Cut The Sleeves Off A Colts Hoodie

One rival down, one to go. A trip to Baltimore awaits the Colts, a city who hates this team with every fiber in their being. But with all due respect, Baltimore, you are the only city I've ever been to where I personally witnessed a (disgustingly fat) prostitute and her trick discussing payment and service - in the daytime. I wouldn't exactly put that on your resume.


With that said, I used to feel pretty guilty about the whole "stealing the Colts in the middle of the night" thing. That was, um, pretty low. To say the least. Then I learned a few things that gave a little perspective to the whole situation, and while the manner in which it happened can never be fully defended, let me try. Because I know I'm going to hear about it all pregame:

(And by the way, I'm fully aware that no one from Baltimore is reading this. I'm like a lawyer arguing in an empty courtroom.)

1) Between 1978 and 1984 (the year the Colts moved to Indy) Baltimore won a grand total of 26 games, and the strike in '82 mercifully ended an 0-8-1 campaign. Not exactly Unitas out there. Add in Elway's refusal to play there, another quarterback (you know, the leader of the team) suspended a year for gambling, and absolutely dreadful attendance, and you have all the makings for relocation.

2) I've always grown tired of Baltimore's boo hoo act because, oh I don't know, THEY STOLE THE BROWNS. As soon as Art Modell snatched them up (arguably just as historic of a franchise) and moved them, Baltimore should have shut its mouth.

My mom has a Colts license plate holder, and somebody from Maryland with a Ravens sticker drove by and flipped her off*. Really? You know, because my mom had something to do with the move. If somebody steals an HD TV from you, so you steal an HD TV from somebody else, don't go to the cops crying that someone stole your HD TV.

*They really gave her a thumbs down sign with a playful smile. I didn't think that sounded bad enough.

If you gave anyone from Cleveland a gun and said, "Shoot the douchebag", they would be confused for 45 minutes, flip a coin, and ultimately shoot Art Modell. I think.

3) Here's my favorite part: According to David Halberstam's excellent book "The Education of a Coach", Ted Marchibroda hired a young upstart with enormous potential in 1975 to study film and act as a pseudo-assistant.

Baltimore went from 2-12 in 1974 to 10-4 in 1975, then 11-3 in '76, and 10-4 in '77, and a large portion of the credit among the coaches and players went to this smart, young coach. So what did Baltimore do? Surely they locked this guy up, right? Any competent team would recognize this guy and reward him for his commitment to winning and turning the franchise around, right?

Nope. Detroit offered that same coach $10,000 and a car to go coach there, but Marchibroda was desperate to keep him, and the coach wanted to stay. Marchibroda said he'd fight to get him $4,000 (but no car) and the coach reluctantly agreed. He liked it there that much. Still, management scoffed at paying a young, non-head coach that much money ($4,000!) and let him go. They were notoriously cheap. So Bill Belichick went to Detroit.

(During Marchibroda's negotiations, Belichick sat outside next to the man waiting to discuss a new stadium. If $4,000 was too much, you can only imagine what management said to that man regarding new digs. Flash forward to 1983, and the stadium thing was still an issue. Blame yourselves.)

Sure, it's unfair to think Belichick would still be here, but here's some pictures just for fun:

Yes, I feel bad. But it's not exactly like we got a juggernaut over here. My first sports memory (in person) was Jeff George running out of the tunnel to MERCILESS booing while he egged on the crowd to boo him even louder. And that was a home game.

I've enjoyed the Peyton Manning era so much because I remember the old days. I remember the half-filled dome. I remember other kids laughing when I wore a Colts shirt (yes, I know how pathetic that sounds - I don't want your sympathy). I remember everyone cheering on Dallas my freshman year of high school and scoffing at the Colts (all of these people are "huge" Colts fans now, by the way) and saying Peyton Manning would never amount to anything. I remember the winless, Paul Justin-led Colts beating the defending Super Bowl champion Green Bay Packers at home. When you've gone through that, you cherish the wins just a little bit more.

So...can we have that $15 mil back?

4) Hilarious story I learned from ESPN's awesome "30 For 30" series: Colts owner Bob Irsay (a HUGE, often public drunk) called up his son (current Colts owner Jim Irsay, then general manager for Baltimore) while he was drunk one night and told him to go to Indianapolis the very next day, and to forget negotiating with Phoenix for the Colts. So the next day, Jim gets a call from Bob asking him where he is. After saying something along the lines of "Indianapolis, like you told me to", Bob was livid. "Indianapolis? What the hell are you doing in Indianapolis?" He was so drunk he forgot he told him to go there. And that's why my favorite team is in the city I grew up in.

Oh, and by the way, the Colts have owned the Ravens and their "vaunted defense" in recent years, and they didn't impress me in the least against the abysmal Browns. I'm not scared at all. Colts by nine.

WHY THE NBA IS JUST FLAT OUT BETTER

The college basketball preseason All-Americans were just announced, and along with Sherron Collins of Kansas and Patrick Patterson of Kentucky, here's the other three:

Kyle Singler, Duke

Luke Harangody, Notre Dame

Cole Aldrich, Kansas

I tell you what. If even one of those guys makes ONE NBA All-Star team, I'll give everyone reading this $100. If those are honestly the best guys playing, I'll sit this one out.