I'm Naming My Future Daughter Daughtry

Author's note: Sorry for the lack of posts lately. I've been really busy, and haven't found the necessary time to entertain ideas for a free blog read by my friends that I don't get paid for. Thank you for your understanding.


"Fan", when used in the sports sense, is a pretty good word, right? As Colin Cowherd always hammers home, it's short for fanatic, and it's often very easy to understand why that is.

"Voting" is a pretty cool word too, right? It lays the groundwork for democracy, and makes everyone feel like their pitiful, meaningless voice counts (as do sports blogs).

Two cute words! Now let's put them together...

Fan voting.

Ewwwwww. Isn't it amazing how two ordinarily tame words, while innocent alone, become vicious cocksuckers when put together? Like two drunks in a cage?

Take two examples: NBA All Star voting and American Idol.

I know, I know. The voting for the NBA All Star game has been hammered before, but has it changed? Nope. So this is still relevant. And American Idol? Well, I admit, I don't watch that show. Unfortunately, my brain overdeveloped while I was in the womb, forming what doctors refer to as a "fecal navigator":


This rare condition allows my brain to determine what's shit, forcing me to avoid any confrontation with sub-standard human activity. If I refuse to listen to my fecal navigator, as was the case when I saw Adam Sandler's Click at the drive-in, my appendages swell to roughly eight times their normal size and my eyes fill with blood.

(Fact: I was contractually-obligated-by-girlfriend to watch the second season all the way through. So yes, I can comment on it. By the end of the season, my poor hazels resembled this.)

So what's wrong exactly with the fan voting for these two all-sizzle, no-steak sideshows? Let's see...

If the NBA All Star game were today, Tracy McGrady would start for the West, while Allen Iverson would start for the East. In case you don't remember, Iverson couldn't even start for the Grizzlies, and opted to retire instead of coming off the pine. He then signed with Philly (his first team, and probably the only one who would sign him, most likely just to spike putrid ticket sales) and is averaging almost 15 points a game. Respectable, but nothing compared to what Rajon Rondo has done with the Celtics, or Mo Williams on the Cavs, or Derrick Rose, or...well, just about anybody other than T.J. Ford.

McGrady has been out almost all season (though it seems more like three seasons) and has scored 19 points...total. The Rockets have sent him on indefinite leave from the team while they try to trade him. Sounds like an All Star to me! Oh well, there's no one else that could start at guard alongside Kobe for the West, what with the conference's lack of good-to-great point guards and everything.

And if Kevin Durant doesn't make the team again, a riot will happen in downtown Indianapolis and everyone will wonder why.

So how does this tie in with American Idol, a show that relies on fan voting for its existence, not just a meaningless exhibition game? Well, you tell me:

Winners of American Idol

Kelly Clarkson
Ruben Studdard
Fantasia Barrino
Carrie Underwood
Taylor Hicks
Jordin Sparks
David Cook
Kris Allen

Wait, is this a list of people chosen by America to win a recording contract and instant fame, or the work schedule posted in the back room of Qdoba? Where the FUCK is 75% of this list today? Does anyone really care about the person who wins, or just the process in which they are selected? I always ask people I know who love the show if they'll buy the winner's album or see them on tour. They always say no. Fascinating.

Something else that's fascinating? Why anyone that's not a cute white girl even tries out. They won't give a shit about you, even if you win. Just ask Taylor Hicks the next time they forget to put the Horsey sauce in your bag and you have a few minutes to awkwardly chat in the Arby's drive-thru line.

(And don't rush to wake up those dreamer Idol fans, but those "hilarious" acts that Simon kicks out? They're staged. By FOX. Like watching a normal, scripted TV show.)

And yes, numerous members of my friends and family love this show, and I don't think they're idiots. I just really don't get it. So I just ignore it, right? Like everyone else that hates it? Nope. I write about it like a 14-year old, and compare it to a basketball game.

So...why are you reading this again?

But hey, it did give us Chris Daughtry, right?

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"That's a huge compliment for me. They sold five million albums last year. Compare me all day to people like that! It gives me hope."

Chris Daughtry, on Nickelback

This guy is a REAL person. He REALLY exists. He's breathing out there right now, as you're reading this. And he's a millionaire. Kill me.