Now Indy Wants To Die

Tell me about it.

The Lions. The Nets. The Browns. The Pacers. The list goes on and on. Not-so-gentle reminders that a trip to a championship game is a cool, exciting thing.

"I took it for granted. I never thought we'd lose." That's what every single one of my friends (that picked up their phone) said after the game. Every single one.

Looking back upon the first half of my years as a semi-suffering Indianapolis Colts fan, only the 1995-1996 season truly stands out. Zack Crockett's two huge runs; Lin Elliott's three missed kicks for the Chiefs (and the subsequent "Did you hear Lin Elliott tried to hang himself last night? Too bad he missed kicking the stool out from under him" joke); Captain Comeback's heroic, albeit futile, Hail Mary.

And other than that? 3-13. 4-12. 1-15. Rumors of relocation.

It feels pretty damn good knowing you have a shot each and every single year. Playing in the Super Bowl is something to really be proud of.

What if Pierre would have caught that ball? They were up 10-0 and threatening! The Colts were UP 10-0!

I know the feeling.

Seriously, Hank Baskett? If you can't recover an onside kick even though you're a receiver on special teams, meaning this is your ONLY job, exactly what can you do?

Clint Session, how many tackles are you going to miss?

Tim Jennings, how many times do you have to play your receiver seven yards off before you realize he's going to cut back and catch the ball a foot behind the first down marker?

Hey, Bird lost in the Finals. So did Magic. Brady lost in the Super Bowl. The greats do lose.

What now for Manning? He was so close to coming within one of Brady, and halfway to Montana. You can't squander these opportunities when you've been in the league twelve years. And now? He's tied with Brees, and one behind Ben Roethlisberger, even.

Call me when you've felt my pain, buddy.

Can you imagine losing four straight Super Bowls like the Bills? Can you even fathom going undefeated, and the first game you lost was the Super Bowl, like the Pats? Losing one was enough. It feels horrible.

Hey, looks like pulling the starters worked! A horrible, gutless decision, now made even worse.

Good for the city of New Orleans. I hope they're partying hard right now.

Spare us all the sappy, bullshit stories. Phil Simms had a boner the whole game. And they don't need a reason to party - THEY HAVE FUCKING MARDI GRAS! Those insatiable deviants get to do that every year! What do we have? The 500? Where fat guys pass out under trees for hours, to the point where you wonder if they're dead? Where you see the horribly disfigured-by-tanning-and-smoking breasts of a drunken mom of a girl you went to third grade with?

They didn't play their best game.

They weren't as bad as The Who.

Sean Payton and Drew Brees are geniuses today. The onside kick and quarterback play will go down in Super Bowl history.

Not going for the jugular at the end of the first half? Three straight running plays and a punt? What was that? Isn't the Colts' M.O. the two minute drill before halftime?

The Colts have always said "Do what we do", but they didn't do what they do. Not even close.

Eh.

I originally had a lot of ideas for this one, and almost banged home something last night I probably would have been really proud of. It would have captured last night's game in the proper perspective...but now I don't really care. I'm taking a week off of sports (maybe two), a necessary vacation.

I'm leaving the office, and considering I'm guaranteed to see Tracy Porter's interception return for a touchdown at least once every single year for the rest of my life, I'm going to punch out as soon as I can.

Yesterday was just too brutal. The Pens led the Capitals 4-2 at the start of the third period, when that rat fucker Alex Ovechkin scored two straight to tie (giving him a hat trick in the process), foreshadowing the inevitable Caps winning goal with two and a half minutes left in overtime.

IU was hammered by Northwestern, and it wasn't even a surprise.

Then the Colts.

When your team wins the Super Bowl, everybody goes apeshit. You hug strangers. You smile at anyone wearing your team's shirt, hat, or jersey. You smile at everybody. It's a great feeling.

Last night, I stopped to clean my windshield off after the game, and the lady next to me and I just looked at each other for a couple seconds before awkwardly discussing our miscommunication of why I walked in front of her car (to use her washer fluid, since mine was out).

"Hey, it's okay. You're a Colts fan."

"Sucks, doesn't it?"

"Yeah. It does."

That about sums it up better than any cute bullshit I can come up with.

44 For XLIV

No, this isn't an original idea. DJ Gallo probably has something very similar to this on ESPN.com, and Rick Reilly is probably figuring out how to make his list rhyme so it's considered a poem. Just go with it, alright? It's my first Super Bowl preview.

44. Freeney's Injury

Let's get the big one out of the way. It's huge. Now I'm no Adam Schefter, but I see one of two things happening: 1) Dwight doesn't play at all. 2) Dwight plays the first play or two for Willis Reed-esque inspirational purposes, then cheers from the sidelines the rest of the way. And yes, if he gets a sack and does a grimacing salute, expect my eyes to water as if I were watching the last half hour of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

This directly leads to...

43. Robert Mathis

One of my favorite Colts of the Manning era. From his animalistic jump off the line to his instincts to strip the ball (seriously, how many sack/forced fumble combos does this guy have?) Mathis has been a sheer delight to cheer for. The ultimate Robert moment for me?

All I need to do is complete this pass! Then I'll be taken seriously as an NFL quarterback! Stardom, here comes Sage!

Poor Sage never even saw the carnage coming. This one play effectively ended everyone in the world except Ma and Pa Rosenfels' faith in Sage as anything other than a punchline. Truly devastating.

42. Tom Benson Is A Hypocrite

My friend Jordan made a really good point two weeks ago: Doesn't anyone remember how badly Benson, the Saints owner, wanted to move the team away from New Orleans? He tried hard before Katrina, then played the "well, I mean come on now, now we HAVE to move" after Katrina. If he raises the Lombardi, saying, "THIS...IS FOR THE CITY OF NEW ORLEANS!" to raging applause, I'm going to vomit.

Plus, he did this.

41. Does Dungy Leave Winners?

If the Colts win, that would be the second team that went on to win the Super Bowl the next season following his departure. Of course, number 41 also represents the Super Bowl victory Dungy brought to Indy, so I'll shut up now.

40. Joseph Addai

Colts fans like to bitch about Addai's dancing, but if the Colts win, this will be the second time in Addai's four years. You'll look back on his career fondly.

39. Garcon and Collie

Vegas has Pierre Garcon and Austin Collie on the board for Super Bowl MVP candidates. You knew that at the beginning of the season, right?

38. Chad Simpson

The Colts are 1-0 this season when Simpson returns a kickoff for a touchdown. The Colts are also 15-2 when Simpson runs right into his blockers and opposing special teams players on kickoff returns. Bet accordingly.

37. Reggie Bush Drunk

Yes! Sure, it's a Tuesday and not the night before the game, but this is still hilarious. I bet a teary-eyed Matt Leinart proudly read that TMZ page like my mom did my high school diploma.

36. White Castle

A new White Castle radio commercial was all over the airways this week, where some "Plain Jane" woman apparently became "Spicy Stacy" after eating some dogshit slider or something. Consider this the REAL advertisement for White Castle, in the form of two stories, courtesy of FFGP2:

1) The last time I was at a White Castle (this will also count as the last time I ever go to a White Castle) was with two friends, who for some inexplicable reason wanted to eat there. I think they like the taste of the bottom of a dumpster a homeless man just died in. Speaking of the homeless, they were littered throughout the "restaurant" (yes, this was close to 3 AM, the hot hours for White Castle business, which should say something) and the only other patron was a loudmouth drunk who resembled a young Bill Polian. He talked our ears off about his business or real estate or something, and appeared to be a trustfund punk. He quickly became an inside joke of a character to us, therefore needing a name. We settled on Bradford Gosselin Polian.

2. The last time I actually ate White Castle, I woke up in the middle of the night and puked, shit, and had a bloody nose all at the same time. True story.

35. Kim Kardashian

What an exceptionally filthy piece of trash. She's the exact reason people hate America.

34. Saints Receivers vs. Tim Jennings

One definite worry stemming from the Freeney injury? Now the left tackle doesn't need another man helping him block, so Brees can send another receiver out. That means more Tim Jennings, which means more chest pain for me in my 40s and 50s.

33. Pete Townshend is still a sex offender

I'm sorry, I still think that's hilarious.

32. Edge of Darkness is HORRIBLE

I saw the new Mel Gibson movie opening night, hoping for buried comedic gold. Yes, it had a few laugh-out-loud nuggets, but it sucked harder than Brandon Rush's confidence after missing his first three shots. (I'm glad two, maybe three people got that Pacers reference)

There was also a baby sitting behind us. A baby. In a rated-R movie about Mel Gibson hunting down and murdering the people who murdered his daughter.

31. Rod Blagojevich "from Celebrity Apprentice" Picked The Colts

Along with the Kardashians, this is what America is coming to. This creep TRIED TO SELL A SENATE SEAT! He was going to block funding to people who didn't cooperate with his shady politics! Now he gets to be on a reality show, and even end the promo with a cute "You're fired? I've heard that before!" joke? Wow. Well, at least he went with the Colts...

This haircut should be sitting in a jail cell, not picking my favorite team to win the Super Bowl.

30. Michigan State Didn't Win For The Auto Industry

A lot of times, sports can soften harsh blows of reality. That Monday night game when the Saints re-opened the Superdome against the Falcons was unbelievable, but this isn't that game, and Peyton Manning isn't Michael Vick.

Remember just last year when Michigan State, even playing in Detroit, had a sob story from every direction? Everyone hoped they would do it for the slumping American auto industry. Guess what? They got the shit kicked out of them by a better, historically good North Carolina team. Don't count on God looking down, winking at the Saints, and waving his hands over the stadium for a Saints win.

On a related note, "Who Dat" is ridiculously stupid. Surely the Saints fans with bags on their heads had that thrown back on them so many times, you would have assumed it would have been retired.

29. "I told Reggie [Bush, boyfriend of Jenner's stepdaughter Kim Kardashian] he's under a lot of pressure because this family has very high standards. I have an Olympic gold medal, Lamar (Odom, who is married to Khloe Kardashian) has an NBA ring, so if Reggie wants in, he has to bring something to the table. He said, 'Would a ring and an MVP work?' I said, 'That will do it. We'll proudly bring you into the family then' - Bruce Jenner

Um, so what do his step-daughters have to do to meet those "high standards", besides getting with successful, rich athletes and fucking Brandy's brother?

And rumors are Bush has promised Kim he'll propose to her if the Saints win. That's like promising your idiot kid a trip to Disney World if he gets straight A's on his report card.

28. Maury Povich, for saying "I go with smarts..." in regards to his pick of Manning and the Colts

Ironic.

27. The Blind Side is up for Best Picture, Bullock for Best Actress

No, I will NEVER admit I was wrong. Sorry, it won't happen. I will admit that people are idiots. Really? This movie is up for Best Picture? And Sandra Bullock is up for Best Actress? What makes this movie any different than The Rookie, Remember the Titans, or Glory Road?

In other news, Alvin and the Chimpmunks: The Squeakquel has just passed Avatar as the highest-grossing international film of all time, and is nominated for 12,345 Academy Awards, including Best Screenplay.

The Oscars suck this year, and I may not even watch.

In other film news...

26. The Tooth Fairy is up "330%" this week according to imdb.com

What, that doesn't make sense to you?

25.



24. Pay Attention to Saints Kicker Garrett Hartley

I'm shocked he could even concentrate on that game-winning kick in the NFC Championship. Hopefully he can stay awake for the duration of the Super Bowl.

23. Dear John looks fucking terrible

Gee, I hope nobody dies or gets cancer in the latest Nicholas Sparks shitfest. What a hack.

22. Inception looks fucking awesome

Can't. Wait.

21. Quote of the Day

“Maybe she’s not the best technical singer, but she’s probably the best emotional singer because everybody else who gets up there and is technically perfect, people don’t seem to want more of it.”

~Scott Borchetta, head of Big Machine Records, on multiple Grammy winner Taylor Swift

20. Made-Up Quotes of the Day

"I totally loved The Blind Side!"

~Taylor Swift

"We, like, totally love The Blind Side and Taylor Swift!"

~America

19. Come on, now

I haven't heard one person say, "I'm just happy for the city of Indianapolis."

18. Aaron Schatz is awesome

The Football Outsiders guru recently figured the odds of two men named Pierre playing in the same Super Bowl (something like 165 million to one).

17. Raise the banner

You know who the Colts played the day they raised the banner for Super Bowl XLI? Yep, the Saints. Beat the hell out of them.

16. If you root for the Saints, you're rooting for Jeremy Shockey

15. If you root for the Colts, you're rooting for Gary Brackett

14.



13. Jerome Pathon Bowl

12. Jason David Bowl

11. Dungy's doppelganger?

When has Tony ever been like this? Let's check behind the blue vest for some wiring or smoke.

10. A fear subsided...a little

At first, the fact that EVERYONE was betting on the Colts scared the shit out of me. After the Freeney injury, the line (and public, a little anyway) have come back down.

For some reason, this matters to me.

9. What About Bob?

Remember when Bob Sanders was the key to the defense? Does anyone have a weirder career?

8. Dodging a Bullitt (Cute, right?)

Melvin has been AWESOME, yet another testimonial to Polian's genius when it comes to drafting and stocking up guys. No Bob, no problem.

7. Do you miss Marvin?

As much as I hate to say it, but haven't Garcon and Collie made more clutch playoff plays this season alone than Marvin ever did? I hate tearing someone down to make other people look better (which I'm totally doing) but other than the "he was never touched" play against Denver, what was Marvin's signature postseason feat?

And the story on SI today about how Reggie hasn't even talked to Marvin since he left Indy was truly eye-opening.

6. Give Caldwell credit

My friend Whinrey was really pissed before the season that the Colts didn't even interview a Bill Cowher or Mike Shanahan before handing the reins over to Caldwell. Worked out ok so far, huh? I disagreed on a couple huge things (which we'll get to), but the defensive and special teams coordinator shake-ups were absolutely necessary, and both home runs.

And another thing? Caldwell seems like a really, really smart guy. Whether it's dropping his English literature degree-level knowledge during a press conference, or having a staring contest with whatever he has staring contests with during games, you can count me as a fan.

5. I remember Jim Irsay getting booed

Right before announcing the plans for Lucas Oil Stadium, Jim Irsay was booed on the field. Routinely. People hated his dad and him. Not anymore.

4. Me and Thunder Dan

My friend Dan and I had season tickets for five years, yet never attended one playoff game together. We never even watched them together. Not even the Super Bowl.

This season? We finally started watching the playoffs together. Blame our futility for all of the previous years of playoff failures.

3. Pursuit of Perfection

Yes, I'm still mad. Maybe it would have been different, but just look at Freeney. He rested a lot down the stretch, and he's still not practicing because of injury with the game two days away. YOU JUST DON'T KNOW. Should have gone for history.

Oh well. Now I can just be that annoying guy the rest of my life who always claims this team went undefeated, with the classic "the only team that beat the Colts were the Colts" argument.

2. Manning

He IS Michael Jordan. He IS Joe Montana. He IS Tiger Woods. He is the greatest quarterback to ever play this game. Come Sunday night, there won't be too many people on the other side of that fence.

1. 38-24 Colts

The Prince

Go ahead. Make fun of the acne and physique. I'll enjoy watching the pounding.

On March 3, 2007, I saw a blinding light beaming from underneath a closed door. That door, now nearly three years later, is barely hinged. In a few years, it will be obliterated to shit.

That day, I was casually finishing my routine of washing dishes and folding clothes while the previous night's escorts were still asleep, a Saturday morning staple. After they awoke, were refused breakfast, and left, I turned CBS on for whatever college basketball game they were showing, and switched back and forth between chores and my "aw, look how cute, he's pretending it matters" workout regiment. Nothing like getting shit done on a lazy Saturday while watching sports.

The game: (15)Texas at (3)Kansas.

It didn't take long to realize I was watching the best college basketball player I had ever seen. It didn't take long for me to fall in love with Kevin Durant.



Many of the clips towards the beginning of that video are from the Kansas game (Durant only spent one year in college, so if it's on the court with the obnoxiously large bird on it, that's the game I'm talking about). He did whatever he wanted. He dunked. He hit 3's in guys' faces. You could even tell the Kansas student section and fans were thinking, "Holy shit, this guy is good." Anytime he got the ball behind the three point line without a hand in his face, they let out a collective "NOOOOOO!!!!!", just like these poor fools used to.

Kansas won, but Durant put up 32 points in 34 minutes on 13-22 shooting (6-8 from deep!), 9 rebounds, 4 steals, and 2 assists. He had flashier numbers in college (37-23 against Texas Tech, 37-12 against Oklahoma State, including the game-winning shot) but this was the game I remember most. Not to mention he gave laughably skinny guys everywhere hope, and took a lot of crap when he couldn't even bench press 185 pounds at the pre-draft workouts, a feat he says in the most recent SI he still can't do.

Now? Well, Kevin's not up to much. Since December 13, Durant has averaged 32.6 PPG, scoring under 30 points just four times (25, 27, 29, and 28 - and he's scored 40 or more three times), shooting 54% from the field, 54% from three point range, and 89% from the stripe. His season average is 29.7 PPG, and has double-figure rebounds in 8 of his last 13 games, all while leading the youngest team in the league to a dramatic-to-say-the-least improvement on the brink of a playoff appearance.

By the way, Kevin Durant is 21 years old.

Scoring Average at 21 Years of Age

LeBron James - 31.4

Michael Jordan - 28.2

Carmelo Anthony - 26.5

Kobe Bryant - 22.5

Not bad company, eh? Take notice.

Yes, I Got More Than One Weird Look At Work For This

Here's the story of a town named Minny

Who was dreaming up a Super Bowl parade

All of them had hair of gold, like a Viking

They had to win one game.

Here's the story of a man named Brad-y

Who was busy chauffering QBs around

There were twelve men, standing on the field

But this was not allowed.

Til the one day when this fella grew a beard

Looked like he'd invite some kids for more than lunch

Society would damn sure throw the red flag

On the pedophile and bumbling Brad-y Bunch

The Brad-y Bunch

The Brad-y Bunch

You would think twice to leave your kids with Brad-y Bunch

A New Era Begins...

Kurt, I know this is an extremely physical game. Extremely physical. But you have to understand, at 38 you're still a top five player at your position. You really are, I'm not just trying to get you to come back. You still have it in the tank. The heartache sucks, I know. I want to win that damn trophy more than anybody else on this planet, and I know you do too, son. One more season. One more. Whattya say?

Not this time, coach. I'm really done. The game's just not fun anymore. I have seven children, and everytime I'm lying there on my back after another routine bone-crushing hit, I think of Brenda. Beautiful, beautiful Brenda. Raising those kids all by her lonesome. I'm sorry, coach. It's time to walk away...

You really changed the mindset around here, coach. I respect the heck out of you for that. Thank you for letting me walk away on my terms. It's been great, and I love you. God bless.

Man, I wonder what Kurt and coach are talking about. I hope it's not how I was drunk all throughout training camp...

It's so great being back in LA! That's what the offseason is for, right? Seeing all your old buddies and getting uh-WAAAAAAA-STED! Am I right, fellas? Chest bump me! Chest bump me right now, you good lookin' mother fucker! Bein' in the NFL fucking rules!


Look, uh, Matt. We all love having you around SC. You're always family. You know that, right? You've done some great things here, nobody questions that. But, you know, Pete's not around anymore, and I don't know if Coach Kiffin appreciates you showing up around the young players like this. Practice is for drills and discipline, and, well, you have your old SC shirt on with vomit and shit all over it.


I've had a great, great career. But now, it's over. I've accomplished so much, and now I feel I can spread God's word in other places. I will strap on a helmet no more.


You bullshittin' me? Kurt's retiring? So...so I'M the starting quarterback now? Well why waste another minute! Time to put in the preparation necessary for a starting quarterback in the NFL!


Fuck yeah, ladies! Who wants a STARTING quarterback dick tonight? This ain't no benchwarmer dick anymore! USC glory days, here I come!


Alright, well if Pierre runs the sluggo, his safety should drop back in coverage, fully expecting me to loft it over top. Wayne, on the other side, is gonna run a post. Dallas is going to initially appear on a stop-and-go, freezing the linebacker for the split-second necessary to dump it off to Joseph for a reasonable gain of eight or nine on first down...


Did...didjya hear? I'm..I'm a schtartinig quar...quarter...(laughing)


True, I could drop it to Laurence in the flat, but Wes is going to give his linebacker in nickel coverage the slightest of head fakes, and since we all know a linebacker on a slot receiver, let alone the greatest slot receiver in football today, is a nightmare from a defensive perspective, I'm going to look to him first. If he's not open, Randy will be running a slant towards the right hash mark...


WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Rob Lowe and Taylor Lautner Are Colts Fans? Must Be Destiny

To me, this is what Peyton Manning's problem is. He has the work habits and dedication and obsessiveness of Jordan and Tiger Woods. But he can't deal with the accompanying preparation anxiety. The Manning face is the look of someone who has just faced up to a sobering fact: I am in complete control of this offense. I prepare for games like no other quarterback in the NFL. I am in the best shape of my life. I have done everything I can to succeed -- and I'm losing. Ohmigod. I'm not that good.

~ Author Malcolm Gladwell, explaining the Bill Simmons coined "Manning Face", in a 2006 ESPN interview


Yes, I'm all too familiar with "The Manning Face". After playoff losses to Tennessee, Miami, the Jets (41-0), New England (twice), and Pittsburgh, I thought that damn face would unfortunately be the enduring legacy of the great Peyton Manning. I defended Manning on the outside, enjoying the thrill-a-minute regular seasons, even while my bruised soul longed for Tom Brady's playoff heroics come January. The theater was full of chatterboxes and my seat was uncomfortable, but I had already purchased my ticket to Dan Marino II: The Legend of Peyton's Gold, and I was damn sure going to finish my movie.

Now? With an opportunity to win his second Super Bowl in four years less than two weeks away? Here's my definition of "The Manning Face":

That's the Manning Face. The "come on, you guys knew I would do this, right?" face. The "I was born to be the best quarterback of all time" face. Or, my personal favorite, the "aw shucks, I'm humbled - or at least putting on an act that I'm humbled, when really I know I have the natural talent, and put in more work than anyone on top of that to deserve this" face.

My favorite Manning face? Obviously this one:

Notice the similarities? This one just has a sprinkle of "fuck you" to it, like the dork who goes back to his high school reunion a millionaire married to a supermodel, snickering at his former tormentors who now paint decks and install DirecTV satellites.

I couldn't win in the playoffs, right? I'm the next Dan Marino, huh? I'm nothing but a stats guy? A regular season quarterback?

I loved the shot at Sexy Rexy and the loud mouth Jets on the podium as he accepted the Lamar Hunt Trophy, reserved for THE AFC CHAMPIONS. But hey, we knew Peyton could pop off when he wants to.

I know, I know. I'm sucking Peyton so hard, you're probably waiting for me to spit. The rest of the team has played great this postseason (minus Jacob Lacey, but I'll give him a rookie pass), reminding us all how much of a genius Bill Polian is. And kudos to Jim Caldwell. It's pretty easy to say he inherited a great team, but the defense and special teams had to be tinkered with, and he made all the right moves.

Yes, I'm still mad about the pursuit of perfection. No, it doesn't really matter now. After all, my favorite team is two weeks away from a championship.

COME ON, PAT ME ON THE DAMN BACK

AFC

MY PREDICTION: Colts 31 Jets 10

REAL SCORE: Colts 30 Jets 17

NFC

MY PREDICTION: Saints 34 Vikings 23

REAL SCORE: Saints 31 Vikings 28

What? Did you think I'd let you realize that on your own without mentioning it? Come on, now. That at least makes up for the Kings, right?

RANDOM THOUGHTS FROM A RANDOM SCHMUCK

~Every Favre hater in the world wrote the script for last night's game, right?

~Malcolm Gladwell is a genius, and knows his shit. Please don't think I'm attacking him. In his defense, here's another thing he said about Manning in a different ESPN interview:

Manning reminds me of Tom Hoving, who I write about in "Blink"; he has spent a lifetime studying and handling and thinking about ancient Greek art. One day, the curator of the Getty Museum in Los Angeles showed him a statute they had just bought for $10 million, and Hoving took one look at it and blurted out: "It's fake." In that first split second, the statue struck him as wrong. And sure enough, Hoving was right. It was a fake. When we spend a lifetime studying something that closely, what we are doing is educating our unconscious. We're developing and training our instincts, so that we can glance at a unusual situation and instantly know what it means. That's what Manning is doing by studying so much film. He's educating his on-field instincts.

What I'd love to do is to put eye-tracking goggles on him. Cognitive psychologists use these a lot: they are special glasses that track exactly what your eyes are focusing on at any given moment -- to an incredible level of detail. When you read the word "moment" in my previous sentence, for instance, did you start at the 't' and work backwards, or zero in on the middle "m" or just look at the first 'm' and then skip to the last 't'? The answer would tell me how you "read" a sentence.

I'd love to know, on this same level of detail, how Manning "reads" a defense. Does he spend a extra fraction of a second on the linebacker, or the safety? When he's playing the Ravens, does he look to Ray Lewis first, or last, or does he do something completely unexpected like not looking at Lewis at all? Are there certain schemes that he takes longer to understand? If so, what are they? And so on. Manning, for instance, probably picks up blitzes better than anyone else in football. Wouldn't you love to know what he's doing, in the face of a blitz, that -- say -- Kyle Boller isn't?

What, you mean everybody doesn't know what happens to Kyle Boller in the face of a blitz?

Manning Calmly Drinking At The End