girlfriend? Could I?"


From here on out, Tim Lincecum is my favorite major league baseball player. Any reference to Grady Sizemore will be met by the same face Kansas football players give Mark Mangino the second after he coldly insults their culture.

And while I'm telling myself it's nowhere near as douchy as Steelers kicker Jeff Reed, I would appreciate privacy and understanding during this very difficult matter.

JUST END IT

To the ACC-Big 10 Challenge. Pull the plug. It's embarrassing, and further proof the Big 10 is just not on the same level as the elite conferences in basketball (or football, but that's another story). Since 1999, the ACC leads 65-38. Every single Big 10 team has a losing record in the "challenge" except Michigan State, kings of the hill at 5-5. Pathetic.

Quit calling it a challenge or quit it altogether.

TALES FROM THE CRYPT

I took my grandmother to get her blood tested this morning, then to eat lunch at MCL Cafeteria, two places where if your goal when you woke up was to encounter old, decrepid people in their natural habitat, you succeeded admirably. Three stories:

1) At the blood hospital (?), a very overweight woman was letting her whipped husband put her coat on when this exchange happened:

Wife

Ah! Your fingernail cut my hand!

Husband

Huh?

Wife

Your fingernail! It cut my hand!

Husband

What?

Wife

Your fingernail cut my hand!

Husband

Who did?

Wife

You did!

Husband

(Severly confused for five solid minutes)

This may not be as funny in writing. It was just an odd moment in old person history, and I'm glad I witnessed it.

2) At MCL, a very old man was sitting at the table behind us. When he was finished eating, he called over an MCL worker and said, "I'm going to the toilet and then I'm leaving." Fantastic.

3) My grandma is in a wheelchair, so I have to drive one of those vans where the door slides open and a ramp comes out for her to drive up on. Well, this old man illegally parked right next to us (pretty much on the street), so I went inside and told the workers that an old guy illegally parked and would have to come outside and move it so we could go. So he comes out, moves his car, and acts like he saved the day. Check out his new park job:

I would think old people driving were more hilarious if I didn't fear for my own life every single day.

RANDOM VIDEO RANT

This happens in the NBA 2-3 times a game. Can we start calling this? It's so annoying to watch a guy just walk with the ball the second he gets it (in front of the ref, no less) and not get called.

P.S.

I haven't forgotten the odd scene in FOX's pregame show, or the game that's fun even for women (even if you had forgotten). For some reason, Blogger uploads certain videos and not others, causing my blood pressure to reach Weis-ian levels. I swear it's coming. I can't wait until I get the whole web design shit down to where I don't have to use this anymore. Can't. Wait.

Why Favre Is NOT The MVP

Get it? They're both along for the ride?

Sorry, everybody. As much as the media now wants him to be, he's just not. And no, the biggest evidence I have isn't the fact that I'm from Indianapolis.

How do you determine who the Most Valuable Player is, again? Well, I've always understood it as, "If you replace Player X with his backup, how many games would his team win?", or, "Who flat-out does the most for his team, and has the absolute most affect on the gameplan, and how opponents gameplan against him?" Are the answers to both of those questions honestly Brett Favre?

First off, before we slurp every last drop from those 40-year old balls, let's keep in mind the Minnesota Vikings went 10-6 last year with a combination of Tavaris Jackson and Gus Frerotte at starting quarterback. They won their division and made the playoffs, despite Brad Childress's best efforts to thwart those noble hopes and ambitious preseason goals.

So what does that mean? Well, I gather Minnesota traditionally wins with a power running game and good defense. After all, they have Adrian Peterson and Jared Allen on their team, as well as perhaps the best offensive line in football, so that's not a terrible start. Add in Percy Harvin, this year's offensive rookie of the year, whom the immortal Jackson and Frerotte combo obviously did not have the luxury of having. So there's a few more wins, thanks to Harvin's dynamic return game and overall awesomeness alone.

And I understand Sidney Rice is developing into a monster under Favre's wing, but his flashes started last season.

Does this take anything away from Favre's impressive start and gaudy numbers? No, not really. I'm just saying he's not the most valuable player on his own team.

Now let's take a look at the Vikings schedule up to this point:

@ Cleveland, @ Detroit, San Francisco, Green Bay, @ St. Louis, Baltimore, @ Pittsburgh, @ Green Bay, BYE, Detroit, Seattle, Chicago

Talk about some juggernauts! By my estimation, that's five out of a possible eleven games against teams still in the playoff hunt today (San Francisco, Green Bay twice, Baltimore, and Pittsburgh). And I would even argue that two of those teams (SF and Baltimore) suck, the jury's still out on Green Bay (and there was a little something extra, there), and they lost to Pittsburgh.

So if Sage "The Fumbling Helicopter" Rosenfels plays in those games? They beat Cleveland, beat Detroit, and I'll put SF in the loss column (because that was Favre's signature MVP moment so far). They still beat GB at home because Jared Allen sodomized the Pack offensive line, beat the Rams, lose to Baltimore, lose to Pittsburgh, maybe lose at Green Bay, and still win those final three after the bye. That's still a record of 7-4 or 8-3. Sure, it's not 10-1, but it's still good enough to get into the playoffs in the shitty NFC North.

The Colts on the other hand? Without Manning they're 4-7 or, in a really good scenario, 5-6 (you know, since NINE of his eleven were teams currently in the playoff hunt). They're nowhere near 11-0 (let me repeat, 11-0) without him, and it's well-documented they rank second to last in rushing. Tony Dungy and Marvin Harrison morphed into Jim Caldwell, Pierre Garcon, and Austin Collie in the offseason - and they've already clinched the AFC South.

Think of every game-winning drive Manning has led the Colts on this season. Were you even nervous?

Now think of Jim Sorgi.

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?

THE "JARED ALLEN LOOKS LIKE THE KIND OF GUY THAT GETS DRUNK ALONE AND ORDERS TWO PROSTITUTES TO HIS HOUSE AT 2 A.M." AWARD

WHY ATHLETES ARE PROBABLY 83% ASSHOLES

"Squirt that in my mouth, mother fucker. I ain't holdin' it."

(Not necessarily Peterson. I like him. But is there anything more arrogant looking?)

ANYBODY ELSE NOTICE THE SKINNY DOMINO'S GUY'S RACK?

"When you buy a third large, one-topping pizza, I'll throw in the secret behind what's going on in my glands and chromosome region."

"GOD, MANNING! QUIT THROWIN' STUPID FIRST HALF PICKS! WAIT...WHAT DID THAT SAY AT THE BOTTOM? CAN YOU REWIND THAT?"

"YEP, I'M A PROFESSIONAL DEFENSIVE COORDINATOR, AND DESEAN JACKSON WAS LEFT UNCOVERED BY MY ASSIGNED DEFENDERS FOR A TOUCHDOWN, ON NATIONAL TELEVISION, NO LESS"

THE FUTURE OF AMERICAN CURRENCY

Sports Commercials Just Keep Getting Stranger

PICS OF THE DAY

The Sizemore pics.  Did some girl release these?  Or was he like, "Man, I'm awesome, but I play in Cleveland.  I want "Grady's Ladies" to be comprised of more than just a bunch of fat, pasty Clevelandites"?

I'm glad I'm so into women, otherwise this would be a huge day for me.

VIDEO OF THE DAY

Can someone tell me what the hell is going on in this commercial?  Why is there no music?  Is it for artistic purposes that I can hear his footsteps while he's working out?  And all the elbows?

For Jordan

PICTURE OF THE DAY

Every coach should have to break out the 90's Starter gear for throwback Sundays.

Speaking of Starter...

VIDEO OF THE DAY

The CEO of Starter just sat up in bed, saying, "What the fuck? We're still in business?" incredulously, picked up his phone, and called Dick's Sporting Goods, cancelling his job interview at 10:30.

The After-Thanksgiving Shits

THE INEVITABLE

Collinsworth: Well, coach, you've won four straight Super Bowls, and some people are starting to talk. Rumors are swirling around the league. They think your brilliance is being caged up by a sport while much more pressing problems exist in the world. Anything else you wanna say on our show, Brad?

Childress: Well, Chris, I appreciate you guys having me on your program tonight, and it is my honor to announce my candidacy for President of the United States for the year 2012.

CHILL-DRISS! CHILL-DRISS! CHILL-DRISS! CHILL-DRISS!

"I don't care if it's 3rd and 12 or 2012, I'm getting the job done."

"The American people made the right decision. I will not disappoint you as your leader, so long as you do not disappoint me."

"Hello, New York. You will be the first American city to abandon the term 'President' Childress. Hence forth, I shall be known as King Childress, or, or, or Lord Childress. Yeah, that sounds good. And you shall be known as 'New Brad City', or better yet, 'Bradhattan'. Actually, let's just make it 'Bradhattan'."

Don't get too excited, St. Vincent and the Grenadines. I just got lazy with my coloring.

"Oh, Bradelona. How you thrive under your leader! Wait! Citizen 38ZB! Did you just snicker? Citizens, tear him limb from limb! I will NOT be ridiculed!"

"Chilbots! Robrads! Destroy!"

AH, THERE'S NOTHING LIKE BOXING

Anyone else like watching dudes with cuts like this? While other guys shove and stick Q-tips in said cuts and make blood drip? If you said yes to both questions, you like boxing.

That leads to this week's...
QUOTES OF THE WEEK

"It's almost as if he has a stick with a...with a bowling ball at the end of it!" ~ Gus Johnson, on Andre Ward, who beat Mikkel Kessler (seen above)

"A home judge referee. How you say?" ~ Kessler, through broken English, after being headbutt(en?) twice, causing the cuts

"I think Daunte Culpepper is trying to revitalilze his career here in Detroit." ~ Troy Aikman

(Other possible quotes for Aikman include, "I think the sun is a ball of gas"; "I think the bucket was an important invention"; and "I think human beings are on to something with this whole 'computer' thing."

"My goodness, he's getting sacked almost every time. The ones that are supposed to be guarding for (Eli) Manning, are they not doing their job?" ~ Louise Hoffa, my 85-year old grandmother

"That's, uh, Boss...er...Champ Bailey." ~ Matt Millen

(Now I know you drafted Boss Bailey and wanted him to develop into even one half the player his brother is, but come on, Matt. Just come on.)

"(Mark) Pope doing a good job on McGrady." ~ Whoever was calling the 2001 Magic-Bucks game I watched last night on NBATV

"I'm going for it on 4th down. We're 2-7, what the fuck difference does it make?" ~ An anonymous Cincinnati Bengals coach from the 90's, on NFL Network's "Worst Teams Ever" show.

(That inspires confidence, right? He wasn't fired, was he? He was? Oh.)

CONVERSATIONS OF THE WEEK

My 12-year old nephew, Ian

Who's that guy?

Me

That's the FOX Robot. Why? You like him?

Ian

No. He's weird.

(I think you're missing your demographic there, FOX)

***

Ian's 9-year old brother, Grahm

What about (JaMarcus) Russell?

Me

He's not the starter anymore.

Grahm

Yeah, that's good.

THE "HEY, JUST BE HAPPY I GOT YOU A CARD" AWARD

Isn't it weird that they make birthday cards that say "Stepdad" or "Stepmom" on it? It's like you're saying, "Hey, I wanted to get you something for your birthday, but I wanted to use this as an opportunity to remind you yet again that you are not, and never will be, my biological parent. Happy birthday!"

Happy Thanksgiving. Hope you're not an idiot out there shopping.