For Jordan, Pt. 2

You're absolutely right. This totally should have been included in the first round of pics.

And come on. There are at least 8-10 people who continually check this site out.

A Belated Congratulations...

To FFGP2's favorite baseball player and World Series champion, Timothy Leroy Lincecum!

Glad I could be there every step of the way!

The Results of Yesterday's Election in a Thinly-Veiled Ridiculous Sports Metaphor

Hello, everyone. As you all know, I am the United Football League commissioner Michael Huyghue. Thank you for joining me in this impromptu meeting to discuss the National Football League's monopoly on the sport of American football; how we, the victims of this travesty, plan to dig ourselves out of our admittedly self-inflicted hole; and, at the end of the meeting, conduct a vote on our next course of action.

Please allow me to introduce to you a man who, while we greatly differ in the future of professional football, and I personally believe he did us all a great disservice by making a mockery of the game nine years ago, a man who certainly needs no introduction: Vince McMahon.

Alright, damnit. Sure, we have a hole to get out of. No, not too many people in this room were very pleased with the investment they made on the XFL, Mr. Huyghue.



With all due respect, Mr. McMahon, you're not saying anything any of us in this room hasn't said before. We understand it's a bad situation. We understand the public has absolutely no confidence in our leadership nor our product.

I propose greater spending: more advertising to compete; more TV revenue; greater player salaries to compete and lure the sport's greatest free agents. Yes, it's an unfortunate time right now, but we can dig ourselves out of this. Unfortunately, it's not going to happen overnight.

Mr. McMahon, your response?

I'm sorry, Mr. McMahon, but that's not a solution. You're just disagreeing without coming up with a course of action of your own. Sure, we need a viable economy to compete with the NFL, but there's gotta be more to this, right? I mean, what is this all about?

Mr. McMahon, now you're just being childish. Rallying against an idea without a solution of your own doesn't legitimately count as your own platform, solution, or idea.

Fine. Surely the fine voters will see through this ridiculous charade. My last statement is this: just stick with me. Sure, I kinda suck. I'll be the first one to admit that. But can't you see I at least have a plan? It's starting to work! I want to incorporate gambling more! Americans love to gamble on sports, and if we didn't hide behind the truth like the NFL and college, I think more Americans would embrace us. We just need a little more time.

Mr. McMahon, your response?

Congratulations, America! You're Marty Jannetty!

Hey, Golic! Yes, Greeney!

Welcome back to Mike and Mike in the Morning, brought to you as always by Progressive. Get a quote in about six minutes, compare rates from top car insurers, and save with a policy that's right for you. Shopping less and saving more--now that's Progressive.

Now Golic, this guy, this blogger, Matt Strosnider--I hope I'm pronouncing that correctly--he writes this blog called Fake Field Goal Pass 2. Anyways, he announced he was "back" after a long hiatus, then what does he do? He writes three blogs. One of which is just a picture of Brad Childress's head on Christian Bale's body. I mean, three? That's how many pizzas you had during the commercial break.

Stop it. Sorry, I forgot it was a crime to like pizza! Better than you, Mr. I Know All The Wiggles Songs By Heart.

You're darn right I know all The Wiggles songs and I'm not ashamed to admit it. This hack "fat guy-metrosexual guy" riff was brought to you by Domino's Pizza. Right now you can get two medium two-topping pizzas for $5.99 each, and get one specialty pizza for only two dollars more. Enter to win at Show Us Your Pizza dot com and be awarded $500 if your pizza wins. Domino's Pizza--mouth-watering taste at a jaw-dropping value.

So, what does Matt Strosnider and Colby Lewis have in common? Buster Olney drops by to weigh in on the blogger and the World Series. This is Mike and Mike in the Morning...

On ESPN Radio.

Welcome back to Mike and Mike in the Morning, brought to you by P90X. Get absolutely ripped in just 90 days with P90X. Don't believe me? Go to Beach Body dot com, click on the microphone, and type "Mike". You can try a P90X risk free trial for 90 days. Don't like it? You can send it back, but trust me, you won't. Once again, go to Beach Body dot com, click on the microphone, and type "Mike". P90X--all it takes is an hour a day to get in the best shape of your life. Buster Olney joins us on the Subway Fresh Take Hotline. Buster, what do you make of this Matt Strosnider?

You know, guys, I really don't see the problem with this guy. Sure, he doesn't bring it every night, but when he does, watch out. He's witty, he's funny, he can write little remarks to put underneath pre-existing pictures. I mean, sure, is he worth three minutes of your workday? I don't know. But for what you're paying him, I think he's doing just fine.

Thank you. That's what I was trying to tell this sissy here during the break. The kid's doing fine. Back off! His stuff is pretty funny, it'll get you through the day, and in the end, you can have a laugh. On the other hand, I don't think he's that funny. I personally don't think it will get you through the day, nor have I had a laugh during it.

But...you just said...you never stick to a poi...you just flip-flop...oh, nevermind. Yeah, I think the kid will be just fine.

Thank you, Buster. Buster Olney, as always, joining us on the Subway Fresh Take Hotline. Mike and Mike in the Morning, brought to you by Adam and Eve's Dildo Store. Shop the Adam and Eve official site for all your sex toy and dildo needs. Adam and Eve--you've got a hole, we wanna fill it. Thanks for joining us today. Glad we could touch on so many sports topics and each take a definitive side without being gimmicky, insulting to your intelligence, and above all, for sale. Thanks everybody, we'll see you Monday, on Mike and Mike in the Morning on ESPN Radio.

The King Is Dead

Spoiler Alert: This is exactly how I felt at the end of First Knight.

The procession was led by "a grett company of chylderyn in ther surples" and watched by Londoners "wepyng and lamenting"; the funeral chariot, draped in cloth of gold, was topped by an effigy of Edward, with crown, sceptre, and garter.

~The death of King Edward VI

Depending on whether he were a man of the people or a tyrant, a king's death was met by great sadness or tremendous relief. Nevertheless, his people were undoubtedly affected, and the mood's respective shadow was cast over his kingdom.

I was once a subject under the reign of King James of Akron, and it is with great sadness today that I admit my former divine leader is nothing more than a jester douche, a powerless pauper no longer within the realm of the living. His procession has come and past, and I stayed inside to fashion the crown of Prince Durant.

I was in Chicago with my fiancee on the night of "The Decision". Signs of "LeBron or Bust" were all over the place, and the city was insatiable. They had seen Jordan. They had seen Pippen. Hell, they even saw Corzine. And yet, they were ready and willing for the new dynasty to begin. Every city was. LeBron had (purposefully) dangled his meat for three years in front of every fanbase's eyes, planting a seed in their brains: Maybe even you can be lucky enough to watch me play.

I didn't even watch the entire show. Anna and I went on an architecture boat tour (yep, this is who you read now--deal with it) and rode our bikes through the city. I had to stop, of course, when the announcement was to be made. We parked our bikes and I hopped in a bar just in time for Jim Gray to ask him where he was headed. I wanted him to say Cleveland so bad, and so did the people (from Ohio) sitting next to me. Surely he wouldn't do this to Cleveland on national TV.

Well, obviously we all know what happened next. I shouted an obscenity and got back on my bike, not wanting to watch a second more. The nation's favorite basketball player, in five seconds, became Public Enemy Number One.

LeBron James, in happier times.

So, why am I posting this now, almost three full months after "The Decision" aired? Well, first of all, I quit writing about sports for a while. I had to clear my head, prioritize some things, and, honestly, I just got sick of sports. There's only so many times you can hear about Brett Favre (or people who talk about Brett Favre every day making fun of how much Brett Favre is talked about), LeBron, or Michael Vick until you just think, "You know what, I'm done with it." ESPN is so ridiculous these days, it's almost unfathomable. If I see TMZ for two seconds, I get mad that someone could watch that religiously. Then I remember that's EXACTLY what ESPN goes for these days.

People talk about how obnoxious players like Terrell Owens and Chad Ochocinco are, yet this year's Madden video game (which, for the record and my own personal satisfaction, I have not played) now has a "Swagger" rating, dictating whether or not a player celebrates after a touchdown.

Lockouts are threatening both the NFL and NBA, while the NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament (which EVERYONE thinks is perfect the way it is) is changing its format, while the BCS (which NO ONE thinks is perfect the way it is) remains the same. And I've yet to hear one good reason (or for that matter, one person in favor) for the NFL to switch to an 18-game schedule.

If "if ain't broke, don't fix it" is still a relevant phrase, it should really just back away and pretend it doesn't see what is happening in sports in 2010.

Oh, and the other reason I'm talking about LeBron today? He played the race card, saying some of the backlash from his public image meltdown is due to race. Really, LeBron? I'm sure it was, you know, to people who are already racists. For everyone else who bought your professional jerseys, high school jerseys, shoes, T-shirts, tickets, and posted your image on billboards, it was just plain selfish, self-serving, and ego-maniacal. Yes, all three of those words pretty much mean the same thing. That's how disappointed I am.

Related note: Three years ago Kobe Bryant wanted to be The Man on a championship team and people killed him. Now, LeBron wants to play unselfishly on a team with his friends and people kill him. Guess what? It worked for Kobe, and it's probably going to work for LeBron. With that said, LeBron's "Decision" was the best thing that could have happened for Kobe Bryant's legacy.

Congratulations, guys! You won "The Decision"!

So, this is why I make my "sports website" a collection of poop and dick jokes. That's what sports are. Do I love them? Absolutely. Will I always watch them? Of course. Will I go to the Heat-Pacers game, and watch every Miami game on TV? Undoubtedly. That's why sports is a big Chuck-E-Cheese ballpit of fun and hypocrisy. Just keep them in perspective.

With that said, the reign of Durant has begun. Long live The King.

I'm Back, Pt. II

So...

Um, I'm back, right? I mean, that's what I posted. So...

That translates to multiple conversation-starting posts per week, right? Like, the way I used to do it?

Let's see...

Ah, hell. I got nothing.



Sorry you clicked on this today.

Don't Call It A Comeback

The greatest comebacks in sports history:

10. Wes Welker

I hate the Patriots with a passion, but to come back eight months after tearing your ACL and MCL--and score two touchdowns--is no small feat.

Related note: More ACLs are torn by old people in the cafeteria MCL than all other North American restaurants combined.

9. Mike Tyson

Iron Mike spent three years in prison for breaking and entering or theft or rape or something like that, then defeated "Hurricane" Peter McNeeley in the first round.

Related note: McNeeley, according to his Wikipedia page, once punched out a man and stole his wallet containing $200. So Peter McNeeley will have a nice obituary when he dies in two years, anyway.

8. George Foreman

This entire list could have been boxers, but dedicating an entire post to a dying sport is wedged between the XFL and SlamBall on the "Worst Sports Ideas Ever" list. With that said, Foreman won the Heavyweight Title at 45, 20 years after he previously held the belt. Pretty impressive.

Related note: George Foreman has murdered one child every year for the last 37 years.

7. Shawn Michaels

The Heartbreak Kid destroyed his back while I loved wrestling, tormented me with rumored return stories while I loved wrestling, then came back four years later when I couldn't care less about wrestling. Then again, if I was wearing an HBK shirt at Buffalo Wild Wings, weeping at his return, I probably wouldn't be engaged right now. Actually, I'd be dead from a cough syrup-pain killers concoction.

Related note: Bret Hart also came back this year, but he doesn't make the list. Why? Because he crawled back to a man who publicly screwed him over in his home country, had a hand in the death of his brother, and badmouthed his family for years, all because he needed money. Someone should hire a real hitman to mercy-kill Bret Hart.

6. Tiger Woods

Sure, Tiger has sucked since the Masters, but at least his showing at Augusta made for good television. I can't imagine the feeling of having your dirty laundry (and we're talking blood-and-shit stained whites) hung out for everyone in the world to see.

Related note: I love how most people say something along the lines of, "How could he do that? She's so pretty," as if only ugly people should be allowed to be cheated on.

5. Mario Lemieux

Le Magnifique retired due to, oh I don't know, cancer AND chronic back problems, came back three years later, and scored a goal and three points in his return game.

Related note: Super Mario finished in the top three for the Hart Trophy (MVP) that season, along with Gordon Bombay and Wolf "The Dentist" Stansson.

4. Tommy John

Dude permanently hurts his arm, hears some radical batshit doctor lingo about how to fix it, actually goes through with the procedure, and comes back and pitches for 15 more seasons, winning 20 or more games three times.

Unrelated note: My neighbor across the street is a horrible mother, a fantastic drinker, and obnoxiously loud. She's on her front porch 90% of the time, and I'm two weeks away from paying a brutish woman to fight her.

3. Muhammad Ali

Ali was stripped of his Heavyweight Title in 1967 for refusing to serve in the Vietnam War, then won a Supreme Court case, fought Joe Frazier twice, and regained his belt against George Foreman in 1974.

Related note: I missed "The Rumble in the Jungle" by ten years, making up for it in 1995 by seeing Jackie Chan's 1995 hit Rumble in the Bronx in the theater.

2. Michael Jordan

MJ won three titles, retired, then returned to win three more.

Related note: My really, really old great-aunt was dying, and my mom took me to the hospital to see her on the day Jordan came back to play my Pacers. I listened to the game on the radio in the car to the hospital, on the way home, and, yep, even in the room with her. Point of the story? Either Jordan's comeback was a bigger deal than a family member dying or I was a little shit as a kid. Probably the latter.

1. Fake Field Goal Pass 2

It's back...