The ReScream Team

More than any other sport, a basketball team needs chemistry. All the cliches of basketball are cliches for a reason: they're just true. A team does need to be a well-oiled machine. A team does need to function as one. And above all else, a basketball team does need to consist of ruthless, cold-blooded killers (of the mortal or supernatural variety) that can strangle, stab, and decapitate in between layup drills and sprints. Therefore, I (putting my GM hat on) have put together a team I believe to be invincible, though I have included a scouting report on the starting five. They would without a doubt top ESPN's ridiculously stupid and invaluable Power Rankings. Without further adieu:

THE STARTING FIVE

Point Guard: Fred Krueger
School: THE Ohio State University

Strengths: Great size for a point guard. Blazing speed. Explosive athlete. Incredible leaper. Finishes strong above the rim. Great ball-handler. Very good in transition. Great passer. Very good shot blocker for a point guard. Long arms.

Weaknesses: Needs to improve his outside shot. Got charged with child abduction, molestation, and murder his senior year of high school. Knives for fingers. Turns the ball over too much. Needs to become a better defender.

Shooting Guard: Jack Torrance
School: Stovington

Strengths: Good size and strength. Very good ball-handler. Extremely aggressive. Used to being in the spotlight. 6'10" wingspan. Good pull-up jumper.

Weaknesses: Questionable attitude. Bad shot-selection. History of domestic abuse. Isn't outstandingly quick or athletic.

Small Forward: Michael Myers
School: Smithsgrove

Strengths: Big and strong. Huge wingspan. Overpowers defenders in the post. Can dribble the ball well for a big man. Good passer. Great shot blocker. Has range on his jumper.

Weaknesses: Not super-athletic or an explosive leaper. Needs to improve his conditioning. Post moves are still raw. Obsessed with killing his half-sister. Anger management issues.

Power Forward: Jason Voorhees
School: Crystal Lake Community College

Strengths: Explosive athlete. Powerful in the post. Good hands. Finishes strong above the rim. Terrific shot blocker. Good rebounder. Left handed (not pictured). Seven-foot wingspan. Championship experience.

Weaknesses: Still very inexperienced. Poor free throw shooter. Needs to add more weight/strength for the NBA. Can't get over that one time he drowned as a child.

Center: Leatherface
School: Homeschooled

Strengths: Long arms. Extremely athletic. Explosive athlete. Great shot blocker. Strong physique. Good in the post. Great rebounder. Has the potential to play on the wing and in the paint. Nice hands for a big man. Quick.

Weaknesses: Still inexperienced and raw. Needs to improve his footwork. His ball-handling has improved but it still needs more work. Sometimes when the calls don't go his way, he has these, well, the only noise we can compare it to is a squealing pig. Needs to add a little weight to play the post in the pros.

RESERVES

The Thing - Shooting Guard

That Zombie From 28 Days Later That Kind Of Looks Like Michael Irvin - Point Guard

Billy Loomis - Point Guard

Norman Bates - Small Forward

Graf Orlok - Shooting Guard

Jame "Buffalo Bill" Gumb - Small Forward

HEAD COACH

This one took some doin'. My first thought was Mrs. Voorhees, Jason's mother. Good motivator, good drive. But this isn't some stupid gimmick, like the WNBA, this is a real team! So next was Dr. Sam Loomis, but if he couldn't even get Myers under control, how's he going to coach this team? So obviously, the choice was:

Zombie Mike Krzyzewski


We got next.