A Fever Is Not Contagious

Disclaimer: The author would like to remind everyone he is an avid supporter and firm believer in the idea that if you love someone, gay or straight, you should be allowed to marry that person and spend your lives happily together. He finds it repulsize that society tries to determine who can and cannot be recognized as lovers by outdated philosophy and downright bigotry. With that said, certain members of society are simply easier targets for jokes. Enjoy.

GUY IN 1996 WHO IS NOW BROKE #1

Gentlemen, thank you for meeting me. Have you all checked your AOL mailboxes? I have a splendid idea for a new sport.

GUY IN 1996 WHO IS NOW BROKE #2

No, sorry. My wife was on the phone all morning with her mother, so I couldn't take advantage of our dial-up internet. Oh, by all means, do tell! Sport equals money, and I'm ready to start printing it! Bring on the next great American pasttime!

GI1996WINB #1

Alright then. It's a professional basketball league.

GI1996WINB #2

If I'm not mistaken, don't we already have the NBA? The ABA has been extinct for 20 years, my friend. Going head-to-head with Stern is suicide!

GI1996WINB #1

We're not going head-to-head with Stern. As a matter of fact, he's in bed with the idea. All we need is a name...

GI1996WINB #2

Well, let's see. It's like the National Basketball Association...just for women.

***15 minutes of silent contemplation***

GUY IN 1996 WHO IS NOW BROKE #3

...how about, um, the Women's National Basketball Association?

Yep, I did it. Two tickets to the WNBA Finals featuring the hometown Indiana Fever and Phoenix Mercury opened up at work, and I, without shame, claimed them as fast as I could. A title in Indy? One I can actually attend? And tell my grandchildren I was there?

(The previously mentioned conversation, in the year 2059)

Me:

Oh, I was there, that brisk October night way back in '09, when Tamika, Katie, and the gals took home the prestigious WNBA title from Diana Taurasi, whom your Great-Uncle Matt McPike finds inexplicably attractive, and the rest of those pesky Phoenix Mercury. Yep, saw it with my own eyes. And did I mention your Great-Uncle Matt McPike finds that hardcourt beast Taurasi attractive? I'm talking, like, top ten attractive! I have? Taunt him for your ol' Grandpa, will ya?

Future Grandchild:

Mom, Papaw's talking about that WNBA again! What is it? I wanna know what it is!

Future Daughter:

Honey, let's get away from Papaw.

(Grabs grandchild's hand)

The WNBA is dead, ok, Dad? That game you went to was the last game in the league's existence. You just confuse her with that talk. When are you gonna get it? When are you gonna get it?

(Sobbing)

What mom saw in you I will never know...

Me:

***Pissing myself***

Future Evidence

To keep the "maybe this is annoying for you, I don't know" dialogue theme of today's story, you need to know two conversations that occured before my friend Dan and I entered Conseco Fieldhouse for our potential date with Y-chromosomed destiny.

Of course, I had to do some research about the league before attending it's championship, so I sought out my boss Brett. Brett, a gay man, is my go-to guy on all homosexual affairs:

Me:

So I know the Fever have a big following in the lesbian community. Does the gay community get into the WNBA at all?

Brett:

I'm happy for them, but I don't really follow football to begin with.

Say no more, Brett!

The second conversation happened in my car as Dan (who willingly agreed to go with me) and I were parking, like an hour before attending a championship event in a professional sport:

Dan:

So, do they play, like, halves or quarters?

Me:

(Shrugging shoulders)

Let the game begin!

As we were walking to the stadium, encountering a woman selling hand-made beaded necklaces with Fever player's names on them, and a scalper wearing this, we passed by the The Pub. Want to get an idea of what The Pub looked like a half hour before the game? Imagine if Ellen Degeneres, Melissa Etheridge, and Rachel Maddow were all signing autographs and giving away buzzcuts and flannel shirts at a casino owned by Chaz Bono. Wah lah! Welcome to The Pub! Needless to say, we were checked out a combined zero times walking by.

If you will, allow me to ask a question: Why do certain lesbians dress like dudes? Aren't you a lesbian to begin with because you want to have sex with women? Surely you could just find a guy with a short haircut, a plaid shirt, and jeans, right? Is it the ironic thrill of yanking off a burly man's Wranglers in the heat of passion to find a vagina? These are the thoughts that run through my head at the WNBA Finals.

Inside Conseco, however, was a slightly different story. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't expecting 15,000 of the manliest women Indianapolis had to offer, and the other 1,000 being middle-aged men in trench coats, sweatpants, and sunglasses. What awaited us were...families. Lots of kids. Um, normal people. Sure, there were plenty of homosexuals attending the game, but when you're expecting a downpour and it only sprinkles, you're a tad disappointed.

Were the true fans pushed out by the bandwagon jumpers?

Oh yeah, was there a game? Yes. Yes there was. WNBA apologists always break out the "it's fundamental basketball at its best!" defense whenever their precious league is threatened (note: this is every second of every day). I would argue: No, it's really not. I get it that it's not flashy, simply because it can't be, but that doesn't make it more structured or fun to watch. The shot selection was TERRIBLE, just dreadful, and all the homeless people living underneath the bridge on Pennsylvania south of the stadium would have a new home if we collected the bricks. I lost count of how many fastbreaks were ruined by a bad pass or a non-pass that should have been made. At one point, after the Fever embarrassingly screwed up a 2-on-1, Dan said, "I would have left after that fast break. If this weren't the Finals, I would have left." One thing he did notice was how much the Fever coach looks like George Washington:

Alright, girls. Run some suicides while I powder my wig.

And granted, I can't judge the entire league based on one game. But this was the championship! Shouldn't this be the best brand of basketball the league can offer? If so, it won't offer it very much longer.

What I'm about to say will rub a lot of people the wrong way (just go with me, please, that "a lot of people" read this). You know what the WNBA reminded me a lot of? Men's college basketball. It's mostly under the rim (100% in the WNBA), a lot of passing, and a lingering thought of "I just don't think these are the best players in the world". Now I don't know about you, but that's why I watch sports to begin with. I want to see the best of the best, otherwise it's almost a waste of time. I don't want to see players struggling to learn the game, or bench players you think you could beat. If you give me 10 games to watch between NBA and college, I'll take the NBA 9.5 times. I just would. A lot of people say the NBA regular season doesn't matter, or that the athletes dog it and don't play defense, but I know every Cavs game there's a chance for LeBron to do something unheard of. I know that Kobe could score 81 points again. I just don't have that chance with college or the WNBA.

Oh yeah, back to the game. The Fever lost, so the series heads back to Phoenix. No championship for myself or Indianapolis. Here's hoping for a victory on Friday, but I wouldn't put money on me watching it.

The impeccable view from the FFGP2 Luxury Box

P.S.

If you get a chance, make sure to walk around Conseco just to check out the old Pacer team photos. You'll never know who will turn up!

Anton Sigur