And The Loser Is...

I will never understand why certain awards exist, nor will I ever fully understand how certain award-winners are determined. I'm past the point of contemplation or bewilderment, and definitely above arguing about roughly 98% of presented awards with my friends. A stupid award is invented, leading stupid people to select from a designated crop of even more stupid people until a winner is crowned.

Take the Grammy's, for example. They define themselves as an awards ceremony celebrating "outstanding achievements in the music industry", yet Radiohead (3), the White Stripes (4), Wilco (1), and the Arcade Fire (0) have a combined eight Grammy awards, and most of them are in the vaguely generic "alternative album" category. And lately? The Grammy's have become synonymous with American Idol contestants and the Billboard Top 100. Taylor Swift is nominated for eight - this year alone.

Now let's take the Heisman Trophy. Apparently, only quarterbacks can win them, so that leaves 120 players with a chance at the Stiff Arm. You mean you're a stud defender or lineman? Suck it. Have fun with the Outland Trophy, guys!

And no, I don't think Colt McCoy deserves the Heisman this year, even though he's the odds-on-favorite to win. Who has Texas played? Their defense and special teams win their games, and McCoy was DREADFUL against Oklahoma, their top rival. If you want to invent a Career Achievement award for him, go right on ahead. Just don't give it to a guy who doesn't deserve it.

Texas Longhorns quarterback Colt McCoy, seen here at the 2008 Heisman Trophy presentation.

Hmmmm, intriguing. Giving awards to people who don't deserve them? What an interesting concept! What are we waiting for?

THE "VICE VERSA, STARRING JUDGE REINHOLD AND FRED SAVAGE" AWARD FOR RIDICULOUS ACCOMPLISHMENTS BY MULTIPLE PEOPLE!

Taylor Swift as Jason White

Really? I'm supposed to believe a 19-year old girl (who can play guitar AND write her own songs! I mean, wow! What an accomplishment for a musician!) is the toast of the music town? Are the judges 15-year old white girls? And let's stop with the whole "writes her own songs" thing. I looked up some lyrics:

You sit in class next to a readhead named Abigail / And soon enough you're best friends / Laughing at the other girls who think they're so cool / We'll be outta here as soon as we can

Are you fucking serious? If you give a chimp a pen, he'll eventually write a fucking song. If you give a girl chimp with teen angst a pen, she'll eventually write that song. Let's stop congratulating professionals for the act of doing something and start criticizing the result of what they did. That "song" looks like her pen just took a shit.

Poor Jason. Did you think you would escape unscathed? Let's not forget you were a balding 23-year old with bad knees when you beat out a couple of no-names (Larry Fitzgerald and Eli Manning) for the Heisman. But hey, at least you played a good National Championship game to silence your doubters the next season!

Fergie of the Black Eyed Peas as Chris Weinke

I can only imagine an old man in 2065 asking his friend, "Hey, what was the name of that Black Eyed Peas song? Was it 'Let's Get Retarded'? Weren't they up for a Grammy for Album of the Year a few years later?" Will music classes teach future generations of the Black Eyed Peas the way I learned of the Beatles? If so, the mindless fatsos in WALL-E don't seem so far off.

Hey, don't feel too bad, Jason! Chris was 28 when he won the Heisman, putting him in about 5th grade when his teammates and opponents were born. That's impressive, right?

And yes, I know the Heisman is a collegiate award, therefore using hindsight and NFL success shouldn't even be relevant. But, um, wow this is awkward.

And now, the worst year in the history of the prestigious Heisman Trophy...

Kings of Leon as Eric Crouch, Rex Grossman, and Ken Dorsey

I just don't get it. Is it their rough heartthrob looks? These guys have been around forever, but it seems like people (and especially girls) are just now discovering them, which is always annoying. I liked one song for about two weeks, and couldn't really make up my mind about them (which is a biggie for me). Then the onslaught occured, making my decision pretty easy.

It seems like the "alternative album" category in this year's Grammy's was made especially for Caleb Followill's whiny, annoying voice. I know a few friends and readers will be disappointed by this selection, but I'm sorry. Don't hold it against me for not digging this year's "it" band. Just not for me.