Don't Take This Seriously. I Don't Want The Cops Coming To My House.

I would say something along the lines of "Wow! Those guys have to quit doing that to us!", or "I don't know if my heart can take this team!", but then again, what's the alternative? Lose to Lord Overthrow, David Garrard? Get stuck on unlucky 13 again? Finish 13-3 after starting 13-0? I'll take the piss-in-my-bloodstream blood pressure, thank you very much. Ask a Tampa fan if they would take these cardio exercises every week.

So, are the 2009 Colts destined for immortality? Well, let's define immortality:

Let's say the Colts go 16-0 only to nosedive in the first round of the playoffs. First of all, don't expect a post the next day if that happens. If that nightmare scenario does come true, the only thing you should expect from FFGP2 is me on the east side of downtown, purchasing every ounce of hard drug I can find, mixing them in a blender, and injecting the liquid death into my neck while freefalling from the top of the Chase Tower. No, really. The police are going to question you, and you'll have a stupid face, saying, "Well, I mean, he did put on his website that he was going to do that exact thing, down to the rusty syringe in his neck, but, I don't know, I thought he was joking! He even put what I would say to you right now, this second. I thought it was a goof!" The badge, not to mention my family, will be very disappointed in your inactivity.

Now let's say the Colts go 16-0 only to nosedive in the AFC Championship Game. If it's to San Diego (again), go ahead and re-run what I just typed. Yep, the thing right up above.

Now let's say they get to 18-0 and lose in the Super Bowl. Big deal, right? That's been done before. No immortalilty there. Hell, if that were to happen again, maybe that would be the new trend in the league: win all of your games except the one that matters most. Maybe a team could do it every three years! And all the joy in watching New England lose that way? Yeah, that would...um...that would all be on us. Not good times. You know what? Let's go ahead and throw The Overdose Leap on this one, too.

Which leaves The Big One: run the table and win the Super Bowl. Sure, sport historians may argue down the road the league was weak this year, with too many shitty teams to count. Maybe that's the real reason we still have two unbeatens heading into Christmas. But you know what? It won't take away the fact that they did it, and it definitely won't take away the glee of shutting Mercury Morris the hell up. This isn't naive college, where a coach gets busted cheating, so the NCAA's response is, "Hey! The punishment? The punishment is...well...those games never happened! Yeah, that's it! We'll say you were never even IN the Final Four!" The trophy would be real, as would my memories when I'm 89 with shit running down my leg, explaining to my grandchildren how much of a beast Robert Mathis was. But really, I don't think anyone could knock that accomplishment in the "parity is good", salary capped NFL.

That's now officially the only acceptable ending to the season: win the fucking Super Bowl. This season is gigantic for the legacy of the Manning-era Colts. If they win? Manning now has two, which is still one less than Brady, but he would have done what Tom Terrific couldn't do in running the gauntlet. In my opinion (which will be unearthed by a future civilization, carved in their version of stone, and worshipped upon), Peyton's the best ever if they win this year.

If they lose? Well, that'll be two seasons in which they started 13-0 or better and didn't win the Super Bowl. Not too many teams on that list. They'll be known as the Atlanta Braves of the 00's, a team that was in it every single year, but every single year (except one) ended in playoff disappointment.

I can't stress enough how important the next month is. What I CAN do is stress other people out with my perpetual pessimism about a 14-0 football team!

P.S.
Peyton and the offense gets a ton of credit around here (and deservedly so), but the players of the game last night were Eric Foster and...

EXHIBIT A - FFGP2, September 22, 2009

Ray Rychleski, Colts Special Teams Coach

"Ok, so Chad, you remember the gameplan for returning kicks, right? What are you gonna do again when you catch the ball?"

Chad Simpson, Colts Kickoff Return Man

"I'm gonna run right into the first group of players I see. I won't look for holes, I'll just run right into them."

Rychleski

"Correct!"

EXHIBIT B - FFGP2, November 25, 2009

"If I make a pick on here, go the other way."

EXHIBIT C - December 17, 2009

Chris Dudley Is Running For Governor. No, Really.

Mobile Addition Edition

I just walked by a man on his computer chatting to a girl whose profile photo was just her gaping vagina and asshole. Truly eye-opening.

Awards Wednesday

Time is bizarre in sports world.

In seventh grade, my friend Andy and I snatched up Kobe Bryant's first signature shoe (via Adidas; I went black model) and loved the shit out of drawing the goofy foot-face mascot rubber keychain that went along with it.

Then this happened:

Approximately nine seconds after Kobe set the trophy from this contest down, I left the mall wearing a gold #8 Los Angeles Lakers jersey, and I ain't talkin' Doug Christie.

Kobe Bryant was 18 years old.

Meanwhile in the Bronx, New York Yankees management and fans were salivating while watching their young shortstop flash the signs of a not-so-distant future's dynastic captain. Now I have never liked the Yankees, nor do I fully respect their built-in financial and locational advantage in the game, but I do respect a player who just has it. And as much as I get tired of hearing cliches tossed so violently they resemble Taylor Lautner's salad, this two-year veteran just had it.

Derek Jeter was 23 years old.

"No, Derek, I swear. As your agent, I'm telling you, just shoot this stupid cover story with him and you can stop pretending to be his friend. This is a one-time thing. What did you think, you'd have to pretend to be his friend 12 years from now or something?"

Now? In the last month of the last year of the 2000's, Derek Jeter is 35 years old and Kobe Bryant 31. Derek Jeter is 35 years old and Kobe Bryant is 31! Both are coming off championship seasons, in which both were legitimate regular season MVP finalists. And above all else, both are the unquestioned leaders of two of the most storied franchises in the history of professional sport.

Look at them there. Kobe hasn't filled in physically, and is trying so hard (deservedly so, he's eighteen years old) to look as cool as fucking possible. But you can still see Kobe 31: 2009 Remix in there a little. To all you boozers out there, take a drink every time Kobe licks his lips during a game or postgame interview. Actually don't. Alcohol poisoning is a very serious issue, and even John Daly's friends would speed away after dumping his liquor-riddled body at a hospital due to the merciless beating that game would inflict.

Jeter has some babyfat in the face, and his fade was already Hall of Fame-caliber. But can't you still see that kid who enjoys New York (and her night-life) and loves to play the game of baseball, even now in 2009 Engaged Derek Jeter? (By the way, anytime Derek Jeter's passion is mentioned, you can't just say "baseball". You have to say "the game of baseball". Blogger notified me of this glaring error when I attempted to publish the post.)

So here's to Kobe Bryant and Derek Jeter, FFGP2's "Athletes of 2009 Who Have Been Playing At A Remarkably High Level Since I Was In Seventh Grade".

THE TANTALIZING, TITILLATING TWENTY-EIGHT

...is coming later this week or early next. Recent developments in Oakland (Charlie Frye! Starting again! Over JaMarcus Russell!) have been woven into the fabric of this prestigious event, and therefore must be carefully examined. Kind of like how the NHL takes some time off in the middle of the season for the Olympic Winter Games.

Are You Ready For The Madness?

Welcome to the FFGP2 Active, Backup Quarterback December Madness! Nice ring, eh? This grueling tournament works in a similar fashion to the NCAA March Madness, except there are 56 "teams" instead of 65. And of course the reward of victory is much greater.

To qualify, you must be an active quarterback (who doesn't start right now) on an NFL team. If you started earlier in the season but now find yourself benched because of ineffectiveness, your team's starter came back from injury, or because Raheem Morris clearly doesn't know what he's doing with his quarterback-by-committee rotation, you will find yourself on this list. And yes, I understand Matt Moore starts right now, but the immortal Delhomme may return to practice this week, so Moore comes here. I have also left out strictly Wildcat quarterbacks who only play a few snaps a game, such as Pat White and Michael Vick, as well as players on injured reserve. (Sorry, Sorgi)

Let the madness begin.

SCOTT ZOLAK DIVISION - Colburn, Idaho

(1) JaMarcus Russell - OAK vs. (14) Brian St. Pierre - ARI

(2) Tavaris Jackson - MIN vs. (13) Caleb Hanie - CHI

(3) David Carr - NYG vs. (12) Mike Reilly - STL

(4) Kevin Kolb - PHI vs. (11) Stephen McGee - DAL

(5) Mark Brunell - NO vs. (10) Curtis Painter - IND

(6) Tyler Thigpen - MIA vs. (9) Brett Ratliff - CLE

(7) Josh Johnson - TB vs. (8) Kevin O'Connell - NYJ

Results: Russell massacres St. Pierre; Hanie hangs with Jackson, only for the mighty Tavaris to pull away in the final minutes; Carr soundly defeats Reilly; McGee upsets Kolb with a brilliant "slow-it-down" gameplan; Brunell uses veteran savviness to get by Painter; Thigpen trumps Ratliff; O'Connell squeaks by Johnson.

(1) Russell, (2) Jackson, (3) Carr, (5) Brunell, (6) Thigpen, (8) O'Connell, (11) McGee

DAVE KRIEG DIVISION - Gandeeville, West Virginia

(1) Derek Anderson - CLE vs. (14) John Parker Wilson - ATL

(2) Rex Grossman - HOU vs. (13) Matt Gutierrez - KC

(3) Kerry Collins - TEN vs. (12) Keith Null - STL

(4) Trent Edwards - BUF vs. (11) Brian Hoyer - NE

(5) Charlie Frye - OAK vs. (10) Jordan Palmer - CIN

(6) Chris Simms - DEN vs. (9) J.T. O'Sullivan - CIN

(7) Luke McCown - JAC vs. (8) Brodie Croyle - KC

Results: Anderson defeats the serial killer in a surprisingly hard-fought battle; Grossman shows Gutierrez the meaning of the word "pain"; Collins gleefully stomps Null; Edwards goes to OT to defeat young upstart Hoyer; Palmer whips a helpless Frye; O'Sullivan methodically carves up Simms; McCown is the last one standing in a particularly brutal matchup with Croyle.

(1) Anderson, (2) Grossman, (3) Collins, (4) Edwards, (7) McCown, (9) O'Sullivan, (10) Palmer

STEVE STENSTROM DIVISION - Dubbs, Mississippi

(1) Kyle Boller - STL vs. (14) Mike Teel - SEA

(2) Sage Rosenfels - MIN vs. (13) Tom Brandstater - DEN

(3) Jon Kitna - DAL vs. (12) Matt Flynn - GB

(4) A.J. Feeley - CAR vs. (11) John Beck - BAL

(5) Shaun Hill - SF vs. (10) Charlie Whitehurst - SD

(6) Chris Redman - ATL vs. (9) Brian Brohm - BUF

(7) Dennis Dixon - PIT vs. (8) Todd Collins - WAS

Results: Boller dissects Teel like a surgeon; down goes Rosenfels! Brandstater could not be contained!; Kitna handles Flynn; Feeley humiliates Beck; Hill devours Whitehurst; Brohm upends Redman; Dixon scrapes by Collins.

(1) Boller, (3) Kitna, (4) Feeley, (5) Hill, (7) Dixon, (9) Brohm, (13) Brandstater

STAN GELBAUGH DIVISION - Marengo, Wisconsin

(1) Dan Orlovsky - HOU vs. (14) Richard Bartel - WAS

(2) Daunte Culpepper - DET vs. (13) Rudy Carpenter - TB

(3) Billy Volek - SD vs. (12) Nate Davis - SF

(4) Seneca Wallace - SEA vs. (11) Erik Ainge - NYJ

(5) Matt Leinart - ARI vs. (10) Drew Stanton - DET

(6) Matt Moore - CAR vs. (9) Troy Smith - BAL

(7) Charlie Batch - PIT vs. (8) Kellen Clemens - NYJ

Results: Orlovsky dismantles Bartel; Carpenter retires mid-match against Culpepper; Volek defeats Davis in a shootout; Ainge beats Wallace at the buzzer; Stanton kept coming and coming until Leinart shriveled; Smith hands Moore a loss; Batch teaches Clemens a thing or two.

(1) Orlovsky, (2) Culpepper, (3) Volek, (7) Batch, (9) Smith, (10) Stanton, (11) Ainge


Coming tomorrow...

THE TITILLATING TWENTY-EIGHT

Ho Ho 13-And-O (Sports Section Selected Title)

Indianapolis Colts coach Jim Caldwell, seen here teaching three-time MVP Peyton Manning the invaluable "make your khakis hug the outline of your dick" offensive formation.

Yes! Yes! Yes! The starters are playing!

Anyone else already seeing the Polian "hey, we said they would play. Is the first drive of the game not playing?" loophole? The "hey, winning every single game was never one of our goals when we broke camp" rhetoric? Let's hope not. This is absolutely the right thing to do for this team, this season.

Go for it.

THE PHOTO SHOOT OF PRESIDENT ZACHARY TAYLOR, HIS VICE PRESIDENT MILLARD FILLMORE, AND SOON-TO-DIE JOHN C. CALHOUN

Photographer

Mr. Fucking President! Talk about a portrait! Very, very distinguished, sir. The tie? The buttons? Sure, those were expected. But the stern, thoughtful window into your soul?

Zachary Taylor

Thank you, young man. That's awfully kind. It's a beautiful photograph.

Photographer

The definition of elegance, Mr. President.

Photographer's Assistant

I believe Vice President Fillmore is next.

Photographer

Watch out, puss-say! It's Mil-lard Fill-more!

Millard Fillmore

(Laughing) Cut it out, now. You for real?

Photographer

I have to put half my body under sweltering black tarp in order to shoot this ever so crude photograph. Why would I lie?

Millard Fillmore

Yeah? The ladies gonna like that I'm sitting down?

Photographer's Assistant

I believe, um, former Vice President John C. Calhoun is next.

Photographer

Hole-lee shit. Alright, well...um...say, John? What do you say we go ahead and do that one again? Just totally start over! Now, if you'd just clasp your hands...

John C. Calhoun

What? Why? That's a fantastically realistic portrait of me.

Photographer
An artist's eyes are required to catch this fatal flaw, I'm afraid.

John C. Calhoun
Sitting still there was a very tiresome process, one I would rather not endure again...

Photographer
No, no. I...you know, the...the background's shit. You know? It's shit. It's like, totally fucking... splotchy black. Who wants splotchy black? Powerful black, more like it! And what do you say to that "look directly at the camera" thing we talked about?

John C. Calhoun
I know. It's just Zach tried the "slightly down and to the right" thing. Thought I'd throw my own little thing in there. Calhounize it a little, you know?

Photographer
Sure thing. Your left eye certainly is down and to the left. Cool if I leave this one out of my portfolio?

THE "WOW, AT WHAT LIBRARY DO YOU TYPE THIS AT?" CONVERSATION OF THE NIGHT

Woman On Facebook, Who's Been On Her Phone Three Times

Hey, how do you spell Lindsay? Like the boy's name?

Unbelievably Stupid Woman Breathing Distractingly Loud Through Her Nose Sitting Right Next To Me, Unaware I'm Typing About Her This Very Second, On Internet Fishing Game

Shit, I don't know. I quit keepin' track of shit like that! Who cares? (Laughing)

Woman On Facebook, Who's Been On Her Phone Three Times

(Laughing) I know!

YET ANOTHER FORMAL APOLOGY

Sorry, not a lot of time today, and certainly not a lot of sports. I'm a creature of habit on Sundays, and my stupid superstitions were interrupted, but will be back in full force Thursday night.

Like you didn't prefer reading about 19th century photography.

(At this point, I had saved and published the blog. Then I heard this...)

Woman On Facebook, Who's Been On Her Phone Three Times

You have kids?

Unbelievably Stupid Woman Breathing Distractingly Loud Through Her Nose Sitting Right Next To Me, Unaware I'm Typing About Her This Very Second, On Internet Fishing Game

(EXTREMELY put-off sigh) Yeah. I been pregnant five times. I tell you what, they ain't nothin' but a pain in the ass.

Say it with me now: Hooray for the human race!

Pt. 1