Automatic Chuck

Charlie Weis has held more guns in this photograph than his defense has stops this season.

I, like so many other front-running, corn-fed Indiana boys, have grown up appreciating the illustrious history of Indiana University basketball and Notre Dame football. (Don't tell me IU has a football team, or Notre Dame has a basketball team. I won't listen.) IU is in the discussion of the top six or seven storied programs in NCAA basketball history, and Notre Dame is, if not first, in the top two or three in football. Combined, they have 16 national titles, six between 1973 and 1988.

Now, I was born in the summer of 1984, putting me at a whopping 2 when Bobby Knight brilliantly fouled skinny (hold your laughter) freshman Derrick Coleman, who clanked the front end of a one-and-one, leading to Keith Smart's now infamous shot. I was 3 when Heisman Trophy winner Tim Brown and Lou Holtz whooped up on West Virginia in the Fiesta Bowl. Therefore, I cannot claim neither team has won a title in my lifetime.

However, let's say you were born in 1989. You've heard all the stories of Indiana basketball and Notre Dame football. You're led to believe these are the cream of the crop in collegiate sport. They're historic programs, right? Eh....

Sure, Mike Davis had the 2002 Final Four run, and Notre Dame's made some bowl games (and by bowl games, I mean prison rapings). But seriously, guys. It's Indiana and Notre Dame. Get it turned around. Like, now. Actually, like ten years ago.

Not acceptable.


THIS WEEK'S "WHO THE FUCK IS GOING TO GO SEE THIS MOVIE?" PICK


Sandra Bullock Fans: "No. It's about football."

Football Fans: "No. It has Sandra Bullock in it."

Movie Fans: "No. I've...uh...(looking around)...I've got a book to read."

My rule? Anytime an established actor or actress goes with a questionable hair change, the kind that when you first see it you think "wow, that looks cheap", stay away. The movie's going to tank.

WHICH ONE IS THE REAL NBA PLAYER ANTHONY JOHNSON?

A.
B.
C.

THE "IS IT OK TO THINK THIS GUY IS A DOUCHEBAG EVEN THOUGH HE'S DONE A LOT OF GREAT CHARITABLE WORK? YES. YES IT IS." AWARD

So I work with a lady whose neighbor rents her house out to people during the Indianapolis 500 weekend. Just normal folks, usually. However, a couple years ago Lance Armstrong and Robin Williams (you knew they were friends, right?) wanted to rent out the house, so she let them. So what did my co-worker see the next day out of her window? Lance and his entourage doing shirtless one-armed push-ups in the front yard. Not Robin, though. She wouldn't have been able to tell if he were shirtless. But Lance and his buddies definitely were. Again, shirtless one-armed push-ups. Thanks! I'll be here all week!

THE "THIS NEEDS NO INTRODUCTION" VIDEO OF THE WEEK