Take The Under

Saturday, January 8, 2010

Man, if only I could bet on the NFL. Why, I'd never have to work a day in my life! I could just sit back and watch the game...for a living!

If only those bookmakers weren't so smart with their exact lines. If only I had an advantage to beat them at their own game!

Oh well, I guess I'll just go to my 9-5 art museum job, where nothing supernatural at all will occur, and dream of a life as a rich, successful sports gambler...

Witness Mr. Matthew Strosnider, a charter member in the fraternity of dreamers. A bookish little man whose passion is the Sunday line, but it was conspired against by a credit card limit, and a girlfriend, and a world full of savvy bookmakers, and the unrelenting hands of a clock. But in just a moment, Mr. Strosnider will enter a world without any financial limit or sound gridiron logic, for he will discover the key to victory. Of course, this key only turns...in the Twilight Zone.

(Dun-DUN-duuhhhhhn-doo-doo-doo-doo)

Dude, you're never going to believe what I found! It's a piece of paper...from the future! It says it's from January 11. That's this coming Monday!

And it's not just some boring stationery, either. It has things written on it! Like, statistics from tomorrow and Sunday's wild card games! I'm going to use this information, bet on the games, and become a millionaire! After all, everyone says quarterback play and controlling the ball by running the clock matters in the playoffs, right? Well, check these out:

CEDRIC BENSON WILL RUN FOR 169 YARDS (AN EIGHT YARDS PER CARRY AVERAGE) AND SCORE A TOUCHDOWN AGAINST THE JETS

MICHAEL VICK WILL HAVE A QB RATING OF 135.4 AGAINST THE COWBOYS

JOE FLACCO WILL GO 4-11 FOR 34 YARDS AND AN INTERCEPTION (A QB RATING OF 10.0) AGAINST THE PATRIOTS, WHILE WES WELKER'S REPLACEMENT, JULIAN EDELMAN, WILL SCORE TWO TOUCHDOWNS

AARON RODGERS WILL THROW FOR 422 YARDS AND FOUR TOUCHDOWNS AGAINST THE CARDINALS

I'm sitting on a goldmine! I would be doing a disservice by not betting on the Bengals, Eagles, Pats, and Packers! Vegas, here I come!

Monday, January 11, 2010

No! No! It's unfair! It's unfair! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

The best laid plans of over/unders, and Mr. Strosnider, the thin man with the dumb blog, who asked very little of life. Who wanted nothing but a slight advantage, only a moment out of an eon of moments, a mere instant out of eternity...for a tip. Matthew Strosnider, now just part of the landscape, smashed beyond all recognition. Just another piece of rubble, a fragment of what man has deeded - to himself, in the Twilight Zone.

(Actually, I didn't bet on one game this weekend - and I loved every second of it. I looked at every game, dissected it a hundred times, and always came up with a hundred different outcomes. Sometimes the best bets are the ones you don't make. At least that's what I'm gathering from everyone I know who gambled this weekend.)