Count Arnaz, and Around the NFL

Before we get one word further, what the FUCK happened to Sammy Sosa? Seriously, what the hell? I have no jokes or cheap shots to make at this, other than the fact that he's somewhere between a Dominican Michael Myers and Count Desi Arnaz. So I guess I do have a cheap shot. But seriously? His skin is beyond creepy, and the green contacts are INSANE. I actually called up a friend, interrupted him during a movie, and demanded that he get on a computer so I could personally hear his initial reaction to Slammin's new look. Needless to say, he was completely horrified and kept asking me if this was a joke, two reactions you would want from someone if the point of conversation revolved around your personal appearance.

It's already being covered, and I'm sure now that Rome has mentioned it the jokes will explode, but I don't need jokes. I need answers. It's been haunting me all weekend.

***

Ah, back to the gridiron. The Colts squeaked by the Texans, leading to the best game in sports right now, and a hype I'll hear this entire week (and am fine with): Colts v. Pats. I can't wait.

Since I've had readers emailing me and complaining about a lack of pictures lately (can't a man dream of negative reader emails?), here's a deluxe edition of pictures of the week! What an embarrassment of riches for you!

PICTURES OF THE WEEK

CBS Guy #1: Showing highlights just isn't enough. We need something else...

CBS Guy #2: Um...how about the athletes involved awkwardly standing in front of a green-screened version of the highlight?

CBS Guy #1: Wow! That janitor just stuck his head in our meeting and pitched an idea! I like it!

Does anyone like the Fox Robot? Anybody? I bet even a Vietnam veteran watching football to ease the four decades of post traumatic stress syndrome wanted to break his TV. Playing a guitar behind your head is one thing, Fox Robot, but you should be ashamed of yourself.

Remember when Tiki Barber retired, claiming he wanted to branch out from football and try other things? Reporting live from East Rutherford, New Jersey, home of the New York Giants, after a football game, Tiki Barber! Keep up the branching, Tiki!

The best part of the Chargers-Giants game yesterday? The chance for a Tom Coughlin-Norv Turner split screen! With Norv's pockmarked neck and constant "I'm deciding if this is going to be a fart or shit" face, to Tom's red cheeked, quasi-dictatorial face, with a perpetual "huh?" expression, this one was a classic. Norv escaped me here, however, leading to an epic pursuit...

Nope...

Almost...

Touchdown!

I hope they play the Sage "I'm Gonna Be A Hero, And By 'Be A Hero', I Mean 'Fumble'" Rosenfels helicopter leap every single time the Colts and Texans play. Every single time. Doesn't this look like a grainy assassination photo? Or a "Faces of Death" screenshot?

And now, this week's version of...

MAN, I BET THAT COACH IS A REAL ASSHOLE

Congratulations to the Kubester, Gary Kubiak! You have joined Jim Mora, Jr. as the first two members of this prestigious club!

In a related story, the Widow's Peak has been renamed the "Gary Kubiak".

And now...

WHICH ONE OF THESE INEXPLICABLE ALBUMS/BANDS DID I MAKE UP?

Current Bengal/former Colt/perpetual dropper Ben Utecht, Christian recording artist.

Free Reign, featuring Dallas Cowboys offensive linemen Corey Proctor, Justin Chapman, Leonard Davis, and Marc Columbo.

Costas & Tone, with broadcaster Bob Costas and Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo creating a delicious concoction of worldbeat/electronica/folk/soul.

WHAT'S DIFFERENT?

If you said "The bottom picture's microphone is floating in the air and there's no hand in the middle" you're right! Given the voice and appearance (given 10 years) there's absolutely no difference!

THE "SHOULD I BE LOOKING AT THIS WEBSITE AT WORK? WILL PEOPLE THINK I'M GAY?" VIDEO (THAT MIGHT NOT WORK BECAUSE BLOGGER SUCKS) OF THE WEEK