Don't Take This Seriously. I Don't Want The Cops Coming To My House.

I would say something along the lines of "Wow! Those guys have to quit doing that to us!", or "I don't know if my heart can take this team!", but then again, what's the alternative? Lose to Lord Overthrow, David Garrard? Get stuck on unlucky 13 again? Finish 13-3 after starting 13-0? I'll take the piss-in-my-bloodstream blood pressure, thank you very much. Ask a Tampa fan if they would take these cardio exercises every week.

So, are the 2009 Colts destined for immortality? Well, let's define immortality:

Let's say the Colts go 16-0 only to nosedive in the first round of the playoffs. First of all, don't expect a post the next day if that happens. If that nightmare scenario does come true, the only thing you should expect from FFGP2 is me on the east side of downtown, purchasing every ounce of hard drug I can find, mixing them in a blender, and injecting the liquid death into my neck while freefalling from the top of the Chase Tower. No, really. The police are going to question you, and you'll have a stupid face, saying, "Well, I mean, he did put on his website that he was going to do that exact thing, down to the rusty syringe in his neck, but, I don't know, I thought he was joking! He even put what I would say to you right now, this second. I thought it was a goof!" The badge, not to mention my family, will be very disappointed in your inactivity.

Now let's say the Colts go 16-0 only to nosedive in the AFC Championship Game. If it's to San Diego (again), go ahead and re-run what I just typed. Yep, the thing right up above.

Now let's say they get to 18-0 and lose in the Super Bowl. Big deal, right? That's been done before. No immortalilty there. Hell, if that were to happen again, maybe that would be the new trend in the league: win all of your games except the one that matters most. Maybe a team could do it every three years! And all the joy in watching New England lose that way? Yeah, that would...um...that would all be on us. Not good times. You know what? Let's go ahead and throw The Overdose Leap on this one, too.

Which leaves The Big One: run the table and win the Super Bowl. Sure, sport historians may argue down the road the league was weak this year, with too many shitty teams to count. Maybe that's the real reason we still have two unbeatens heading into Christmas. But you know what? It won't take away the fact that they did it, and it definitely won't take away the glee of shutting Mercury Morris the hell up. This isn't naive college, where a coach gets busted cheating, so the NCAA's response is, "Hey! The punishment? The punishment is...well...those games never happened! Yeah, that's it! We'll say you were never even IN the Final Four!" The trophy would be real, as would my memories when I'm 89 with shit running down my leg, explaining to my grandchildren how much of a beast Robert Mathis was. But really, I don't think anyone could knock that accomplishment in the "parity is good", salary capped NFL.

That's now officially the only acceptable ending to the season: win the fucking Super Bowl. This season is gigantic for the legacy of the Manning-era Colts. If they win? Manning now has two, which is still one less than Brady, but he would have done what Tom Terrific couldn't do in running the gauntlet. In my opinion (which will be unearthed by a future civilization, carved in their version of stone, and worshipped upon), Peyton's the best ever if they win this year.

If they lose? Well, that'll be two seasons in which they started 13-0 or better and didn't win the Super Bowl. Not too many teams on that list. They'll be known as the Atlanta Braves of the 00's, a team that was in it every single year, but every single year (except one) ended in playoff disappointment.

I can't stress enough how important the next month is. What I CAN do is stress other people out with my perpetual pessimism about a 14-0 football team!

P.S.
Peyton and the offense gets a ton of credit around here (and deservedly so), but the players of the game last night were Eric Foster and...

EXHIBIT A - FFGP2, September 22, 2009

Ray Rychleski, Colts Special Teams Coach

"Ok, so Chad, you remember the gameplan for returning kicks, right? What are you gonna do again when you catch the ball?"

Chad Simpson, Colts Kickoff Return Man

"I'm gonna run right into the first group of players I see. I won't look for holes, I'll just run right into them."

Rychleski

"Correct!"

EXHIBIT B - FFGP2, November 25, 2009

"If I make a pick on here, go the other way."

EXHIBIT C - December 17, 2009