In school all the kids tried to be the next equipped with ideas resting comfortably in now. The professors challenged us to gather into teams and compete to design the future's great social networking feat, and I certainly had roles in many-a-team whose goals fit somewhere between "digital photography that automatically names, files, properly stores, and shares photographs as you take them" and "um, something like Twitter that is, like, a trainer and makes you go to the gym when you don't really want to, and it posts your results so your friends, who are also working out, can also look at it, too. It pushes you." Facebook wasn't built in a day, and you have to be prepared to withstand an onslaught of terrible ideas that either should never exist or practically already do.
The exact reason for such bland concepts surrounding me was purposeful: I was a yes man. I grew comfortable in the role of "I'll hang back and you direct" guy, and let them think I was docile and serene. I gladly offered to write and storyboard the products' commercials and present it to the class. The Pitch Man. Of course, the reason I contributed little in the idea department was because I carried the only idea that truly mattered, and wasn't about to waste it amongst thought thieves and hangers-on. Tenured leaches.
Which brings us...to today. The launch. What's launching, you ask? America. Into the next economic recovery, and I'm shooting her there with my social networking rubber band.
We all want...that world. That place where boundaries are thin as floss. Where everyone you know (assuming you Tweet, live vlog, and photo share) can practically say they were right there with you at the bar on Saturday night. Hell, they were basically singing that old favorite tune with their arms wrapped around you. Isn't that what we want? For our children?
I introduce to you...Pedophind.
Let me guess: You gasped, said, "It's the future," and cupped your hand to your mouth, and maybe dropped something that you were holding while backing up slowly. I'd say get on board now. There aren't enough seats to save, and you might not get to sit next to your friend. I'd also say Pedophind was the next thing in social networking, but that would be an insult towards the lightning speed at which this baby is gonna hit.
I know what you're thinking--I don't know if I believe this man, but goddamn do I hope it's true. Well, why tell you when I can show you? And if you're gonna stand for a product you believe in, you're not gonna use no phoney actors, neither. We'll do me!
This, is my Facebook page:
(Click to enlarge any and all photographs)
Now, let's go ahead and hover just to the left of the Facebook logo on the top left corner of the screen. A kind of shittily cut and pasted P will appear.
Using our innovative dysonphontical nuzecahngraphalite triangulation, we probably won't find anything cool, but let's go ahead and click on that P anyway.
Every one of those colorful squares is my friend now! And they all live close to me! Pedophind combines the modern convenience of a digital friendship with the physical ramifications of a "real" one.
Remember that Facebook page you saw? Let's take a look at it now...
All of that just by clicking the P! Who wants to try to make friends? We do all the work for you! We can't post pictures of your daughters or yourselves in two-piece bikinis, but we're pretty sure you're going to do that yourselves.
Pedophind--We Put Their ______ In Your _______
(Disclaimer: We're still working on the catchphrase. The board is split between "Trust" and "Hands" or "Dicks" and "Mouth")
P.S.
Today's easy joke was just to see if you were paying attention. Coming later today, FFGP2's third annual NBA Finals preview! Stay tuned!
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