Quotes of the Day!

"I don't want to be a role model...Being captain was overrated to me, anyway. You don't do anything but go out before the game and talk to the refs. I don't want to do that, anyway."

"Any time somebody takes $150,000 from me, of course it's going to change. If my mom took some money from me I'd still love her to death but I'd still be upset about it. And (Don Nelson)'s not my mom."

~Golden State Warriors guard/forward Stephen Jackson

God, I can't wait for the NBA.

Lollapadoucha

Today's game...

WHICH ONE OF THESE DOUCHEBAGS DO I ACTUALLY ROOT FOR?

A. Sasha Vujacic

Only a douchebag is in pain playing Fabricio Oberto.

"I'd suck it. Don't care if AIDS on it."

"Luke Walton tell me this American girl is virgin, and I be first."

With his flamboyant flops and "Hey, me too, guys! Me too, Kobe!" mentality, Sasha Vujacic is undoubtedly a douche. But do I root for him?

B. Dustin Pedroia


This guy won an American League Most Valuable Player award. Seriously.

Good thing they have players' names on the back. I wouldn't be able to tell.

While searching for a joke, my brain developed a douche tumor.

Sure, he brought a title to Boston, a team I used to passionately root for. But do I root for him?

C. Novak Djokovic

"The cameras will pick up my chest hair though, right?"


Unknown to the tennis world, Djokovic can shoot douchey sparks out of his hands, but only while wearing boxer-briefs.

Note: He's not alone in this picture. There's an audience wherever he is.

Novak delights crowds with his impressions of other tennis players. Is that enough to win this competition?

D. Matt Leinart

"So...how soon can I go back to USC?" He'd do it in a second, right?


If you have a series of photographs on a website called "The Dirty", there's little hope in escaping Planet Douchebag.


Ah, his glory days in college. Wait, you mean he's in the NFL when this picture was taken? Well, at least he's a starter...

Leinart gets the girls and lived in Hollywood. But do I root for him?

E. Jimmy Clausen

"Would it be douchier if I put my hand like this? Sure thing. Whatever makes me look more ridiculous."

"Alright, guys. Let's make sure we have our wardrobe: Cut shirt? Check. Biker shorts? Check."

No, I did not put that stupid caption in this picture. But it has not been tampered with in any way. This is a REAL photograph.

Are we almost done? Surely I don't root for any of these people.

F. Sean Avery

Get it? He's hockey's bad boy!

He soooo would have played for Iceland in D2: THE MIGHTY DUCKS

Yep, he worked for Vogue in the offseason. No, really.

He dates starlets and plays hockey. Is that good enough?

And the winner is....

E. Jimmy Clausen!

What? He plays for a historic football school in my home state! Good luck Saturday against USC, Jimmy! You big, beautiful douchebag, you! And go Irish!

Very Bloody, For Some Reason

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A Fever Is Not Contagious

Disclaimer: The author would like to remind everyone he is an avid supporter and firm believer in the idea that if you love someone, gay or straight, you should be allowed to marry that person and spend your lives happily together. He finds it repulsize that society tries to determine who can and cannot be recognized as lovers by outdated philosophy and downright bigotry. With that said, certain members of society are simply easier targets for jokes. Enjoy.

GUY IN 1996 WHO IS NOW BROKE #1

Gentlemen, thank you for meeting me. Have you all checked your AOL mailboxes? I have a splendid idea for a new sport.

GUY IN 1996 WHO IS NOW BROKE #2

No, sorry. My wife was on the phone all morning with her mother, so I couldn't take advantage of our dial-up internet. Oh, by all means, do tell! Sport equals money, and I'm ready to start printing it! Bring on the next great American pasttime!

GI1996WINB #1

Alright then. It's a professional basketball league.

GI1996WINB #2

If I'm not mistaken, don't we already have the NBA? The ABA has been extinct for 20 years, my friend. Going head-to-head with Stern is suicide!

GI1996WINB #1

We're not going head-to-head with Stern. As a matter of fact, he's in bed with the idea. All we need is a name...

GI1996WINB #2

Well, let's see. It's like the National Basketball Association...just for women.

***15 minutes of silent contemplation***

GUY IN 1996 WHO IS NOW BROKE #3

...how about, um, the Women's National Basketball Association?

Yep, I did it. Two tickets to the WNBA Finals featuring the hometown Indiana Fever and Phoenix Mercury opened up at work, and I, without shame, claimed them as fast as I could. A title in Indy? One I can actually attend? And tell my grandchildren I was there?

(The previously mentioned conversation, in the year 2059)

Me:

Oh, I was there, that brisk October night way back in '09, when Tamika, Katie, and the gals took home the prestigious WNBA title from Diana Taurasi, whom your Great-Uncle Matt McPike finds inexplicably attractive, and the rest of those pesky Phoenix Mercury. Yep, saw it with my own eyes. And did I mention your Great-Uncle Matt McPike finds that hardcourt beast Taurasi attractive? I'm talking, like, top ten attractive! I have? Taunt him for your ol' Grandpa, will ya?

Future Grandchild:

Mom, Papaw's talking about that WNBA again! What is it? I wanna know what it is!

Future Daughter:

Honey, let's get away from Papaw.

(Grabs grandchild's hand)

The WNBA is dead, ok, Dad? That game you went to was the last game in the league's existence. You just confuse her with that talk. When are you gonna get it? When are you gonna get it?

(Sobbing)

What mom saw in you I will never know...

Me:

***Pissing myself***

Future Evidence

To keep the "maybe this is annoying for you, I don't know" dialogue theme of today's story, you need to know two conversations that occured before my friend Dan and I entered Conseco Fieldhouse for our potential date with Y-chromosomed destiny.

Of course, I had to do some research about the league before attending it's championship, so I sought out my boss Brett. Brett, a gay man, is my go-to guy on all homosexual affairs:

Me:

So I know the Fever have a big following in the lesbian community. Does the gay community get into the WNBA at all?

Brett:

I'm happy for them, but I don't really follow football to begin with.

Say no more, Brett!

The second conversation happened in my car as Dan (who willingly agreed to go with me) and I were parking, like an hour before attending a championship event in a professional sport:

Dan:

So, do they play, like, halves or quarters?

Me:

(Shrugging shoulders)

Let the game begin!

As we were walking to the stadium, encountering a woman selling hand-made beaded necklaces with Fever player's names on them, and a scalper wearing this, we passed by the The Pub. Want to get an idea of what The Pub looked like a half hour before the game? Imagine if Ellen Degeneres, Melissa Etheridge, and Rachel Maddow were all signing autographs and giving away buzzcuts and flannel shirts at a casino owned by Chaz Bono. Wah lah! Welcome to The Pub! Needless to say, we were checked out a combined zero times walking by.

If you will, allow me to ask a question: Why do certain lesbians dress like dudes? Aren't you a lesbian to begin with because you want to have sex with women? Surely you could just find a guy with a short haircut, a plaid shirt, and jeans, right? Is it the ironic thrill of yanking off a burly man's Wranglers in the heat of passion to find a vagina? These are the thoughts that run through my head at the WNBA Finals.

Inside Conseco, however, was a slightly different story. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't expecting 15,000 of the manliest women Indianapolis had to offer, and the other 1,000 being middle-aged men in trench coats, sweatpants, and sunglasses. What awaited us were...families. Lots of kids. Um, normal people. Sure, there were plenty of homosexuals attending the game, but when you're expecting a downpour and it only sprinkles, you're a tad disappointed.

Were the true fans pushed out by the bandwagon jumpers?

Oh yeah, was there a game? Yes. Yes there was. WNBA apologists always break out the "it's fundamental basketball at its best!" defense whenever their precious league is threatened (note: this is every second of every day). I would argue: No, it's really not. I get it that it's not flashy, simply because it can't be, but that doesn't make it more structured or fun to watch. The shot selection was TERRIBLE, just dreadful, and all the homeless people living underneath the bridge on Pennsylvania south of the stadium would have a new home if we collected the bricks. I lost count of how many fastbreaks were ruined by a bad pass or a non-pass that should have been made. At one point, after the Fever embarrassingly screwed up a 2-on-1, Dan said, "I would have left after that fast break. If this weren't the Finals, I would have left." One thing he did notice was how much the Fever coach looks like George Washington:

Alright, girls. Run some suicides while I powder my wig.

And granted, I can't judge the entire league based on one game. But this was the championship! Shouldn't this be the best brand of basketball the league can offer? If so, it won't offer it very much longer.

What I'm about to say will rub a lot of people the wrong way (just go with me, please, that "a lot of people" read this). You know what the WNBA reminded me a lot of? Men's college basketball. It's mostly under the rim (100% in the WNBA), a lot of passing, and a lingering thought of "I just don't think these are the best players in the world". Now I don't know about you, but that's why I watch sports to begin with. I want to see the best of the best, otherwise it's almost a waste of time. I don't want to see players struggling to learn the game, or bench players you think you could beat. If you give me 10 games to watch between NBA and college, I'll take the NBA 9.5 times. I just would. A lot of people say the NBA regular season doesn't matter, or that the athletes dog it and don't play defense, but I know every Cavs game there's a chance for LeBron to do something unheard of. I know that Kobe could score 81 points again. I just don't have that chance with college or the WNBA.

Oh yeah, back to the game. The Fever lost, so the series heads back to Phoenix. No championship for myself or Indianapolis. Here's hoping for a victory on Friday, but I wouldn't put money on me watching it.

The impeccable view from the FFGP2 Luxury Box

P.S.

If you get a chance, make sure to walk around Conseco just to check out the old Pacer team photos. You'll never know who will turn up!

Anton Sigur

The Snooze Button

Don't worry, Bill. A team starring Seneca Wallace, Julius Jones, and John Carlson could make anybody doze off.

Seattle is a really boring team. The Colts are really good, and fun to watch. I bet Jim Mora Jr. is an asshole.

And with that, my pictures of the game!

I feel like whatever "Elderly English woman drinking tea" joke I pop off at this picture will come off as cheap and easy, so I'll just let it go. Good cause.

But that reminds me of something I have wanted to get off my chest for years:

1) No way would Daniel Hillard get his own children's TV show after a character ("Mrs. Doubtfire") he created was involved in such a bizarre, manipulative act on his own family. He would never, EVER see his kids again, and the press would be up to their elbows with transvestite father jokes. As a matter of fact, no way Daniel Hillard even gets that job, even with his quirky charisma and voice talents. He was rapping with the dinosaurs (alone) when he should have been shipping! And then he insults the boss! If the shipping/receiving guy at your job was playing with toy dinosaurs and singing, would you promote him or mock him with your friends?

2) No way do you feel sorry for Daniel in his divorce proceedings. You're wearing a blue powder suit, Daniel! I'm supposed to believe you can't breathe without your children, but the best you could do at the court to save your relationship with them is a suit Eric Montross would wear to a reunion?

3) No way did I see that movie in the theater, laugh my balls off, and later beg my grandma to buy the VHS.

What's Going On In This Photograph?

A) Seneca Wallace is beaten down following a game that just isn't going his team's way

B) Seneca Wallace feels a little over-his-head in this whole NFL thing

C) An assistant coach is showing Seneca Wallace his penis

D) Who's Seneca Wallace?

E) I don't have enough information to accurately answer this question

Wow, FOX. A close-up of an anonymous player's disgusting foot being wrapped? Next to your annoying fucking robot jumping rope? To quote Jim Mora Jr.: "Not acceptable."

"Hey P, remember that time you, me, and Bradford Banta ran a train on that prostitute in the Slippery Noodle parking lot?"

***

And now, a game I like to call:

LET'S COMPARE PEYTON MANNING'S GAME LOG TO JAMARCUS RUSSELL'S!

Peyton Manning's Game Log

JaMarcus Russell's Game Log

That ties in with...

Today's Quote(s) of the Weekend!

“I thought he played his best football all year in terms of where he is going with it and his presence and all of those things.” ~ Raiders coach Tom Cable, on JaMarcus (QB rating of 48.5, a completion percentage of 36%, 0 TD's, 1 fumble) Russell

"Chad Simpson, out with an abdominal injury...and released by the team." ~ Dick Stockton

***

By the way, the odds for the upcoming "Quake by the Lake" are out:

Lebron James (-1200)

vs.

Braylon Edwards

***

SERIAL KILLER FACT OF THE WEEK!

Eric Beishline was once seeing arguing with a flagpole.

And there you have it. To celebrate a victory over Jim Mora Jr., a favorite video of mine.

Good day, and Go Horse.

Today we are going to play...

WHO HAD THE RAUNCHIEST, DIRTIEST, "SHOUT-I-WANT-MY-MOMMA-TA'-HEAR" SEX WITH SERENA WILLIAMS?

Today's contestants...

Common

No offense to Common, but I'm just not seeing it. I see delicate, tender lovemaking here, like adolescent deer rubbing faces.

CC Sabathia

Let's not judge a book by it's cover, now. CC may be 300 pounds, but word on the street is he's a softie at heart. I bet he treated Serena like a gentleman. Or I'm dead wrong.

Corey Maggette

Apparently, Corey made a guest appearance in Common's video "Drivin' Me Wild". Awwwwwwkwarrrrrrrd. You know what else he made a guest appearance in? Serena Williams's vagina. Ace!

Keyshawn Johnson

Oddly enough, this is the face Keyshawn made when Serena disrobed. Three minutes later, after several fruitless pleas to "slow down", Keyshawn was in a peaceful slumber. Disqualified.

Brett Ratner

No, really. I'm not joking. How crazy would it be if, unbeknownst to all of us, he was actually the winner?

Well, he's not. Only one man can hold that title, and that man is...

Marty Schottenheimer!

Whoops...

LaVar Arrington!

Congratulations, LaVar! You, undoubtedly in my mind, had the dirtiest, raunchiest, "Shout-I-want-my-momma-ta'-hear" sex with Serena Williams! I bet it was like the Spinosaurus vs. T-Rex showdown in Jurassic Park III.

I remember LaVar mercilessly harrassing the Northwestern punter during a game, so I can't imagine how vicious he is between the sheets.

Natasha Williams-Arrington

Judging by the Parents, We Can Rule Child Acting Out...

Rumors are running rampant in New York City that Kate Hudson is pregnant with Alex Rodriguez's baby. I just want to know if Kurt Russell has been with Goldie Hawn long enough for his DNA to sneak in there.

That poor, hypothetical child. Let's hope he/she can make up for the sins of their parents:

Kate Hudson's Last Twelve Films:

Bride Wars (2009)

My Best Friend's Girl (2008)

Fool's Gold (2008)

You, Me And Dupree (2006)

The Skeleton Key (2005)

Raising Helen (2004)

Le divorce (2003)

Alex & Emma (2003)

How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days (2003)

The Four Feathers (2002)

The Cutting Room (2001)

Dr. T and the Women (2000)

Alex Rodriguez's Last Four Playoff Performances:

2008: Team did not make playoffs

2007: .267 AVG, 1 HR, 1 RBI, 6 K's

2006: .071 AVG, 0 HR, 0 RBI, 4 K's

2005: .133 AVG, 0 HR, 0 RBI, 5 K's

Here's hoping A-Rod's sperm produces better in October.