Ho Ho 13-And-O (Sports Section Selected Title)

Indianapolis Colts coach Jim Caldwell, seen here teaching three-time MVP Peyton Manning the invaluable "make your khakis hug the outline of your dick" offensive formation.

Yes! Yes! Yes! The starters are playing!

Anyone else already seeing the Polian "hey, we said they would play. Is the first drive of the game not playing?" loophole? The "hey, winning every single game was never one of our goals when we broke camp" rhetoric? Let's hope not. This is absolutely the right thing to do for this team, this season.

Go for it.

THE PHOTO SHOOT OF PRESIDENT ZACHARY TAYLOR, HIS VICE PRESIDENT MILLARD FILLMORE, AND SOON-TO-DIE JOHN C. CALHOUN

Photographer

Mr. Fucking President! Talk about a portrait! Very, very distinguished, sir. The tie? The buttons? Sure, those were expected. But the stern, thoughtful window into your soul?

Zachary Taylor

Thank you, young man. That's awfully kind. It's a beautiful photograph.

Photographer

The definition of elegance, Mr. President.

Photographer's Assistant

I believe Vice President Fillmore is next.

Photographer

Watch out, puss-say! It's Mil-lard Fill-more!

Millard Fillmore

(Laughing) Cut it out, now. You for real?

Photographer

I have to put half my body under sweltering black tarp in order to shoot this ever so crude photograph. Why would I lie?

Millard Fillmore

Yeah? The ladies gonna like that I'm sitting down?

Photographer's Assistant

I believe, um, former Vice President John C. Calhoun is next.

Photographer

Hole-lee shit. Alright, well...um...say, John? What do you say we go ahead and do that one again? Just totally start over! Now, if you'd just clasp your hands...

John C. Calhoun

What? Why? That's a fantastically realistic portrait of me.

Photographer
An artist's eyes are required to catch this fatal flaw, I'm afraid.

John C. Calhoun
Sitting still there was a very tiresome process, one I would rather not endure again...

Photographer
No, no. I...you know, the...the background's shit. You know? It's shit. It's like, totally fucking... splotchy black. Who wants splotchy black? Powerful black, more like it! And what do you say to that "look directly at the camera" thing we talked about?

John C. Calhoun
I know. It's just Zach tried the "slightly down and to the right" thing. Thought I'd throw my own little thing in there. Calhounize it a little, you know?

Photographer
Sure thing. Your left eye certainly is down and to the left. Cool if I leave this one out of my portfolio?

THE "WOW, AT WHAT LIBRARY DO YOU TYPE THIS AT?" CONVERSATION OF THE NIGHT

Woman On Facebook, Who's Been On Her Phone Three Times

Hey, how do you spell Lindsay? Like the boy's name?

Unbelievably Stupid Woman Breathing Distractingly Loud Through Her Nose Sitting Right Next To Me, Unaware I'm Typing About Her This Very Second, On Internet Fishing Game

Shit, I don't know. I quit keepin' track of shit like that! Who cares? (Laughing)

Woman On Facebook, Who's Been On Her Phone Three Times

(Laughing) I know!

YET ANOTHER FORMAL APOLOGY

Sorry, not a lot of time today, and certainly not a lot of sports. I'm a creature of habit on Sundays, and my stupid superstitions were interrupted, but will be back in full force Thursday night.

Like you didn't prefer reading about 19th century photography.

(At this point, I had saved and published the blog. Then I heard this...)

Woman On Facebook, Who's Been On Her Phone Three Times

You have kids?

Unbelievably Stupid Woman Breathing Distractingly Loud Through Her Nose Sitting Right Next To Me, Unaware I'm Typing About Her This Very Second, On Internet Fishing Game

(EXTREMELY put-off sigh) Yeah. I been pregnant five times. I tell you what, they ain't nothin' but a pain in the ass.

Say it with me now: Hooray for the human race!