The Sharpshooter Is Locked...

Sometimes you can just see when a legend's career is done. Marvin Harrison clearly lost a step after his knee injury, and Jerry Rice couldn't even make the cut on the Broncos, whose leading receivers at the time were Rod Smith and Ashley Lelie. Shaq's dragging us through it right now, and Allen Iverson thinks he isn't, but he is. When your days are done, they're just done, whether you come to terms with it or not.

Unfortunately, sometimes athletes refuse to admit this, and it gets embarrassing. Take two men who don't know how to say no, when they clearly should be saying no: Mike Tyson and Bret "The Hitman" Hart.

I did something last night I'm none too proud of: watched the last hour or so of WWE's Monday Night Raw.

Wait! Don't exit this window! Hear me out!

I grew up a professional wrestling FANATIC, as did way too many of my friends. Would I be the editor of the Harvard newspaper had I never watched wrestling? A doctor? College professor? Maybe. Perhaps if I cared about anything during the school week other than what would happen on Raw Monday night, or Smackdown Thursday night, or a pay-per-view Sunday night, I'd be a little further along. And I'm not alone.

Anyways, I saw Tyson and Hart would be on, so I wanted to see just how far the product had fallen. Let's just say the distance is greater than the rafters and a turnbuckle. If professional wrestling were pure heroin in the 1990's, it's since been stepped on with baking soda and rat poison.

Wow. I mean, WOW. Ever since the whole "hey, let's pretend to fight and script the outcome!" idea was born, people have made fun of it. I get that. But this...this was HORRID. I would rather work in an early 1900's industrial factory than watch wrestling again. Actually, I would rather watch a sex tape of my parents with my parents than watch wrestling again.

I know it's hard to believe what I'm about to say, but Tyson was embarrassing. Anytime he's doing anything in front of people, it's going to be awkward and horrific. His acting in The Hangover was painful...and he was playing Mike Tyson. The man has a tattoo on his face.

"Fathinating."

Want to imagine something that's never going to happen? Tyson as an old man in a coffin. Whether it's an overdose of a thousand different bizarre prescriptions, or a white tiger attack, or a murder-suicide, is there ANY doubt Mike Tyson dies weirdly, and at a reasonably young age? Any doubt in your mind at all? There's none in mine. He'll die, and we'll all reflect on how no one did anything to help him, and we'll coddle his memory for a couple weeks, at least until the magazines with his face on the cover stop selling by the registers at supermarkets. His upbringing is a sad story, his fall from grace is a sad story, and his death will unquestionably be a sad story.

I know what you're thinking. "But Matt, how can someone so charismatic and good with words embarrass himself on live television? And it's not like he oddly surrounded himself with memorabilia celebrating his dead career...right?" Ummmm...

What are the odds he's said that exact phrase to a woman in the early 90's?

And yet, Mike may not even be the saddest story in his own episode of RAW.

Bret "The Hitman" Hart, my favorite wrestler for a good portion of the early 90's, made a guest appearance in the WWE. No big deal, right? Just a legendary wrestler showing up at his old stomping grounds? Well, not exactly.

To anyone unfamiliar with the Hart story, WWE owner Vince McMahon (my vote for the most evil, immoral businessman of the 20th century) publicly screwed Bret out of a match everyone agreed beforehand Bret would win. Oh well, right? Wrestling's always scripted. At least that was the worst thing Vince ever did to the Hart family.

Yeah, about that. Bret's brother, Owen Hart, died during a pay-per-view when his harness snapped and he fell from the rafters to his death. Like, real dead, not wrestling dead. McMahon promptly ended the pay-per-view, right? Wait, what? He didn't? He said the show must go on, despite a death? Awwwwwkward. I'm going to start a rumor right now that McMahon was even happier one less hand dipped in the take at the end of the event.
And yet, Hart still crawled back, just long enough for him to stand in the ring so McMahon could kick him in the nuts. Unreal.

Imagine greeting St. Peter at the pearly gates...wearing this.

I recently went to Bret Hart's official website, and, no shit, you can book him for personal appearances. Anyone want in with me on a weeknight at the Holiday Inn, listening to a tearful Bret Hart recollect his personal memories in between snorts of a powerful Vicodin/cocaine concoction?

Both of these men are sad, sad characters. Let's pay attention to the tragedy while they're both still alive.