Cut The Sleeves Off A Colts Hoodie

One rival down, one to go. A trip to Baltimore awaits the Colts, a city who hates this team with every fiber in their being. But with all due respect, Baltimore, you are the only city I've ever been to where I personally witnessed a (disgustingly fat) prostitute and her trick discussing payment and service - in the daytime. I wouldn't exactly put that on your resume.


With that said, I used to feel pretty guilty about the whole "stealing the Colts in the middle of the night" thing. That was, um, pretty low. To say the least. Then I learned a few things that gave a little perspective to the whole situation, and while the manner in which it happened can never be fully defended, let me try. Because I know I'm going to hear about it all pregame:

(And by the way, I'm fully aware that no one from Baltimore is reading this. I'm like a lawyer arguing in an empty courtroom.)

1) Between 1978 and 1984 (the year the Colts moved to Indy) Baltimore won a grand total of 26 games, and the strike in '82 mercifully ended an 0-8-1 campaign. Not exactly Unitas out there. Add in Elway's refusal to play there, another quarterback (you know, the leader of the team) suspended a year for gambling, and absolutely dreadful attendance, and you have all the makings for relocation.

2) I've always grown tired of Baltimore's boo hoo act because, oh I don't know, THEY STOLE THE BROWNS. As soon as Art Modell snatched them up (arguably just as historic of a franchise) and moved them, Baltimore should have shut its mouth.

My mom has a Colts license plate holder, and somebody from Maryland with a Ravens sticker drove by and flipped her off*. Really? You know, because my mom had something to do with the move. If somebody steals an HD TV from you, so you steal an HD TV from somebody else, don't go to the cops crying that someone stole your HD TV.

*They really gave her a thumbs down sign with a playful smile. I didn't think that sounded bad enough.

If you gave anyone from Cleveland a gun and said, "Shoot the douchebag", they would be confused for 45 minutes, flip a coin, and ultimately shoot Art Modell. I think.

3) Here's my favorite part: According to David Halberstam's excellent book "The Education of a Coach", Ted Marchibroda hired a young upstart with enormous potential in 1975 to study film and act as a pseudo-assistant.

Baltimore went from 2-12 in 1974 to 10-4 in 1975, then 11-3 in '76, and 10-4 in '77, and a large portion of the credit among the coaches and players went to this smart, young coach. So what did Baltimore do? Surely they locked this guy up, right? Any competent team would recognize this guy and reward him for his commitment to winning and turning the franchise around, right?

Nope. Detroit offered that same coach $10,000 and a car to go coach there, but Marchibroda was desperate to keep him, and the coach wanted to stay. Marchibroda said he'd fight to get him $4,000 (but no car) and the coach reluctantly agreed. He liked it there that much. Still, management scoffed at paying a young, non-head coach that much money ($4,000!) and let him go. They were notoriously cheap. So Bill Belichick went to Detroit.

(During Marchibroda's negotiations, Belichick sat outside next to the man waiting to discuss a new stadium. If $4,000 was too much, you can only imagine what management said to that man regarding new digs. Flash forward to 1983, and the stadium thing was still an issue. Blame yourselves.)

Sure, it's unfair to think Belichick would still be here, but here's some pictures just for fun:

Yes, I feel bad. But it's not exactly like we got a juggernaut over here. My first sports memory (in person) was Jeff George running out of the tunnel to MERCILESS booing while he egged on the crowd to boo him even louder. And that was a home game.

I've enjoyed the Peyton Manning era so much because I remember the old days. I remember the half-filled dome. I remember other kids laughing when I wore a Colts shirt (yes, I know how pathetic that sounds - I don't want your sympathy). I remember everyone cheering on Dallas my freshman year of high school and scoffing at the Colts (all of these people are "huge" Colts fans now, by the way) and saying Peyton Manning would never amount to anything. I remember the winless, Paul Justin-led Colts beating the defending Super Bowl champion Green Bay Packers at home. When you've gone through that, you cherish the wins just a little bit more.

So...can we have that $15 mil back?

4) Hilarious story I learned from ESPN's awesome "30 For 30" series: Colts owner Bob Irsay (a HUGE, often public drunk) called up his son (current Colts owner Jim Irsay, then general manager for Baltimore) while he was drunk one night and told him to go to Indianapolis the very next day, and to forget negotiating with Phoenix for the Colts. So the next day, Jim gets a call from Bob asking him where he is. After saying something along the lines of "Indianapolis, like you told me to", Bob was livid. "Indianapolis? What the hell are you doing in Indianapolis?" He was so drunk he forgot he told him to go there. And that's why my favorite team is in the city I grew up in.

Oh, and by the way, the Colts have owned the Ravens and their "vaunted defense" in recent years, and they didn't impress me in the least against the abysmal Browns. I'm not scared at all. Colts by nine.

WHY THE NBA IS JUST FLAT OUT BETTER

The college basketball preseason All-Americans were just announced, and along with Sherron Collins of Kansas and Patrick Patterson of Kentucky, here's the other three:

Kyle Singler, Duke

Luke Harangody, Notre Dame

Cole Aldrich, Kansas

I tell you what. If even one of those guys makes ONE NBA All-Star team, I'll give everyone reading this $100. If those are honestly the best guys playing, I'll sit this one out.

No Chance In Tennessee

It's official: The NFL has its Vincent Kennedy McMahon. That man? Tennessee Titans owner Bud Adams.

Frank Wycheck has never felt so ashamed. But hey, at least it was Bud's first time.

And with that, a special McMahon vs. Adams photo gallery! I'm giddy with anticipation!

Vince McMahon, Sr.

Bud. Are we sure they're not related?

Yep, I know it's blurry. But find a better picture. You can't.

"You guys like my costume? I'm going as Crazy Jimmy Carter this year."

Bud is two wins away from starting his own "Kiss My Ass Club".

Photo courtesy of the Nashville Wax Museum.

Bud would use this money to sign recently cut Colt players.

And there you have it! Feel free to root for the Tennessee Titans and their crazy 86-year old owner, Bud Adams!

THE "HEY, EVERYBODY ELSE IS BEATING UP THE BROWNS TODAY, LET ME TRY" SECTION

What is Eric Mangini doing in this picture?

A. Witnessing what he thinks is the death of Jin while catching up on some "Lost".

B. Thinking about what golf courses he will be playing at this time next year.

C. Watching his best player, Joshua Cribbs, a special teams player, get carried off the field on a stretcher after the meaningless last play of a pathetic, nationally televised shutout.

D. Worrying about whether or not his possessions will be on the front porch of he and his wife's house when he gets home after the game.

VOMIT OR SHIT?

Derek Anderson's QB Rating (By Game)

30.9

68.8

15.1

51.0

36.4

10.5

Total = 36.2

Brady Quinn's QB Rating (By Game)

74.1

58.7

42.7

42.4

23.5

Total = 51.0

In case you were wondering, according to Pro Football Reference, if every single pass a quarterback threw fell incomplete his rating would be 39.6.

Oh, you're probably waiting for a joke. Um...wow, I didn't really have one planned. I thought that last statement would do the trick.

ERIC MANGINI OR FRANK CALIENDO?

Two teams have looked at this face and thought, "We've GOT to hire this guy!"

THE "YEARS AGO, I WORKED AT THE BEST BUY WAREHOUSE FOR LITERALLY TWO HOURS BEFORE THEY FIRED ME FOR NOT WORKING" AWARD

Hey, at least you two have your shit together!

There may be a part two coming later. If not, jumbo tomorrow. It all depends on if I ever get caught doing this at work instead of, you know, my real work. Tell your friends!

What? Was There A Game Last Night?

Unbelievable. Unreal, unbelievable unreal unreal. Unreal, "Unreal, unbelievable unreal," unreal unbelievable. Unreal.

I was just going to do that for this whole thing, but that would get really annoying. But honestly, what else is there? Well, let's try anyway...

1. Everybody's talking about Belichick's gamble on 4th and 2, and rightly so. But there was honestly no doubt in my mind that they were going to get it. Either Faulk was going to run another one of those annoying draws (nice job adjusting, guys!), Welker was going to run a curl or slant for the 3,457,958th time in his career, or 6'4" Randy Moss was going to molest 5'8" Tim Jennings in front of 500 bajillion people, leading to Brady running out the clock and annoyingly banging helmets with his linemen in celebration of a big win. I was sure of it.

Colts cornerback Tim Jennings, seen here celebrating a deflected pass in the third quarter of Sunday night's win against the New England Patriots.

Amazingly, they didn't get it. And while I had no doubt Manning would drive them in (that's not true at all - sports pessimism is my second job, and last night I was working overtime) I was nervous as hell. How much time will they leave? How annoying would a red zone turnover be? Is thirteen seconds a bad omen for us or them? What happened in Al Michaels's past to make him say, "Don't even get me started on fireworks in indoor stadiums" earlier in the game? Was he raped during an indoor pyrotechnics display? You know, normal questions.

2. Is Reggie Wayne the best receiver in Colts history? Sure, he's got a long way to go to catch Marvin in the record book, but I'm not talking about records. I'm talking about clutch. While Garcon and Collie flicked each others' beans and discussed Katherine Heigl's filmography during the first three and a half quarters, Wayne caught everything in his vicinity, including Manning's laser slant at the end. From his ungodly catch (dragging THREE feet in!) at the beginning of the game to his game-winner, Reggie Wayne is the best receiver in the league. Moss and Welker live next door in the neighborhood, though.

One of Belichick's many uncharacteristic mistakes last night? Challenging Reggie Wayne. Just don't do it. Ever.

3. The difference between pre-2006 Peyton Manning and post-2006 Peyton Manning is astonishing. Before, there was a lingering feeling of "here comes a pick" or "wonder how the Colts will choke this one away". Now? Manning is cold-blooded. He's absolutely ruthless.

I used to secretly shy away from the "Brady vs. Manning" argument because, honestly, what ammunition did I have? Brady won more, he won head-to-head, he made supermodels hit the headboards, then (and this one hurt) he started to take the stats, too. Now (and hopefully, after at the very least one more Super Bowl - this season) I can confidently say that not only is Manning better than Brady, he's better than anyone. Ever. And in the clutch, too.

Peyton Manning's PeyBack Foundation gives one lucky homeless person sideline tickets, a Colts jacket, and a headset before every game.

I really don't have anything else to add. You can't. Did the Colts deserve to lose? They were six minutes away from being blown out at home. After Welker's punt return, my friends and I were more devastated than Roman Polanski seeing the word "PIG" written in his pregnant wife's blood. Was I in a bad mood for 93% of the game? Yes. Does this game necessarily mean they'll beat the Pats at home if it comes down to it in the playoffs? No. But...they won. Did the Patriots deserve to win?

No.

Yep, I took a picture of the Boston Globe sports section scoreboard. My favorite teams OWNED Boston this weekend, the most annoying sports city in America. Bliss.

THE "GUY IN HIS 40'S IN YOUR COLLEGE CLASS RAISING HIS HAND AND ANSWERING ALL THE QUESTIONS ABOUT THE 60'S AND 70'S AND BEING REAL SMUG ABOUT IT" AWARD

Congratulations to Devin Barclay! The Ohio State kicker nailed a game-winner to send the Buckeyes to the Rose Bowl. That's impressive, right?

Right?

Wrong! Barclay is TWENTY SIX YEARS OLD! He used to play in the MLS! He's EIGHT years older than some of his teammates! I'm supposed to be impressed by this? What's he doing after games, buying alcohol and renting cars for his teammates? Talking about seeing BACK TO THE FUTURE in the theater? This annoys me. Another thing that annoys me? The name "Devin". Have you ever met anyone over the age of 30 named Devin? Can you imagine a Grandpa Devin? It's a kid's name, like Chad. I can't picture two old men playing chess together in 2047 and hearing:

Old Man #1:

Checkmate, Devin.

Old Man #2:

You got me, Chad!

BADASS OF THE WEEK

Go ahead. Make fun of Manny Pacquiao for this picture. I'm not.

Photo of the Day

Sure, Belichick very well may be looking at something else to his right.  But where's the fun in that?

Automatic Chuck

Charlie Weis has held more guns in this photograph than his defense has stops this season.

I, like so many other front-running, corn-fed Indiana boys, have grown up appreciating the illustrious history of Indiana University basketball and Notre Dame football. (Don't tell me IU has a football team, or Notre Dame has a basketball team. I won't listen.) IU is in the discussion of the top six or seven storied programs in NCAA basketball history, and Notre Dame is, if not first, in the top two or three in football. Combined, they have 16 national titles, six between 1973 and 1988.

Now, I was born in the summer of 1984, putting me at a whopping 2 when Bobby Knight brilliantly fouled skinny (hold your laughter) freshman Derrick Coleman, who clanked the front end of a one-and-one, leading to Keith Smart's now infamous shot. I was 3 when Heisman Trophy winner Tim Brown and Lou Holtz whooped up on West Virginia in the Fiesta Bowl. Therefore, I cannot claim neither team has won a title in my lifetime.

However, let's say you were born in 1989. You've heard all the stories of Indiana basketball and Notre Dame football. You're led to believe these are the cream of the crop in collegiate sport. They're historic programs, right? Eh....

Sure, Mike Davis had the 2002 Final Four run, and Notre Dame's made some bowl games (and by bowl games, I mean prison rapings). But seriously, guys. It's Indiana and Notre Dame. Get it turned around. Like, now. Actually, like ten years ago.

Not acceptable.


THIS WEEK'S "WHO THE FUCK IS GOING TO GO SEE THIS MOVIE?" PICK


Sandra Bullock Fans: "No. It's about football."

Football Fans: "No. It has Sandra Bullock in it."

Movie Fans: "No. I've...uh...(looking around)...I've got a book to read."

My rule? Anytime an established actor or actress goes with a questionable hair change, the kind that when you first see it you think "wow, that looks cheap", stay away. The movie's going to tank.

WHICH ONE IS THE REAL NBA PLAYER ANTHONY JOHNSON?

A.
B.
C.

THE "IS IT OK TO THINK THIS GUY IS A DOUCHEBAG EVEN THOUGH HE'S DONE A LOT OF GREAT CHARITABLE WORK? YES. YES IT IS." AWARD

So I work with a lady whose neighbor rents her house out to people during the Indianapolis 500 weekend. Just normal folks, usually. However, a couple years ago Lance Armstrong and Robin Williams (you knew they were friends, right?) wanted to rent out the house, so she let them. So what did my co-worker see the next day out of her window? Lance and his entourage doing shirtless one-armed push-ups in the front yard. Not Robin, though. She wouldn't have been able to tell if he were shirtless. But Lance and his buddies definitely were. Again, shirtless one-armed push-ups. Thanks! I'll be here all week!

THE "THIS NEEDS NO INTRODUCTION" VIDEO OF THE WEEK

NBA Tuesday

How chic is NYC LBJ? Let's just say the hipsters were confused when they looked at the autograph and it didn't say Tunde Adebimpe.

Can you fathom life for LeBron? Can you imagine going to the biggest city in America and not feeling overwhelmed, but overwhelming it? He's had New Yorkers begging for him to come for years now. He's had Spike Lee and Chris Rock drooling over him during courtside interviews. He even practically blew off A-Rod (who had just won the World Series the night before) to talk to Jay-Z. He goes between the legs and hotdogs a pass or dunk after the whistle, just to hear MSG go "ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh". And he's also had just under 25 years under his belt on this planet. Unbelievable.

"The atmosphere, just that the atmosphere was great. There were a lot of stars in the building, and it's humbling to have guys like the Yankees come out and Jay-Z. It's really, really humbling to see some of the Giants out, John Legend; I saw Chris Rock. You almost feel like you're a performer sitting on a stage and they're watching you perform."

Um, how is that humbling again? If that were me, I'd do the postgame interview in a ridiculous matching leather outfit and ask my posse what club we were going to like Eddie Murphy at the end of "Delirious". I would have made my "yeah, I kinda sorta got H.I.V." speech by now.

WHAT YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE IN YOUR NBA TEAM'S PROGRAM IF WINNING IS IMPORTANT TO YOU

LET'S DISSECT A QUOTE!

"To begin with, I was the guy who had as much to do as anybody to bring him here.(1) We're going to be going over some of the things that appear to be problems and so on, like I would with any other player. Obviously there's all kinds of different issues, and that's why I'm here.

I feel more involved in this team than in any team I've had in the 10 years since I've owned the Grizzlies.(2) I feel like I have a responsibility to Allen because I'm the guy that talked him into coming here.

I think Allen Iverson is one of the greatest players to ever play the game. He's my wife's favorite player(3)...that didn't play a big role (in signing him), but it did play a little role.(4) Quite frankly, we've got a better chance of winning with Allen than we did without him. My reaction is I didn't agree with (his statements), but I'm not out here to talk about that.(5) That's water under the bridge.(6)"

~Grizzlies owner Michael Heisley

1) I'm the owner. Is that going to sound redundant?

2) The team's record since I bought it? 287-458. I felt it was a good time to get involved. So fuck you, Bryant Reeves!

3) My wife wants to have sex with Allen Iverson.

4) My pathetic submission even overlaps into my job in professional sports.

5) Starting...now.

6) Whoops. Now.

PHOENIX SUNS GAME LOG

@ PHI W - 119-115

@ WAS W - 102-90

@ BOS W - 110-103

@ ORL L - 100-122

@ MIA W - 104-96

MIN W - 120-112

GSW W - 123-101

@ LAC W - 109-107

Steve Nash has had 20 assists in one game this season - twice. The lesson, as always, if you're a betting man and you want to gamble on the Suns, bet the over.

Speaking of scoring, did anybody happen to see the scores from last night? Five games were played - PHO @ PHI (109-107); UTA @ NYK (95-93); TOR @ SA (124-131); MIN @ GS (105-146); and NO @ LAC (112-84).

The NBA: Where Defense Happens?

KOBE V. LEBRON - SEXIFIED

My Girlfriend: Yeah, I mean I kind of see how women find LeBron sexy. I just don't see it with Kobe, though.

Me: Does Kobe's rape case have anything to do about that?

My Girlfriend: Kobe had a rape case?

Kobe's PR people strike again!

The Twelve Seconds That Ensues When Adam Morrison Touches The Ball In An NBA Game

Count Arnaz, and Around the NFL

Before we get one word further, what the FUCK happened to Sammy Sosa? Seriously, what the hell? I have no jokes or cheap shots to make at this, other than the fact that he's somewhere between a Dominican Michael Myers and Count Desi Arnaz. So I guess I do have a cheap shot. But seriously? His skin is beyond creepy, and the green contacts are INSANE. I actually called up a friend, interrupted him during a movie, and demanded that he get on a computer so I could personally hear his initial reaction to Slammin's new look. Needless to say, he was completely horrified and kept asking me if this was a joke, two reactions you would want from someone if the point of conversation revolved around your personal appearance.

It's already being covered, and I'm sure now that Rome has mentioned it the jokes will explode, but I don't need jokes. I need answers. It's been haunting me all weekend.

***

Ah, back to the gridiron. The Colts squeaked by the Texans, leading to the best game in sports right now, and a hype I'll hear this entire week (and am fine with): Colts v. Pats. I can't wait.

Since I've had readers emailing me and complaining about a lack of pictures lately (can't a man dream of negative reader emails?), here's a deluxe edition of pictures of the week! What an embarrassment of riches for you!

PICTURES OF THE WEEK

CBS Guy #1: Showing highlights just isn't enough. We need something else...

CBS Guy #2: Um...how about the athletes involved awkwardly standing in front of a green-screened version of the highlight?

CBS Guy #1: Wow! That janitor just stuck his head in our meeting and pitched an idea! I like it!

Does anyone like the Fox Robot? Anybody? I bet even a Vietnam veteran watching football to ease the four decades of post traumatic stress syndrome wanted to break his TV. Playing a guitar behind your head is one thing, Fox Robot, but you should be ashamed of yourself.

Remember when Tiki Barber retired, claiming he wanted to branch out from football and try other things? Reporting live from East Rutherford, New Jersey, home of the New York Giants, after a football game, Tiki Barber! Keep up the branching, Tiki!

The best part of the Chargers-Giants game yesterday? The chance for a Tom Coughlin-Norv Turner split screen! With Norv's pockmarked neck and constant "I'm deciding if this is going to be a fart or shit" face, to Tom's red cheeked, quasi-dictatorial face, with a perpetual "huh?" expression, this one was a classic. Norv escaped me here, however, leading to an epic pursuit...

Nope...

Almost...

Touchdown!

I hope they play the Sage "I'm Gonna Be A Hero, And By 'Be A Hero', I Mean 'Fumble'" Rosenfels helicopter leap every single time the Colts and Texans play. Every single time. Doesn't this look like a grainy assassination photo? Or a "Faces of Death" screenshot?

And now, this week's version of...

MAN, I BET THAT COACH IS A REAL ASSHOLE

Congratulations to the Kubester, Gary Kubiak! You have joined Jim Mora, Jr. as the first two members of this prestigious club!

In a related story, the Widow's Peak has been renamed the "Gary Kubiak".

And now...

WHICH ONE OF THESE INEXPLICABLE ALBUMS/BANDS DID I MAKE UP?

Current Bengal/former Colt/perpetual dropper Ben Utecht, Christian recording artist.

Free Reign, featuring Dallas Cowboys offensive linemen Corey Proctor, Justin Chapman, Leonard Davis, and Marc Columbo.

Costas & Tone, with broadcaster Bob Costas and Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo creating a delicious concoction of worldbeat/electronica/folk/soul.

WHAT'S DIFFERENT?

If you said "The bottom picture's microphone is floating in the air and there's no hand in the middle" you're right! Given the voice and appearance (given 10 years) there's absolutely no difference!

THE "SHOULD I BE LOOKING AT THIS WEBSITE AT WORK? WILL PEOPLE THINK I'M GAY?" VIDEO (THAT MIGHT NOT WORK BECAUSE BLOGGER SUCKS) OF THE WEEK