Are you guys watching the same ridiculous movie I am? You know, the one where the tennis player and the golfer are the most talked-about, controversial athletes of the year? I know, right! Like anybody's gonna believe that!Really? This is where we've come to? A sex-addicted golfer and meth-head tennis player? Is this the intro to Sportscenter or a lazy SNL skit written by Finesse Mitchell?
And if we've learned anything about sports in 2008-2009, isn't it that drugs don't hinder your performance at all?
1. Michael Phelps (Swimming) - Marijuana - 8 Gold Medals
2. Tim Lincecum (Baseball) - Marijuana - 2 NL Cy Youngs
3. Andre Agassi (Tennis) - Crystal Meth - 60 Career Titles
4. Tiger Woods (Golf) - Sex on Ambien - 14 Major Titles
5. Allegedly 80% of the NBA (Basketball) - Marijuana - 62 NBA Championships
6. Grady Sizemore (Baseball) - Semen - Loose Rectum
One is a joke. A sad, depressing joke.
(Of course the joke is that while Agassi was on meth, he was a terrible tennis player. Therefore, he doesn't count.)
So start giving those little-leaguers pot, parents! Teach those tykes how to fuck on Ambien! They'll make you millions!
And are we really that surprised at Tiger? If you looked like this in 1994 and had no money, compared to this in 2009 with a billion dollars, you don't think your ass roster would improve significantly? He's the kid that got picked on his whole life, then could suddenly point at three beautiful women, saying, "You, you, aaaaaaand you" and they'd follow him to the clubhouse bathroom. I'm not defending it, but it's easy for a person to judge what's right and wrong when they'll NEVER be in Tiger's situation.
And do we really need the 911 call from "we don't know, it's either Elin or her sister" to lead Sportscenter? Do we REALLY need the footage of Tiger's mother-in-law on a stretcher being wheeled out of the ambulance into the hospital? For stomach pains?
You know when the best part of this whole thing was? Right after the accident. A friend and I sent emails back and forth, speculating on what really happened. That was the best part because you knew once the stories got out, ESPN and TMZ wouldn't shut the hell up about it. Imagining a little more is always better than getting too much.
I'm sorry to waste your time with yet another Tiger story, it's just over the top and annoying. But of course I'll keep looking at the pictures.
And now, a new segment called...
PEOPLE ARE TALKING
(Unreal conversations I have encountered in the past week)
Colt Fan #1
I'm kinda worried. Are you?
Colt Fan #2
Yeah, I'm pretty worried. Tennessee's played pretty good lately.
Colt Fan #1
What are you are on The Worried Scale?
Colt Fan #2
Probably about a six and a half.
Colt Fan #1
Out of ten?
Colt Fan #2
Out of seven.
Colt Fan #1
Oh, OK! I was gonna say, "That's not very worried!"
Who goes to seven? Does anyone reading this rank from 1-7? On anything?
LORD OF THE DANCE
Woman
Yeah, I've got a private lunch in (NAME WITHELD)'s office at 1 pm. Maybe I could tapdance for him? It is a bit of a holiday party.
Man
I can tap. Pretty good, actually. Classically trained.
Woman
Yeah? Can you tap to any Christmas songs?
Man
I only know around 450-500 songs, but actually, like, 90% of them are Christmas songs.
Woman
Wow! No kidding? Would you want to join me on something?
Man
Sure! What songs did you have in mind?
Woman
Well, maybe, like, "Little Drummer Boy"?
Man
(The "No, I don't know that one" face)
Woman
OK. How about, um, "Jingle Bells"?
Man
(Nervous giggling)
Sorry.
Woman
"Jingle Bell Rock"?
Man
I have to be honest, most of the Christmas songs I know aren't traditional American Christmas songs. They're German Christmas songs.
Woman
Like "O Tanenbaum"?
Man
("No, I don't know that one" face)
And that was all I heard.
QUOTES OF THE WEEK
"Ever since I quit drinkin' 12 years ago, I started doin' crossword puzzles." ~ Minnesota Vikings quarterback Brett Favre, to Cris Collinsworth, completely taken out of context.
"BUHHHHHHLLLL-SHIT! BUHHHHHHLLLL-SHIT!" ~ The classiest fan in the history of sport. The Bullshit Guy, man who starts the "Bullshit" chant towards the officials in a packed stadium full of children, as well as people that most certainly do not share, nor come close to sharing, his sensibilities.
"If I play for the Giants, or if I play for Buffalo, or if I play for anybody, my hatred for the Cowboys will remain the same because as a kid I just never liked the Cowboys. No one ever did anything to me. It's just that I took the team that a lot of people loved and that was the one I disliked."
"I'm not a fan of Tony Romo. I don't think he's that good a passer, to be honest with you."
"I hate the Cowboys with a bloody passion."
~ all by New York Giants running back Brandon Jacobs
"My girl cheated on me. I don't care about the past, I care about the present. I don't care who she's been with, she's with ME now!" ~ Guy talking out loud in the library, who's already suffered two nosebleeds in the last fifteen minutes
"Now it is YOU who gets FUCKED!" ~ My old neighbor (in a fit of rage) on the phone with his girlfriend, overheard through my window. Sorry, just reminded me of it. Hi-fucking-larious.
NO ASSEMBLY REQUIRED
Ok, come on now. That's not fair. The millions (and millions) of loyal followers deserve better. They come here expecting more.
Oh, please. That's hardly any better. You took yesterday off after promising one NBA coach a week. Don't you feel lazy? Deceitful?
There you go.
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