Fake Field Goal Pass Two: What, You Mean YOU'VE Never Found a Girl in a Ditch on New Year's Night?

I swear on Peyton Manning's health in the upcoming playoffs the following is true:

The first time I "saw" OMG The Hangover was at my friend Nick's apartment a couple months ago. I arrived in the middle of the movie (which was a bootlegged version on his computer, where the dubbing was annoyingly off) and left with a vote of "eh". Since I don't normally criticize films until I see the first half, complete with normal dubbing, I reserved judgment.

Which brings us to January 1, 2010. One of my best friends, Matty McPike, was in town from Atlanta (yep, the one who wants to savagely pound Diana Taurasi the way the Frenchman fucks Diane Lane in the hallway in Unfaithful) and we went to his sister and brother-in-law's house for a relaxing night of adults unwinding and watching a movie. That movie turned out to be OMG The Hangover.

While I love both Galifianakis and Helms, and did have 3-4 big laughs, I still thought the movie was pretty "eh". Was it Bradley Cooper? Was it the "BEST COMEDY EVER" hype? Was it the fact that whenever the movie was mentioned anyone within a five mile radius dipped their hand in Bath & Body Works Eucalyptus Spearmint massage oil and feverishly masturbated? Maybe. Probably, actually. But an OMG The Hangover review is not what I'm about to write.

OMG The Hangover was about to become an ultimate reality for two terribly strange men named Matthew.

The time: 1:30 AM. The place: The Decatur Central area.

So Matt's driving his mom's car and I'm in the passenger seat. We're literally 15 seconds away from his house when we see something lying in the ditch outside my window. After 20 seconds of "Was that a person?" and "Should we go back?" at a stop sign, we decide to turn around. Sure enough, a fucking GIRL is lying in the ditch. At 1:30 in the morning. In ten degree weather. Without a coat on.

We roll the window down:

Are you OK?

She was dead.

Just kidding.

Her (Incredibly slurred speech)

Who are you? It's cold.

At this point, we realize her pants are halfway down (not creepily, but her ass was definitely showing) and she's wearing a Twilight hoodie. If I were Edmund Kemper and Matt were Gary Ridgway, we would have high-fived while salivating. Luckily for her (and us), we're not.

It continued:

Do you need a ride somewhere? You probably shouldn't stay out much longer like that, you know.

Her

Sure.

If she were Aileen Wuornos, she would have high-fived herself while salivating. Luckily for us (and her), she's not. She then tried getting up.

You know how a baby deer tries to stand? Real frail and pathetic, only to keep falling back down? Let's just say a baby deer and Vin Baker were standing next to the road laughing at this poor girl trying to stand and walk to the car.

She's now in the car, and actually kind of "little sister" cute. Dark hair, dark eyes, and eight pounds of eyeliner. And the previously mentioned Twilight hoodie.

Her

Just go up this road.

Me (Noticing a purse right next to where she was lying)

Hey, is that your purse out there?

Her

No.

But...there's a purse out there. Right next to where you were lying. There's no one else outside right now, or even close to where we are.

Her

That's not my purse.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh-kay. So it's not her purse. I'll go with that. After "go(ing) up this road" for a few minutes, she informed us we were going in the wrong direction. Gee. Thanks.

I wanted answers, damnit.

All we got from her was that she was 18 (I guess she could have passed for that, but I would have guessed 15-17) and from California. When someone is lying, isn't "18" and "California" the first two responses that pop up in the bullshit database?

So...are you just, like, really drunk or something?

Her

Long story.

Well, would you like to tell your 'long story' back in the ditch?

Just kidding again. I didn't say that. I guess I shouldn't joke so much, considering something serious could have happened to this poor girl. Or is it because I wouldn't want to lose my precious credibility on my prestigious Blogger account? I'll let you decide.

So she points out a house about two minutes away from the ditch and we drop her off. I think she said "thank you", I don't really remember. It's just Matt and I now.

Let's go back and get the purse...

PART TWO COMING TOMORROW

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