Jesús, Que El Hombre Es Viejo

Previously, on LOST...

Dude, so you're, like, a vampire?


Not a vampire, but immortal. I just...can't die.


Dude, Richard's totally lost it. He thinks he's immortal.


Richard? Son of a bitch doesn't look a day older than 40.


I guess he, like, doesn't show his age. He says there's another immortal man on the island, but he, like, ages really fast.


You tellin' me there's someone else on this island we don't know, Stay Puft?


What the hell do you know about this?


I'm surprised it took you this long, James. There is in fact another man, of rather significant importance, on this island with...similar...immortality, besides myself and Richard. But he won't talk to me. That's why I need him to talk to you, James.


And why the hell would I do that?


Because he already tried to recruit me, James. He'll want to mold you and teach you. He expects discipline. I just want to get off this island. And I think you do, too. He'll expect four years out of you before you can even dream of leaving this place. But that's why you'll go to him. I have faith in you, James. When the time comes, you'll know what to do.


You better get me off this damn rock, Mr. Clean.


I just don't understand why he needs you to go.


I already told ya, Freckles. You ain't got to worry about me. Whoever the hell this is is probably in a damn wheelchair. You heard Hurley. This guy ages three times the normal human rate, and he's immortal. Now that sound like a good combo to you?


I can take you to him.


Alright! We been walkin' long enough. Now where the hell is he?


We're here. Just past this tree.

The Oblivious Participant

Welcome to a new segment, "The Oblivious Participant". Today's inattentive, blundering assistant:

white shoes with khakis guy [hwahyt-shoos-with-kak-ees-gahy] noun

Anytime you find one of these gems outside of a bowling alley or Catholic elementary school, consider yourself lucky!

White shoes with khakis guy is generally accompanied by any combination of the following:

A) Poofy black coat

B) Any discounted NBA jersey (i.e. Shareef Abdur-Rahim Hawks, Darius Miles Cavs)

C) Delusional sense of "laid back, yet professional" appearance

D) Copious amounts of hair gel (not applicable to shaved portions of scalp)

Do NOT attempt to confront white shoes with khakis guy under any circumstances. However if you must, do not even let WSWKG think you're looking at his girlfriend, and consider yourself lucky if a cruel verbal branding of "faggot" is the only battle scar you carry during your escape.

SPEAKING OF SHOES

These photos don't exactly do justice, but Saint Mary's center Omar Samhan wears little white socks with low-top black shoes:

It took Dan and I ten seconds to find the resemblance:

Now that you're aware, go out and enjoy it in real-time. It's simply breathtaking.

Memo To The Indiana Pacers

Stop doing this! The last three years between the months of October and February, you've shown the world you are not a competitive, nor particularly entertaining, NBA team. You've also shown you need a lot of help, and definitely need a marquee name (as all real NBA teams do) to actually start building towards anything close to a playoff team. Danny Granger is a fantastic player, but he's a second banana. To get that first banana, sometimes you must fail.

So please tell me where the logic is in suddenly winning games in March? Other teams are tanking, and yes, it's disgraceful. But if other teams are doing it (and it WORKS) for God's sake, DO IT. Where's the pride in beating another team into better lottery odds while hurting your own chances?

There are two acceptable answers for you in this draft, if avoiding relocation, fan mutiny and/or indifference, bankruptcy, or just plain fucking boredom matter to you. Several times this year the guys on TNT or NBA TV have made jokes about how they don't even want to watch the highlights of the Pacers. Thanks, guys.

Acceptable Scenario #1

Acceptable Scenario #2

I know, I know. I'm not the GM. BUT DO THIS.

It took me fucking forever to get these two guys in this dorky mock lottery. Improve your damn odds.

NBA Saturday

People constantly bitch about why the LeBrons, Kobes, and J.J. Bareas of the world don't compete in the Slam Dunk Contest. It's judgin' time!




Alright, that was pretty nice. Didn't knock me off the couch, but nice. And it won.

Here's a few contenders:




Jesus, that was in-game. Someone from NBA TV (FFGP2: Where You Get Your Facts and Sources) noticed how this dunk was INCREDIBLE back when Harold Miner did it in the contest, but LeBron did it during a freaking game.





By the way, today's blog is brought to you with limited interruption, apparently, by NoYork.com.





Oh, sweet Lord.

Who needs these guys in dunk contests? They do them in games!

HOW WEIRD IS THIS?

In an unrelated story, the combination of cameras on the benches, blogs, and smartasses has created a weird, weird world where nothing is hidden, even the slightest awkward moment amongst teammates.

In this age, if something like this happens, Deadspin or somebody else is gonna find it.



Man, that's weird. More power to Josh Smith if that's how he feels, but that's certainly a peculiar way to go about it. And if that's not what side he's on in the layup drill, that's even weirder.

Formal Apology(?) to Joshua Clottey

Fake Field Goal Pass 2 would kinda-sorta like to issue an apology to boxer Joshua Clottey. On March 13, Mr. Clottey "fought" Manny Pacquiao in the first significant match at Jerry Jones's Palace in Dallas, and I said some questionable things as the fight progressed.

Had respected contemporaries - such as, oh, Skip Bayless - said something remotely similar to any of this, they would swiftly and certainly be reamed by this very website. I hold myself to these same standards - and then some.

The quotes in question:

1. "Go to hell, Clottey. Go to hell for everything you've done for the sport and your pride, Joshua."

A bit much.


2. "Clottey is a pussy, and I would call him that to his face."


Official retraction, Joshua!


3. "Ghana must really need money, because all Clottey is doing is collecting a paycheck."

On the surface, this appears really stupid. And it is. I understand Ghana is desperately poor, yet my anger towards Clottey's strategy transformed me. My sincere apologies to Ghana, even though no one from Ghana will ever read or hear about this, ever.


4. "Worst fight I've ever watched. Clottey should be ashamed. I've always wondered, 'What would I do if I could get millions of dollars to be in a boxing match?' It would be to do nothing but block. That's exactly what Clottey did. Shame on you, you fucking bum."

Originally I was going to apologize for this. How could you blame or make fun of someone for doing exactly what you would do in that specific situation?

Eh, I'm gonna go ahead and stand by that one. That's his job, and a richly rewarded (not counting the Monday detail long-term physical and mental health defects) one at that.

Cleveland, Are You Ready?

You ready, boys? We've suffered enough, and now? Our time has come. Civilization will look back upon the year 2010 and remember it fondly as the beginning of The Holmgren Era in Cleveland.


Without further ado, a man who certainly needs no introduction, the new president of the Cleveland Browns, Mike Holmgren.


HOLM-GREN! HOLM-GREN! HOLM-GREN! HOLM-GREN!


I've been up here for two seconds and I'm already sick of losing. How about you?


Yeeeeeeaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!! HOLM-GREN! HOLM-GREN! HOLM-GREN! HOLM-GREN!


You wanna meet your coach? The man deemed by me, Czar Holmgren, as ready to lead Brown Nation to the promised land? You wanna meet him?


Yeeeeeeaaaaaahhhhhh!!!! Let's meet him! I wanna see his face! Who is it?


It's Eric Mangini!


Well, I mean, um, well I guess...I guess if the Czar says...huh.


Guess what? I shitcanned Brady Quinn! Who wants that pretty boy pussy as a backup quarterback? You wanna meet your NEW backup quarterback? Huh? Do ya?


Yeeeeeeaaaaahhhhh!!!!!


Say hello to...Seneca Wallace!


But...I thought...I thought he was the czar...I thought...we'd be getting better...I thought...


I'moh throw this bottle! I'moh throw this bottle right now!


Just tell us Derek Anderson is gone! Please! For the love of God!


Oh Lord, yes. I jettisoned that bum with every fiber in my being. I said, I said, "See that door?" I said that! So you probably want to know who's gonna start? Don't ya? Let me hear ya, Browns fans!


Yeeeeeeaaaahhhh!!!! Who is it? Who's our leader on the field? The extension of the Great Czar Holmgren?


With fresh ink on a two year deal, your starting quarterback, JAKE DELHOMME!!!

How To Pretend You Know About College Basketball

Ever wanted to sound like ESPN's Hubert Davis or Steve Lavin? Do you want random strangers at bars to ask you how your bracket is doing, and - even better - impress said serendipitous drunkards with your otherworldly knowledge and highlighted marks of bracket success? Just follow these steps!


1) ALWAYS say how tall a player is whenever you mention him. Obviously you pay attention if you know height, right?

Example: "Duke's Kyle Singler, a 6'8" forward, can play inside, he can play outside. He's gonna be really tough to handle."

What NOT To Do: "Duke's Kyle Singler can play inside or outside. He's gonna be really tough to handle."

NOTE: Another unspoken rule is also brought up here. "Inside and outside" sounds like you know your shit. Try saying it!


2) Pick all the #1 seeds to make the Final Four, then try not to laugh when ESPN or some other major sports network, publication, or website refers to you as one of their "experts".

Example: "Well, I have Kansas, Syracuse, Kentucky, and Duke advancing to the Final Four."

What NOT To Do: "Well, I have Ohio State, Syracuse, Kentucky, and Baylor advancing to the Final Four."


3) Never, under any circumstances, admit that you haven't seen one of the 64 teams' games this season.

Example: "Temple's gonna have a hard time with Cornell. Didn't you see the way they beat the fuck out of La Salle back on December 29th?"

What NOT To Do: "I've never seen Cornell play. What state do they play in again?"