You ready, boys? We've suffered enough, and now? Our time has come. Civilization will look back upon the year 2010 and remember it fondly as the beginning of The Holmgren Era in Cleveland.
Without further ado, a man who certainly needs no introduction, the new president of the Cleveland Browns, Mike Holmgren.
HOLM-GREN! HOLM-GREN! HOLM-GREN! HOLM-GREN!
I've been up here for two seconds and I'm already sick of losing. How about you?
You wanna meet your coach? The man deemed by me, Czar Holmgren, as ready to lead Brown Nation to the promised land? You wanna meet him?
Yeeeeeeaaaaaahhhhhh!!!! Let's meet him! I wanna see his face! Who is it?
It's Eric Mangini!
Well, I mean, um, well I guess...I guess if the Czar says...huh.
Guess what? I shitcanned Brady Quinn! Who wants that pretty boy pussy as a backup quarterback? You wanna meet your NEW backup quarterback? Huh? Do ya?
Yeeeeeeaaaaahhhhh!!!!!
Say hello to...Seneca Wallace!
But...I thought...I thought he was the czar...I thought...we'd be getting better...I thought...
I'moh throw this bottle! I'moh throw this bottle right now!
Just tell us Derek Anderson is gone! Please! For the love of God!
Oh Lord, yes. I jettisoned that bum with every fiber in my being. I said, I said, "See that door?" I said that! So you probably want to know who's gonna start? Don't ya? Let me hear ya, Browns fans!
Yeeeeeeaaaahhhh!!!! Who is it? Who's our leader on the field? The extension of the Great Czar Holmgren?
With fresh ink on a two year deal, your starting quarterback, JAKE DELHOMME!!!
Ever wanted to sound like ESPN's Hubert Davis or Steve Lavin? Do you want random strangers at bars to ask you how your bracket is doing, and - even better - impress said serendipitous drunkards with your otherworldly knowledge and highlighted marks of bracket success? Just follow these steps!
1) ALWAYS say how tall a player is whenever you mention him. Obviously you pay attention if you know height, right?
Example: "Duke's Kyle Singler, a 6'8" forward, can play inside, he can play outside. He's gonna be really tough to handle."
What NOT To Do: "Duke's Kyle Singler can play inside or outside. He's gonna be really tough to handle."
NOTE: Another unspoken rule is also brought up here. "Inside and outside" sounds like you know your shit. Try saying it!
2) Pick all the #1 seeds to make the Final Four, then try not to laugh when ESPN or some other major sports network, publication, or website refers to you as one of their "experts".
Example: "Well, I have Kansas, Syracuse, Kentucky, and Duke advancing to the Final Four."
What NOT To Do: "Well, I have Ohio State, Syracuse, Kentucky, and Baylor advancing to the Final Four."
3) Never, under any circumstances, admit that you haven't seen one of the 64 teams' games this season.
Example: "Temple's gonna have a hard time with Cornell. Didn't you see the way they beat the fuck out of La Salle back on December 29th?"
What NOT To Do: "I've never seen Cornell play. What state do they play in again?"
Nothing says "My Childhood Glory Days" quite like playing baseball in the street in Speedway; Sega Genesis; worshipping Vinessa Shaw in Ladybugs; seemingly endless psychological, physical, and emotional abuse; and Reggie Miller.
The latter is featured in ESPN's 30 for 30 series tonight (9 PM EST, immediately following the selection show) in a fantastic documentary, Winning Time: Reggie Miller vs. The New York Knicks, directed by Dan Klores (who also directed the fabulous/heartbreaking boxing documentary Ring of Fire: The Emile Griffith Story).
How do I know Winning Time is fantastic, exactly? Well, the media got a special screening of the film February 26 at Conseco Fieldhouse with Reggie and Mr. Klores, and by the media, I mean anyone who paid $12 to get in. But, you know, it was business.
The film covers the epic "Hicks vs. Knicks" showdowns in the 1994 and 1995 NBA playoffs. Oh, the days of the NBA on NBC, and Hannah Storm somehow looking older than she does now (she's not featured in the movie, I'm just saying).
The interviews with the players are great (even Ewing and Starks, who has the film's best line in, "Did this dude just did this?") and it's even nice to see Spike Lee. And yes, you get to see what Rik Smits looks like now.
I could keep going and tell you about how funny the scenes involving Cheryl Miller are, or how I still get goosebumps when I hear Mark Boyle's call after "the witch is dead", or how flamboyant young, LA Reggie is. Just watch it.
(Random Cheryl Miller tangent: She was also at Conseco in February, and got a few cat calls and whistles when she went on stage. Anyone who did that thinks Reggie is sexy, too.)
Reggie Miller, just goofin' around.
Anyways, I had a huge shit-eating grin on my face the entire time. Dan Klores masterfully captured some of the happiest moments of my childhood, and almost, almost, got some tears from the mechanical ghost town that is my soul. It's phenomenal. Enjoy.
We are ever so close. Perhaps live FFGP2 coverage of the Pacquiao-Clottey fight? Ask and you shall receive...
(All times Eastern) 10:27 Nothing properly kicks a great night of boxing off quite like this:
I'm looking at the odds now. I can't wait to lose money tonight!
10:35 Bets to stay away from because they're the ones I did: Pacquiao in the 9th, 10th, or 11th. Feel free to stay away.
11:29
Is there anything that gets me more excited in the sports world today? It's definitely in the top five.
11:45 This is the only time in Texas history where the residents are happy to have this many Filipinos in their state.
11:50 10-9 Pacquiao. Clottey has thrown as many punches as I have so far.
11:55 Clottey threw some punches! 10-9 Pacquiao. We're at 20-18 Pac so far, for anyone who gives a shit.
11:58 10-9 Pac. Clottey's strategy is obviously to be defensive. I bet Jerry Jones is thinking, "Goddamnit, this fight sucks" right now. There's no celebrities in the audience other than old Cowboys! 30-27 Pac.
12:02 10-9 Pac. Pretty boring so far. Clotty is blocking more than Dikembe on the Hawks. 40-36 Manny.
12:06 10-9 Pac. Big shocker! Clottey is more terrified to fight than I was in middle school. I was really expecting more. Let's keep the hope alive for the 9th, 10th, and 11th! 50-45 Pac.
12:12 Clottey's strategy? Block and collect a paycheck. 10-9 Pac. 60-54 ManRam.
12:14 "Let's be creative. Let's throw some punches now." ~ Guy in Clottey's corner. No shit, man. Seven rounds too late! Alright, we're almost to crunch time. Here we go. 10-9 Pac, 70-63 Pac.
12:18 Clottey's not doing SHIT. I'm officially getting pissed. He's totally just collecting a paycheck. "You're losing every round! You're losing every damn round! Come on!" ~ Guy in Clottey's corner. No shit. 10-9 (WOW!) Pac, 80-72 Man.
12;22 This is the worst strategy I have ever seen. Ghana must really need money, because all Clottey is doing is collecting a paycheck. 10-9 Pac (I wish I could score it 10-0), 90-81 Pac.
12:26 This is officially a disgrace. Clottey is just thinking about what he's going to do with the paycheck for the fight. Go to hell, Clottey. Go to hell for everything you've done for the sport and your pride, Joshua. 10-9 Man, 100-90 Pac.
12:30 1,100 punches to 366 for Manny. This is the worst fight I've ever seen. Clottey is a pussy, and I would call him that to his face. I just burned money. 10-9 Pac, 110-99 Pac. Fuck me.
12;35 Worst fight I've ever watched. Clottey should be ashamed. I've always wondered, "What would I do if I could get millions of dollars to be in a boxing match?" It would be to do nothing but block. That's exactly what Clottey did. Shame on you, you fucking bum. Pac, 10-9. 120-108 final count, Pac. I want to kill someone right now.
12:40 I'd rather watch my parents have sex than watch a fight like that. Embarrassing.
Good Lord. It's not everyday a YouTube comment is a beacon of honest humor (let alone anything other than a space for people to claim racial supremacy, or thrown down a couple prophetic "fuck you"s), but the person who wondered aloud if the only reason Johnson got this job was because both of his names ("Jimmy" and "Johnson") are slang terms for penis should be commended.
There's also a second commercial, where Johnson is suited up as a NASCAR driver in front of a stock car. He clears up any confusion (with NASCAR driver Jimmie Johnson) by saying he's the "better looking" Jim Johnson.
I hope he got himself something real nice with the paycheck from these commercials.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"The fans are ruthless and don't deserve a winner. I will never forget getting cheered when I was injured. I know at times I wasn't great. I hope and pray I'm playing when my team comes to town and [we] roll them."
~Former Cleveland Browns quarterback Derek Anderson
Can someone look up the 2010 Florida Tuskers UFL schedule and see if the Browns are on it?
KOBE
Yep, fell asleep at the beginning of the fourth quarter last night, so I missed the Mamba's 47th game-winner of the season.
My thing is this: The Lakers shouldn't need Kobe Bryant to hit a game-winner against the Toronto Raptors. When I saw the Lakers play in Indianapolis back in January, I could see firsthand how they played down to their opponents. They should have won by 50 that night, but they didn't. Can they still win the title playing that way? Sure, because they have Kobe Bean Bryant, but it's really annoying as a basketball fan. And, of course, because of this man:
Two more random Laker thoughts:
Remember when Ron Artest could play basketball? He's fitting in with the Lakers about as well as a gay penis in a vagina.
And someone needs to grab Shannon Brown by the jersey and say, "Look, you CAN'T shoot. So stop. You're a nice complimentary bench player who has a few energizing dunks every now and then. But stop shooting, goddamnit."
The NFL is far and away the shadiest, shrewdest, what-have-you-done-for-me-lately (and on the cheap) business in sports. Let's look at some recent examples:
Player: LaDainian Tomlinson, Running Back
Team: San Diego Chargers
Tenure: Nine years
Tomlinson, perhaps the best running back of the last decade, accumulated 12,490 rushing yards (second all-time) and 153 total touchdowns (third all-time) while wearing the lightning bolt. His skills were declining in recent years, so the Norvs released him (because, you know, you can break contracts in the NFL) to save $2 million in bonuses had LT made it to March.
Player: Brian Westbrook
Team: Philadelphia Eagles
Tenure: Eight years
One of the more underappreciated stars, Westbrook was East Coast LT. His 2007 season alone is mind boggling (1,333 rushing yards, 771 receiving yards, 12 total TD's) yet he struggled to stay on the field due to injuries, and just hit the "oh shit, he's 30" running back wall. The Eagles saved $7.5 million by cutting him before next season.
After quarterbacking the Panthers to the Super Bowl in 2003, Delhomme had two straight seasons of 3,400+ passing yards and 20+ touchdowns, and led them back to the NFC title game following the 2005 season. Then...well, last season happened. The Panthers will lose $12.5 million in guaranteed money to Delhomme by cutting him.
Wait, what? You mean not only are the Panthers not saving money by cutting Jake the Mistake, they STILL have to pay him $12.5 million? They're paying him to go away?
Jake Delhomme: The man who gets paid $12.5 million to go away in a floundering economy.
***
I know athletes are constantly criticized for being selfish and overpaid, but you won't hear me complaining when guys sit out and bitch about getting a new contract. The way the NFL is set up, I'd sit out after every good season to demand more money. These running backs only play until their mid-30's (at best) and perhaps suffer the most punishment, and the second you're not producing you WILL be cut. These NFL owners are shrewd, putting the most money in the last few years of contracts, knowing they can cut players before they even make it there.
Take Adrian Peterson, for example. He's 24 years old and in peak physical condition. After three seasons and 4,484 rushing yards, AP still has two seasons left on his rookie contract. What does he have, one good contract left in him? Take the money and run, Adrian.
You ready, boys? We've suffered enough, and now? Our time has come. Civilization will look back upon the year 2010 and remember it fondly as the beginning of The Holmgren Era in Cleveland.
Without further ado, a man who certainly needs no introduction, the new president of the Cleveland Browns, Mike Holmgren.
HOLM-GREN! HOLM-GREN! HOLM-GREN! HOLM-GREN!
I've been up here for two seconds and I'm already sick of losing. How about you?
You wanna meet your coach? The man deemed by me, Czar Holmgren, as ready to lead Brown Nation to the promised land? You wanna meet him? 
It's Eric Mangini!
Well, I mean, um, well I guess...I guess if the Czar says...huh.
Guess what? I shitcanned Brady Quinn! Who wants that pretty boy pussy as a backup quarterback? You wanna meet your NEW backup quarterback? Huh? Do ya?
But...I thought...I thought he was the czar...I thought...we'd be getting better...I thought...
I'moh throw this bottle! I'moh throw this bottle right now!
Just tell us Derek Anderson is gone! Please! For the love of God!
