Are You Ready For The Madness?

Welcome to the FFGP2 Active, Backup Quarterback December Madness! Nice ring, eh? This grueling tournament works in a similar fashion to the NCAA March Madness, except there are 56 "teams" instead of 65. And of course the reward of victory is much greater.

To qualify, you must be an active quarterback (who doesn't start right now) on an NFL team. If you started earlier in the season but now find yourself benched because of ineffectiveness, your team's starter came back from injury, or because Raheem Morris clearly doesn't know what he's doing with his quarterback-by-committee rotation, you will find yourself on this list. And yes, I understand Matt Moore starts right now, but the immortal Delhomme may return to practice this week, so Moore comes here. I have also left out strictly Wildcat quarterbacks who only play a few snaps a game, such as Pat White and Michael Vick, as well as players on injured reserve. (Sorry, Sorgi)

Let the madness begin.

SCOTT ZOLAK DIVISION - Colburn, Idaho

(1) JaMarcus Russell - OAK vs. (14) Brian St. Pierre - ARI

(2) Tavaris Jackson - MIN vs. (13) Caleb Hanie - CHI

(3) David Carr - NYG vs. (12) Mike Reilly - STL

(4) Kevin Kolb - PHI vs. (11) Stephen McGee - DAL

(5) Mark Brunell - NO vs. (10) Curtis Painter - IND

(6) Tyler Thigpen - MIA vs. (9) Brett Ratliff - CLE

(7) Josh Johnson - TB vs. (8) Kevin O'Connell - NYJ

Results: Russell massacres St. Pierre; Hanie hangs with Jackson, only for the mighty Tavaris to pull away in the final minutes; Carr soundly defeats Reilly; McGee upsets Kolb with a brilliant "slow-it-down" gameplan; Brunell uses veteran savviness to get by Painter; Thigpen trumps Ratliff; O'Connell squeaks by Johnson.

(1) Russell, (2) Jackson, (3) Carr, (5) Brunell, (6) Thigpen, (8) O'Connell, (11) McGee

DAVE KRIEG DIVISION - Gandeeville, West Virginia

(1) Derek Anderson - CLE vs. (14) John Parker Wilson - ATL

(2) Rex Grossman - HOU vs. (13) Matt Gutierrez - KC

(3) Kerry Collins - TEN vs. (12) Keith Null - STL

(4) Trent Edwards - BUF vs. (11) Brian Hoyer - NE

(5) Charlie Frye - OAK vs. (10) Jordan Palmer - CIN

(6) Chris Simms - DEN vs. (9) J.T. O'Sullivan - CIN

(7) Luke McCown - JAC vs. (8) Brodie Croyle - KC

Results: Anderson defeats the serial killer in a surprisingly hard-fought battle; Grossman shows Gutierrez the meaning of the word "pain"; Collins gleefully stomps Null; Edwards goes to OT to defeat young upstart Hoyer; Palmer whips a helpless Frye; O'Sullivan methodically carves up Simms; McCown is the last one standing in a particularly brutal matchup with Croyle.

(1) Anderson, (2) Grossman, (3) Collins, (4) Edwards, (7) McCown, (9) O'Sullivan, (10) Palmer

STEVE STENSTROM DIVISION - Dubbs, Mississippi

(1) Kyle Boller - STL vs. (14) Mike Teel - SEA

(2) Sage Rosenfels - MIN vs. (13) Tom Brandstater - DEN

(3) Jon Kitna - DAL vs. (12) Matt Flynn - GB

(4) A.J. Feeley - CAR vs. (11) John Beck - BAL

(5) Shaun Hill - SF vs. (10) Charlie Whitehurst - SD

(6) Chris Redman - ATL vs. (9) Brian Brohm - BUF

(7) Dennis Dixon - PIT vs. (8) Todd Collins - WAS

Results: Boller dissects Teel like a surgeon; down goes Rosenfels! Brandstater could not be contained!; Kitna handles Flynn; Feeley humiliates Beck; Hill devours Whitehurst; Brohm upends Redman; Dixon scrapes by Collins.

(1) Boller, (3) Kitna, (4) Feeley, (5) Hill, (7) Dixon, (9) Brohm, (13) Brandstater

STAN GELBAUGH DIVISION - Marengo, Wisconsin

(1) Dan Orlovsky - HOU vs. (14) Richard Bartel - WAS

(2) Daunte Culpepper - DET vs. (13) Rudy Carpenter - TB

(3) Billy Volek - SD vs. (12) Nate Davis - SF

(4) Seneca Wallace - SEA vs. (11) Erik Ainge - NYJ

(5) Matt Leinart - ARI vs. (10) Drew Stanton - DET

(6) Matt Moore - CAR vs. (9) Troy Smith - BAL

(7) Charlie Batch - PIT vs. (8) Kellen Clemens - NYJ

Results: Orlovsky dismantles Bartel; Carpenter retires mid-match against Culpepper; Volek defeats Davis in a shootout; Ainge beats Wallace at the buzzer; Stanton kept coming and coming until Leinart shriveled; Smith hands Moore a loss; Batch teaches Clemens a thing or two.

(1) Orlovsky, (2) Culpepper, (3) Volek, (7) Batch, (9) Smith, (10) Stanton, (11) Ainge


Coming tomorrow...

THE TITILLATING TWENTY-EIGHT

Ho Ho 13-And-O (Sports Section Selected Title)

Indianapolis Colts coach Jim Caldwell, seen here teaching three-time MVP Peyton Manning the invaluable "make your khakis hug the outline of your dick" offensive formation.

Yes! Yes! Yes! The starters are playing!

Anyone else already seeing the Polian "hey, we said they would play. Is the first drive of the game not playing?" loophole? The "hey, winning every single game was never one of our goals when we broke camp" rhetoric? Let's hope not. This is absolutely the right thing to do for this team, this season.

Go for it.

THE PHOTO SHOOT OF PRESIDENT ZACHARY TAYLOR, HIS VICE PRESIDENT MILLARD FILLMORE, AND SOON-TO-DIE JOHN C. CALHOUN

Photographer

Mr. Fucking President! Talk about a portrait! Very, very distinguished, sir. The tie? The buttons? Sure, those were expected. But the stern, thoughtful window into your soul?

Zachary Taylor

Thank you, young man. That's awfully kind. It's a beautiful photograph.

Photographer

The definition of elegance, Mr. President.

Photographer's Assistant

I believe Vice President Fillmore is next.

Photographer

Watch out, puss-say! It's Mil-lard Fill-more!

Millard Fillmore

(Laughing) Cut it out, now. You for real?

Photographer

I have to put half my body under sweltering black tarp in order to shoot this ever so crude photograph. Why would I lie?

Millard Fillmore

Yeah? The ladies gonna like that I'm sitting down?

Photographer's Assistant

I believe, um, former Vice President John C. Calhoun is next.

Photographer

Hole-lee shit. Alright, well...um...say, John? What do you say we go ahead and do that one again? Just totally start over! Now, if you'd just clasp your hands...

John C. Calhoun

What? Why? That's a fantastically realistic portrait of me.

Photographer
An artist's eyes are required to catch this fatal flaw, I'm afraid.

John C. Calhoun
Sitting still there was a very tiresome process, one I would rather not endure again...

Photographer
No, no. I...you know, the...the background's shit. You know? It's shit. It's like, totally fucking... splotchy black. Who wants splotchy black? Powerful black, more like it! And what do you say to that "look directly at the camera" thing we talked about?

John C. Calhoun
I know. It's just Zach tried the "slightly down and to the right" thing. Thought I'd throw my own little thing in there. Calhounize it a little, you know?

Photographer
Sure thing. Your left eye certainly is down and to the left. Cool if I leave this one out of my portfolio?

THE "WOW, AT WHAT LIBRARY DO YOU TYPE THIS AT?" CONVERSATION OF THE NIGHT

Woman On Facebook, Who's Been On Her Phone Three Times

Hey, how do you spell Lindsay? Like the boy's name?

Unbelievably Stupid Woman Breathing Distractingly Loud Through Her Nose Sitting Right Next To Me, Unaware I'm Typing About Her This Very Second, On Internet Fishing Game

Shit, I don't know. I quit keepin' track of shit like that! Who cares? (Laughing)

Woman On Facebook, Who's Been On Her Phone Three Times

(Laughing) I know!

YET ANOTHER FORMAL APOLOGY

Sorry, not a lot of time today, and certainly not a lot of sports. I'm a creature of habit on Sundays, and my stupid superstitions were interrupted, but will be back in full force Thursday night.

Like you didn't prefer reading about 19th century photography.

(At this point, I had saved and published the blog. Then I heard this...)

Woman On Facebook, Who's Been On Her Phone Three Times

You have kids?

Unbelievably Stupid Woman Breathing Distractingly Loud Through Her Nose Sitting Right Next To Me, Unaware I'm Typing About Her This Very Second, On Internet Fishing Game

(EXTREMELY put-off sigh) Yeah. I been pregnant five times. I tell you what, they ain't nothin' but a pain in the ass.

Say it with me now: Hooray for the human race!

Pt. 1

On This Day In Sports History...

When: The early 1930's MLB Winter Meetings in French Lick, IN

Luckily, FFGP2 had a futuristic recording device in MLB commissioner Kenesaw Mountain Landis's private booth during the meetings, capturing the historic moment on tape. The following is the transcript of said recording:

Kenesaw Mountain Landis: Can someone remind me again why the fuck we're in French Lick, Indiana? Who's idea was it to come here? Maclin, was it yours? Was it your preposterous idea? I could piss on this idea.

Maclin: Here, here. It was certainly my idea, and a grand one at that.

Landis: Care to extrapolate on that one there, Mac? Just a little? I had never heard of this backwater, inbred place before. Barely heard of Indianapolis!

MacArthur: I say, isn't French Lick the home of Larry Bird?

Landis: Yeah, Mac-fucking-Arthur! But this is the early '30s!

(Brief pause - a maid drops a pan in the background)

MacArthur: Not following.

Landis: Bird's not alive yet, you fucking loser!

Did this mother fucker just say French Lick?

MacArthur: Oh. Of course.

Unknown Voice: There's a casino in French Lick! And a Springs Resort! And...

Landis: Did you look up French Lick on the internet? You can't do that! It's the 1930's, remember? You can't fucking do that! Oh, God! We're stuck here! Are we not stuck here?

Unknown Voice: Well I'll-be-damned. Well I'll-be-good-goddamned. Say, Kenny...what the hell are we doing in French Lick, Indiana?

I KNOW this mother fucker did NOT just say French Lick.

Maclin: Ah, take it easy there, KML. It's not so bad. We're only here for a few weeks. Surely there's time to backgammon, or go horseback riding, perhaps catch a gangster film.

Unknown Voice: I've heard the women here give mouth AND cunny for a dime! Throw in a couple pennies and they'll shine your shoes!

Landis: Yeah, I've heard that, too. It doesn't change the fact that you've all let me down. Remember? Last year? I said somewhere warm. Somewhere south. Somewhere I could locate on a map, even a map of Indiana.

He did! That mother fucker DID just say French Lick!

Landis: (Apparently on the phone) Landis speaking.

Hi, honey. Yes, I'm here.

At the winter baseball meetings.

French Lick.

No. French Lick, Indiana.

I swear it's a true place. It's south of...

Honey, I swear I'm not seeing her again! I tell you, I'm in French Lick, Indiana! Mac...

Maclin, will you please tell her we're in French Lick, Indiana?

What do you mean Maclin was having sex with the same prostitute, so why would he tell the truth? I'm telling...

Honey, it's a real place! Get out the map!

Please don't call the lawyer! I'm not chasing skirts, honey! Honest!

(Camera pans up)

FRENNNNNNNNNNNNNNCH LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICK!!!!!!!

Undercovering The Overcoveraged

Are you guys watching the same ridiculous movie I am? You know, the one where the tennis player and the golfer are the most talked-about, controversial athletes of the year? I know, right! Like anybody's gonna believe that!

Really? This is where we've come to? A sex-addicted golfer and meth-head tennis player? Is this the intro to Sportscenter or a lazy SNL skit written by Finesse Mitchell?

And if we've learned anything about sports in 2008-2009, isn't it that drugs don't hinder your performance at all?

1. Michael Phelps (Swimming) - Marijuana - 8 Gold Medals

2. Tim Lincecum (Baseball) - Marijuana - 2 NL Cy Youngs

3. Andre Agassi (Tennis) - Crystal Meth - 60 Career Titles

4. Tiger Woods (Golf) - Sex on Ambien - 14 Major Titles

5. Allegedly 80% of the NBA (Basketball) - Marijuana - 62 NBA Championships

6. Grady Sizemore (Baseball) - Semen - Loose Rectum

One is a joke. A sad, depressing joke.

(Of course the joke is that while Agassi was on meth, he was a terrible tennis player. Therefore, he doesn't count.)

So start giving those little-leaguers pot, parents! Teach those tykes how to fuck on Ambien! They'll make you millions!

And are we really that surprised at Tiger? If you looked like this in 1994 and had no money, compared to this in 2009 with a billion dollars, you don't think your ass roster would improve significantly? He's the kid that got picked on his whole life, then could suddenly point at three beautiful women, saying, "You, you, aaaaaaand you" and they'd follow him to the clubhouse bathroom. I'm not defending it, but it's easy for a person to judge what's right and wrong when they'll NEVER be in Tiger's situation.

And do we really need the 911 call from "we don't know, it's either Elin or her sister" to lead Sportscenter? Do we REALLY need the footage of Tiger's mother-in-law on a stretcher being wheeled out of the ambulance into the hospital? For stomach pains?

You know when the best part of this whole thing was? Right after the accident. A friend and I sent emails back and forth, speculating on what really happened. That was the best part because you knew once the stories got out, ESPN and TMZ wouldn't shut the hell up about it. Imagining a little more is always better than getting too much.

I'm sorry to waste your time with yet another Tiger story, it's just over the top and annoying. But of course I'll keep looking at the pictures.

And now, a new segment called...
PEOPLE ARE TALKING
(Unreal conversations I have encountered in the past week)

Colt Fan #1

I'm kinda worried. Are you?

Colt Fan #2

Yeah, I'm pretty worried. Tennessee's played pretty good lately.

Colt Fan #1

What are you are on The Worried Scale?

Colt Fan #2

Probably about a six and a half.

Colt Fan #1

Out of ten?

Colt Fan #2

Out of seven.

Colt Fan #1
Oh, OK! I was gonna say, "That's not very worried!"


Who goes to seven? Does anyone reading this rank from 1-7? On anything?


LORD OF THE DANCE

Woman

Yeah, I've got a private lunch in (NAME WITHELD)'s office at 1 pm. Maybe I could tapdance for him? It is a bit of a holiday party.

Man

I can tap. Pretty good, actually. Classically trained.

Woman

Yeah? Can you tap to any Christmas songs?

Man

I only know around 450-500 songs, but actually, like, 90% of them are Christmas songs.

Woman

Wow! No kidding? Would you want to join me on something?

Man

Sure! What songs did you have in mind?

Woman

Well, maybe, like, "Little Drummer Boy"?

Man

(The "No, I don't know that one" face)

Woman

OK. How about, um, "Jingle Bells"?

Man
(Nervous giggling)

Sorry.

Woman

"Jingle Bell Rock"?

Man

I have to be honest, most of the Christmas songs I know aren't traditional American Christmas songs. They're German Christmas songs.

Woman

Like "O Tanenbaum"?

Man

("No, I don't know that one" face)

And that was all I heard.



QUOTES OF THE WEEK

"Ever since I quit drinkin' 12 years ago, I started doin' crossword puzzles." ~ Minnesota Vikings quarterback Brett Favre, to Cris Collinsworth, completely taken out of context.

"BUHHHHHHLLLL-SHIT! BUHHHHHHLLLL-SHIT!" ~ The classiest fan in the history of sport. The Bullshit Guy, man who starts the "Bullshit" chant towards the officials in a packed stadium full of children, as well as people that most certainly do not share, nor come close to sharing, his sensibilities.

"If I play for the Giants, or if I play for Buffalo, or if I play for anybody, my hatred for the Cowboys will remain the same because as a kid I just never liked the Cowboys. No one ever did anything to me. It's just that I took the team that a lot of people loved and that was the one I disliked."

"I'm not a fan of Tony Romo. I don't think he's that good a passer, to be honest with you."

"I hate the Cowboys with a bloody passion."

~ all by New York Giants running back Brandon Jacobs

"My girl cheated on me. I don't care about the past, I care about the present. I don't care who she's been with, she's with ME now!" ~ Guy talking out loud in the library, who's already suffered two nosebleeds in the last fifteen minutes


"Now it is YOU who gets FUCKED!" ~ My old neighbor (in a fit of rage) on the phone with his girlfriend, overheard through my window. Sorry, just reminded me of it. Hi-fucking-larious.


NO ASSEMBLY REQUIRED


Ok, come on now. That's not fair. The millions (and millions) of loyal followers deserve better. They come here expecting more.



Oh, please. That's hardly any better. You took yesterday off after promising one NBA coach a week. Don't you feel lazy? Deceitful?

There you go.

Mark Schlereth, Swami

Sure, I woke up a little nervous Sunday morning. After all, the Colts hadn't played well as of late (we were told) and the Titans were hotter than Sally Field in Mrs. Doubtfire (No one else? Just me?). On top of that, it was a division game, so the cliche says you throw all logic out the window.

Then something happened. Chris Berman and the Sunday NFL Countdown gang (which reminds me of a mid-90's corporate "soul" group) introduced Martina McBride to sing a song about how the Titans were going to beat the Colts. I can't find the video anywhere, nor the lyrics, and for good reason. The lyrics were cheesy guff about how Manning was real good, but wouldn't be good enough to win the game, like a child wrote the song and didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings.

As soon as the segment ended (with Berman raving about the song, complete with under-the-table-flogging, saying it would be a hit in Nashville if the Titans pulled out the W), I let out an exhale of relief. For it was at that moment I knew the Colts would surely win by two scores. Karma, just like victory, never has Martina McBride on her side.

Everybody ready for panels and panels of "experts" to pick the Broncos to win in Indy this weekend?

One of the main reasons I started this website (other than to vigorously stroke my ego, the far-and-away number one reason) was to prove how random sports really are. People watch them, bet on them, study them, etc., so naturally, they become "experts" on them. Guess what? You'll never become an expert on sports. Ever.

Take the NBA. The Dallas Mavericks (a perennial "good enough to make the second round of the playoffs" team) in the last four weeks have beaten San Antonio, Houston (by 31), and a bunch of bad teams. Makes sense, right? Sure, until you factor in losses to dreadful Golden State, Cleveland (a respectable loss), and a pathetic trouncing at the hands of putrid Memphis (by 17). There's just no rhyme or reason to that league. None. The great teams will win, and normally beat the teams they're supposed to, but other than that, night in and night out, it's a free-for-all.

Now the NFL. During New England's 2001-2004 dominant stretch, I remember "experts" constantly picking every other team to win the AFC East. Everybody wanted to be The Man who predicted the Patriot downfall (Mark Schlereth is the king of trying to be The Man), whether it was in overall standings or on a game-by-game basis. It got annoying, even as a Colt fan. "Why aren't they picking the Pats? Of course they're going to win," I'd think.

Same thing has happened to the Colts as of late. Do you remember all the pundits' AFC South preseason predictions this season? Or the past five years? The Texans are so sexy! The Jaguars have all the pieces this year! The Titans are going to run away with it! In no other job I know of can you be wrong (only on national television or print, though, so small potatoes) so many times, over and over again, and face no repercussions. It's remarkable.

Go ahead, guys. Keep picking the never-been-to-the-playoffs Texans to win the division. Lord knows my Sacramento Kings pick could use a little shine.

THE "YOU KNOW HOW STUPID THOSE FORWARDED EMAILS ARE WITH PETITIONS? THE ONES THAT DON'T MATTER IN THE SLIGHTEST IN THE LONG RUN? LET'S START ONE OF OUR OWN: NBA COACHES MUST WEAR TEAM UNIFORMS ON THE SIDELINES."

Every day this week will be a new coach.

FFG, we runnin' this blog shit.

Immaturity! Read All About It!

It's Week 14 again, so obviously we're due for another edition of...

WHAT WE KNOW ABOUT THE NFL!

We know that...

Bruce Gradkowski threw for more touchdowns (3) in the fourth quarter against the defending Super Bowl Champions (in a WIN, on THEIR field) than JaMarcus Russell has all year long (2)

Dolphins coach Tony Sparano scouted a Bill Belichick defense for an entire week and, with a straight face, drew up a gameplan where Chad Henne would throw the ball 52 times...and it worked

Vikings coach Brad Childress decided to let a 40-year old arm throw the ball 45 times, while his 24-year old running back (in the absolute peak of physical perfection) should only carry the ball 13 times against Arizona...and it didn't work

Norv Turner can't cover a 13.5 point spread against the Browns, even when spotted a 27-7 lead at the beginning of the fourth quarter (more on him in a second)

People that live in Kansas City have to watch the Chiefs and Royals, which is the equivalent of getting your shirt caught in a conveyor belt machine, leaving you seconds to choose between severing your arm at the wrist or elbow to escape

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers saw Jake Delhomme was out, had to immediately think, "Wait, so you mean someone that's even worse than him is going to start? AND DeAngelo Williams is going to be out?" and still lost the game

Eric Mangini, Tom Cable, Jim Zorn, and The Kubester are all DEFINITELY fired the second their team's season is done, unless some dumb owner gets sucked in by late season improvement (in Cable and Zorn's situation)

Wade Phillips and Norv Turner are fired if they don't right the ship in the later months and playoffs

And the Colts won again.

It's always nice to have a constant, right?

HOW TO TELL TOM COUGHLIN YOU KNOCKED HIS DAUGHTER UP

So...um, Tom. Well, you know how your daughter and I have been seeing each other for a couple months now?

Yeah, well...well, you see...listen, I know I'm not all that financially responsible right now. But I have ideas. Big ideas. And your daughter fits in with those ideas, especially now...because...well...

Well, you have a beautiful daughter, Mr. Coughlin. Just beautiful. And, well...jeez...well, do you remember when we went to go see THE BLIND SIDE at the drive-in? I think it was...yeah, it was last Thursday night. Ring a bell? Do you remember that? I think you were doing your X's and O's thing...

Well, you know...I kinda sorta...um...man, that Wade Phillips sure is one fat faggot, huh?

REX GROSSMAN'S CAREER SUMMED UP BY A BOX SCORE

(Sorry it's not straighter. My excitement was off the charts.)

SPEAKING OF HILARIOUS BOX SCORES...

Why is no one making a bigger deal about John Kasay's 97-yard field goal?

THE MOST AWKWARD COMMERCIAL TO FILM IN COMMERCIAL FILMING HISTORY

Jared: Hey, guys! Wanna go get a drink after this?

Michael Strahan and Justin Tuck: Nah, Jared. Just make sure our Subway checks get delivered to our house, alright?

ANYONE ELSE?

Think this happens 80 times every time the Colts and Titans play? As Dan pointed out, it seems like the Colts lose their players in practice all the time, while the Titans save their injuries for games against us.

Fire your trainers, for God's sake. It's been ridiculous for six years.

WHAT'S GOING ON IN THIS PICTURE?

A. Brett Favre is reading Sage Rosenfels and Tavaris Jackson "The Night Before Christmas", only because they studied extra-hard in the film room this week

B. Brett Favre is sorting through the game program, trying to find "2" and "7" under "Minnesota" so he can properly address the two men beside him wearing jerseys by their Christian names

C. Brett Favre is searching the menu for which of the pictured toys is included with this week's Big Kid's Meal, ultimately deciding what the other two will eat

D. Sage Rosenfels and Tavaris Jackson, two NFL quarterbacks currently with the Minnesota Vikings, are hanging out with some guy

IMMATURE FUN WITH PAINT

GROW UP, COLLINSWORTH

SHHHH, YOU'LL WAKE JAMES BROWN

HEY, YOU WOKE HIM!