THE LEGEND RETURNS TO LAMBEAU

Quit rubbing your eyes, Packer fan. You and I both know that wasn't an apparition or Halloween costume at Lambeau Field this past Sunday.

He came home.

Beloved former Packers kicker Ryan Longwell returned to the site of many of his heroic achievements over an illustrious 13-year NFL career, nine of which were spent booting game-winners on the Frozen Tundra of Green Bay. Unfortunately for the currently constructed 2009 Green Bay Packers (and even more unfortunate for their live-or-die fanbase to witness) on this particular day, Longwell was in Minnesota Vikings purple.

Five succesful extra points and one majestic 41-yard field goal later, the Cheeseheads slowly made their pathetic paths towards the exits, knowing in full the penetrating agony of a good ol' fashioned buttfuck. A brutal, raw thrashing by a Legend. A Legend they once had.

But let us not forget the magical season of 33 successful field goals in 2000-2001, Pack fans. Cherish the 98.94% extra point percentage in the green and yellow. Four field goals of 50+ yards in 2005-2006? Nobody in Minnesota will ever take that away from you.

Sometimes, there's nothing you can do but tip your hat.

It's official: nothing is sacred.

***

On to the Colts. Yeah, they didn't play their best. Yeah, Peyton was off. And yeah, when Frank Gore ripped that 64-yard run RIGHT up the middle (seriously, we practiced defending "dive left" in my two week stint of fifth grade football) I made the same face as Danny's doctor in The Shining after Wendy tells her about the time Jack got hammered and pulled Danny's arm:

With that said, I'm treasuring 7-0. It's unbelievable to expect 7-0, let alone get it when you expect it. Being a Colts fan is so rewarding, it's an every week struggle to not take it for granted. At least until I expect an early playoff exit, too. Let's keep the eye on the prize, boys...

PICTURE OF THE WEEK

Hey, uh, Tom Moore? I don't know if you know this, but you're the senior offensive coordinator for one of the most efficient offenses in football. Can you look like it? You'll probably be shown on TV a lot. Or are you honestly busy every second of the day gameplanning and breaking down your next opponent's defensive schemes, leaving zero minutes for personal hygiene? When I first saw this, my initial reaction was, "Jesus, Disney sure is promoting the shit out of that new Jim Carrey movie." Actually, Tom, don't change. Don't change at all.

BIGGEST PET PEEVE IN SPORTS RIGHT NOW

When Yankee fans are praying in the late innings of a close game.

***

THE EVOLUTION OF SPORT

Guy #1

I was thinking. What if I got, you know, like a few other guys. Then, you got a few other guys. Then we could, like, get a ball, or something. Something we could carry. Maybe an apple? Write apple down. Then, we can fight for position while carrying the apple. And, once you get to a certain point, we can mark it with a stick or paint or something, you score, and whoever scores the most in a certain amount of time wins.

And, over time, that was awesome. We loved it. Then, this guy came around:

Guy #2

You know, I can't believe I'm saying this, but football kind of bores me. I love it and all, don't get me wrong. The 9-6 leather helmet-clad battles are exhilerating and everything, but after awhile, I need something more. I've got it! You like the Quakers, right? Well, I like the Independents. I'll bet you some of my factory wages that the Independents will win. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. Not exactly going out on a limb, right? Even I know what a carpetbagging scallywag that Quaker coach Bob Folwell is! But what if I gave you, say, four points? So the Independents have to win by five or more for me to win my bet? You up for that?

And, over time, that was awesome. We loved it. Then along came this guy:

Guy #3

Man, I can't get enough of watching this sport, and on top of that, betting on it's outcome! But let's spice it up a bit. Watching sports and gambling are two pretty mundane things, right? Not exciting enough? What if, now hear me out, what if we grabbed 11 other dudes and we could draft our own teams? You know, like, you like Eric Dickerson. What if I said you could have Eric Dickerson on a team, that we keep track of, and whoever gets the most points at the end wins? We could just draft the most productive players at every position, regardless of our personal allegiances! We could even play each other every week!

Guy #3.5

That sounds like some kind of Dungeons & Dragons shit. Wouldn't we mercilessly ridicule nerds if they came up with this? Why would it be socially accepted if we did it?

Guy #3

You can play team defensessssssssss. Trust me!

And, over time...you get it. But this is when it becomes a problem:

Guy #4

Alright, I need New Orleans to win by 11 or more, but it can't be Jeremy Shockey doing any of the damage. Oh, and Roddy White can't have a big game. So, as long as New Orleans beats Atlanta by 12, the Atlanta D holds Shockey without a touchdown, and Roddy White is controlled by the Saints secondary and catches less than six balls, I win! As long as that exact, specific scenario plays out, I can see my daughter alive tonight! The extortion will stop! I love sports!

***

To my Laker fan friends: does Staples always chant MVP for DJ Mbenga when he's at the foul line? I saw this spectacle during the Hawks game and wondered if it was a big inside joke in LA. Lord knows we get it that Kobe won that award two years ago, meaning you chant that every single time he gets to the line, we all get that. I'm just lost on Mbenga.

"Guys, did you hear that? They were chanting MVP! Now can I go out to eat with you after games?"

FAKE QUOTE OF THE WEEK

"Alright, guys. I understand everybody was excited about Ryan coming back. But that was a heck of a ballgame the other 105 guys put on just now. He's a heck of a player. Heck of a damn player, and we had some great years together here. But let's keep our questions about the Packers this week or the Lions after the bye, and we should have no problem keeping this thing rolling."

~Minnesota Vikings quarterback Brett Favre, during the post game press conference

REAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK

"When I dove, my head hit his knee. He might have slipped a couple of jabs in there. It didn't affect me. You know I fight in the summer, so it's all good."

~New York Knicks forward Al Harrington, responding to a question regarding his altercation with Hornets guard Chris Paul

"On two occasions, one back in '86 and the other in '88, he hit me. The second time in the face. However on attempts to call law enforcement, my husband would rip the phone out of the wall."

~Sandy Cable, former wife of Oakland Raiders coach Tom Cable

"More than 20 years ago, during my first marriage, I became aware that my wife Sandy had committed adultery. I became very angry and slapped her with an open hand. What I did was wrong and I have regretted and felt sorrow about that moment ever since."

~Oakland Raiders coach Tom Cable

"He constantly made accusations throughout the relationship. There was never any infidelity on my part. And he did not slap me, he punched me."

~Sandy Cable

Wait, did I get that whole "fake" and "real" thing mixed up?