I Bet You'll Leave Disappointed

Welcome to FFGP2: PM Edition, home of the man who bets on the Sacramento Kings, a team with 88 combined wins the previous three seasons! Prior to making that prediction, Google Trends had FFGP2 as the 9th most popular search for that particular day. After? I was sandwiched between "Joe Paterno+nude" and Expedia's page dedicated to creating a roundtrip flight from Cleveland to Miami for the week of the Super Bowl. Not a good day.

If anything, you learned a good lesson about the NBA from my stupidity: Never, EVER bet on it. Just don't. You can do all the analysis you want. You can assume some teams are just flat-out better than their opponents. You can find out what refs are doing what games (and look into how many fouls they call, affecting the over/under possibilities). But in the end, it really doesn't matter what you do - you will lose 8 out of 10 times. It's just that crazy of a league. I'm doing extensive research to attempt a possible crack, but it's not looking good.

As I'm typing this, I took the over (200) in the Pacers/Clippers game. Two shitty defensive teams going at it? And they only have to average 100.5 points each? With the scoring this season reaching ABA-levels, I'll gladly take that!

Not even 20 seconds after I placed my bet, Danny Granger was announced as a late scratch, and the two teams have combined to shoot 26% from the field for a combined 31 points through the first quarter. The lesson? If I make a pick on here, go the other way. My luck is to the point where if I adopted a puppy tonight, I'd probably find it dead tomorrow morning.

THE WORLD'S WORST "FAN"

Yep, I've found him (or them, actually). The most annoying, despicable kind of fan out there. And I have two examples:

A) I watched one of the Penguins-Red Wings Stanley Cup games last summer at one of my good friend's house, and he invited one of his friends (whom I hadn't had the displeasure of meeting before this particular night) over to watch the game as well. Now, my father is originally from Washington, Pennsylvania, a town about 20 minutes outside of Pittsburgh, so I grew up rooting for the Lemieux-Jagr Pens teams of the early 90's. I love Crosby and would spoon with Evgeni Malkin next to a fireplace if asked. In other words, I follow them. They are one of my favorite teams, and have been my whole life. Them winning the Stanley Cup is a big, big deal to me.

So this guy that comes over? Knows nothing about the NHL (in other words, he's a normal American). He knows it's mostly white guys and they play on ice, basically. So he's just an unbiased guy quietly watching the game with us, right?

Wrong. He's ANNOYINGLY (and very, very openly) rooting for the Red Wings. "Come on, Detroit!" "Let's go, Wings!" He's even saying stupid things like, "Yes!" and exhaling when Osgood would make a save. Saying things like, "Hurt him!" when Crosby's skating by the boards. So I say, "Dude, can you name one player on the Red Wings? Just one?" He couldn't. "Then shut up. This is a big deal to me," I say. Needless to say, it was an awkward first and last encounter.

Lick my butt and suck on my balls.

B) This one, however, doesn't have as easy of an exit. My mom's new boyfriend came over one Saturday when I happened to be there (whenever that Penn State-Michigan game was, and when Notre Dame used to field a football team). Now, this guy doesn't follow football that much. He really has no allegiances. So what does he do? Sits down on the couch, finds out who I'm rooting for, and openly roots for the other teams.

I guess I know which relationship to root against.

LEBRON'S NUMBER

Me

Hey, LeBron! I heard you want to retire the number 23?

LeBron

Yeah. I just think we should all honor MJ and the impression he made on this league.

Me

Well, I hated that you ever picked 23 in the first place, but I guess that's cool that you're coming around. What number do you want?

LeBron

Six. Something about my kids' birthdays and my Olympic number and...

Me

Six? So you want to retire Jordan's number because everything he did for the game, but you want Bill Russell's number? A guy who couldn't stay at the same hotels and eat at the same restaurants as his white teammates, but pushed through and eventually won 11 titles, and was the first black player/coach? Or Dr. J's number, the guy who Jordan stole many of his moves from? The guy who practically invented the phrase "above the rim"? You want those guys' numbers?

LeBron

Stop trying to prove a point on your bullshit website. I'm a super-duper-duper-duper star. You've sat around and bet on the Pacers and Clippers to get 200 points. Shut your mouth.

Me

Yes, Mr. James.

FORMAL APOLOGY

I'll be the first person to tell you today was half-assed. One picture (and it's hockey) and no videos. Nothing entertaining really at all. I ate at Qdoba for lunch today, took a shit, wiped, looked at the toilet paper before throwing it in the bowl, and it was this piece. I'll have something better later this week. Promise.