Jake Delhomme Crying

Why the long face, Jake? After all, I'm the one that inexplicably bet on you to win a professional football game last night.

Don't ever let anyone tell you that sports make sense. They don't, and they never will.

Last night fully buttfucked that point in to me, as two bizarre things happened in two different sports. Let's take the NFL first. The Carolina Panthers had been playing decent as of late (you know, on the Delhomme Curve), bludgeoning hot Arizona at their place, hanging tough and ultimately letting a victory slip away against juggernaut New Orleans, and then hammering schizophrenic Atlanta. Even the stats geeks at Football Outsiders were kinda, sorta starting to believe in their improvement.

Now take their opponents, the Miami Dolphins. They had just lost their best offensive player (Ronnie Brown) for the remainder of the season. Their "best" wide receiver (Ted Ginn, Jr.) is featured in a commercial where they show him leaping to make a spectacular catch, only they edit it before he comes down. Why would they do that, you ask? Oh yeah, that's right. I was watching that game. He dropped the ball.

After a few stinkbombs (one against dreadful Tampa Bay) their quarterback Chad Henne apparently got a talkin' to from Bill Parcells, in which something along the lines of "look, if you don't play better, you won't play in the NFL" happened.

(Another thing with Henne: I haven't seen it as much in the pros, but when he was in college, he would always have this goofy smile on his face after incompletions, which would have enraged me if I didn't hate Michigan football so much. Hell, it still enraged me.)

"I know I just overthrew my receiver by eight yards on a crucial third down, but you'll have to admit, going your whole career without beating Ohio State once is pretty hilarious."

So naturally, I took the Panthers and the under. So what happened? Ricky Williams (you know, the guy who took a year off to smoke pot) scored three TD's and the Dolphins won the game. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhkay. So much for trends.

(One thing that is funny: You know how when you start to type something into Google, they always try to finish your phrase to make it easier on you? So you don't have to type as much? When you type "Jake Delhomme" into Google Images three things pop up: "Jake Delhomme crying"; "Jake Delhomme wife"; and "Jake Delhomme interception". Jake Delhomme crying?? I'm going to go on a limb and say he's a subpar quarterback.)

Now to the NBA. High scoring Phoenix went to New Orleans, who just lost their best player (Chris Paul) to injury and just recently fired their coach. Tim Floyd is their assistant coach, for Christ's sake. Should be a romp, right? Wrong. New Orleans by seven.

Being an oddsmaker must be like printing money.

***

Speaking of things that make no sense, this was originally going to be the spot where I bragged about going to see LeBron tonight. Cleveland is in town to play the Pacers, so I got online today to get myself and a friend a ticket. I wanted two $28 tickets. So let's do the math:

28 + 28 = 56 (My math)

28 + 28 = 81 (Ticketmaster's math)

Now I know everybody's familiar with Ticketmaster's bullshit policies, but really? You're tagging THAT much on now for your bullshit service charges? And it's an additional $2.50 to print off your own ticket! So I called the box office:

Me: Hi, I'd like to buy two $28 to the game tonight, please.

Ticket Guy: Sorry. You can't buy tickets over the phone. You have to go online through Ticketmaster or come to the box office.

Me: Yeah, I was trying to get around all those vague service fees.

Ticket Guy: Sorry.

Gee. Thanks. So then a few hours goes by, and I'm wondering if I can wait until I get off work to run over there. So I call again:

Me: Hi, I was just wondering how many more $28 tickets are still available to tonight's game.

Ticket Lady: I don't know.

(At this point I'm waiting for a follow-up check, or ANYTHING. Maybe typing? I'm even waiting to hear breathing at this point)

Me: Um, hello?

Ticket Lady: I don't know, sir. I don't know how many are left. I can't check. I don't think too many.

Wow, thanks Conseco Fieldhouse box office! I know the economy's hurting, and people want to lay off workers. Well now I have a good goddamn idea where they can start. So that leads to this fictional call with a Ticketmaster rep:

Me: Hi, I was just wondering why you charge so much for service fees. It doesn't even say what they're for, and there's another one when you check out, so you're actually double-taxing me for something when I'm actually doing all the work myself. Can you explain these fees?

Ticketmaster: Well...they're...um...they're charges for the...you know...the, uh, the service.

Me: But there is no service. I'm picking my seat. I'm typing my credit card number in. And on top of all that, I'm printing my own ticket off. What exactly are you doing to deserve one cent from me?

Ticketmaster: Um...well...it's, uh...it's...have a great time at the game, sir!

Me: Fuck you.

Ticketmaster: Have a nice Thanksgiving, sir.

ALLEGED QUOTES OF THE WEEK

"I dropped a pass and (Mangino) was mad. And I said, 'Yes, sir. Yes, sir.' The yelling didn't bother me. But then he said, 'Shut up!' He said, 'If you don't shut up, I'm going to send you back to St. Louis so you can get shot with your homies.'" ~ Raymond Brown, former Kansas wide receiver, about Kansas head coach Mark Mangino

"One day, (Mangino) said in front of the entire team, 'Are you going to be a lawyer or do you want to become an alcoholic like your dad?'" ~ Brown, about Mangino again

"He told me he'd send me back to Oakland where I could be drinking out of a brown paper bag. He told me, 'You were a shit friend to someone I knew that passed away.' He called me a bum. He showed me no respect. He told me he'd send me back to the ghetto." ~ Joe Mortensen, former Kansas linebacker, about Mangino

Another story was that a player fell asleep during a team meeting and woke up on the floor because Mangino pushed him. While on the floor, Mangino kicked him, then violently shook him when he got up.

Unreal. You have to keep up with this.

***

Wait a minute. Was I trying to prove a point that sports don't make sense by using Jake Delhomme losing, a 35 year old white guy point guard losing, and Ticketmaster's service charge policy? Ouch. No wonder I don't get paid to write this.