Shitberg, Right Ahead!

Alright, so I was a little off. I thought this game would be a lot easier. But come on! I said the Colts would win by nine. If they score a touchdown there at the end, they win by exactly nine.

And if the queen had a dick, she'd be king.

What are you doing listening to my advice about anything, anyway? Remember, I'm the guy that looked deep into Jake Delhomme's baby browns and said, "Give me the Panthers for $500."

Speaking of Jake Delhomme and taking a shit, has anyone seen the NFL schedule for next Sunday? It makes me want to see what my grandma is doing that day. Perhaps a Game Show Network marathon is in the cards for me, and I recommend you do the same.

PICS OF THE WEEK

Wade Phillips: The King of Bullshit Celebrations. I love how he acted like such a hardass after Washington's kicker missed a potential game-winning field goal (the second time he's done this while escaping this season). He's made a living off this sort of thing. Does he realize a game with a bottom-5 team came down to that, and that his offense only scored 7 points? And a combined 14 for the last two weeks? I can't wait until he's fumbling over the teleprompter on CBS in two years.

Hey, uh, New York Post? I think your, uh, your graphics guy typed in "cum" instead of "tears" for your Rex Ryan crying parody. Just a thought. Where have I seen this before?

Ahhhh, there it is.

Wizard of Oz Casting Director: Alright, who's the next guy auditioning?

Assistant: His name is Bill Sherman. He's a fine young actor from NYU.

Wizard of Oz Casting Director: Is he gay? Remember, I said I only want gay actors and actresses in this film. I want it to be very noticeable to future generations watching.

Assistant: You got it, sir. Gay it is.

Yeah, I know. Harrington's been out of the league for two years now, so this picture is about as relevant as a Mark Chmura post-prom party joke. I just think it's hilarious.

And now for a new game sweeping the nation...

"LET'S DISSECT THE AUDIENCE OF THE BLUE COLLAR COMEDY TOUR!"
(I know, I know. It was a slow Sunday)

My favorite thing about this picture (other than imagining this guy opening up a present Christmas morning, turning to his wife, and saying, "Would Larry the Cable Guy wear this? Sharon! You look me in the goddamn eye! Would Larry the Cable Guy wear this? No! He wouldn't! So take the fuckin' thing back.") is the CMT HD logo at the bottom. CMT: Where you can now see ugly people clearer!

"We have worse teeth!"

"No! We do!"

This reminds me: I went to the dentist last week, and I have an abnormal jaw. It's been sore for a while, and my dentist took some X-rays and it turns out my lower jaw is big and my upper jaw is small. It's honestly like you took two different ones and put them together. Because of this, I have the "straightest wisdom teeth they've ever seen." Um...thanks? So here were my options:

Option A: Have reconstructive face/jaw surgery. It works like a knee operation, where they would cut my skin open and move my jaw around until it fits with their hands. This would be followed by braces. Other people who have had it? "Um, some have had pretty good results."

Option B: Live with slight, slight, slight, slight, slight jaw discomfort for the rest of my life, and sometimes I go weeks without even noticing it.

Can anyone help me? It's such a tough decision.

What's so funny about this guy in the blue hat, you ask? Nothing, really. I'm laughing at Brad Childress laughing his dick off to the right.

Game within a game: Where's 1986 Indianapolis 500 winner Bobby Rahal?

Did you find him?

Good job!

Somebody that looks like Dale Earnhardt getting into redneck jokes? So much so that he's whooping and doing the Arsenio arm motion? I won't believe it. Doesn't the guy up and to the right look like Dustin Diamond?

This is where I would have been sitting: The "Not Amused by Ron White" section. The guy in the front with his arms crossed looks like he's saying, "Come on, mother fucker. Make me laugh. Make me forget the fact that the woman sitting to my right is my wife, and that my daughter is fucking a colored boy." Maybe that private detective in the shades could help him out in some way.

My favorite guy: The "Hey, I do that! That's me! That's just like me! I relate to what the observational comedian is saying!" And the wife's, "Oh, that's my husband! That is you! That is so you!" Aren't you regretting clicking on this link today?

Game within a game part two: Watching a gruesome murder that they had a hand in, or enjoying stand-up comedy?

Or...

Well, the one on the right is watching someone die that she cares about. Not so with the sick fuck on the left.

Inbred Michael Cera, would you mind sitting between a man with a peculiarly shaped head and Redneck Chris Benoit? What if we put the only thing even resembling a slightly attractive (by our standards, of course) girl behind you?

I don't know what's funnier: Unamused Fred Krueger, or the guy sitting next to him watching a female disrobe for the first time.

Shhhh, young Kornheiser is sleeping.

College-aged Dennis Green! What are you doing here?

I knew he was doing something other than gameplanning for UConn...

Paterno doesn't know whether to laugh or be disgusted by his wife's laughter.

TONIGHT'S PICK THAT YOU SHOULD LIGHT ON FIRE

Betting on the NBA is a crapshoot. Don't do it. With that said, the Memphis Grizzlies have lost 8 of their last 9 games, and have given up or gotten 100 points in seven of those games. The Sacramento Kings have the emerging Jason Thompson, and have scored over 100 points in every single game except one so far this year, including an 11 point win over the Grizz just 21 days ago. For some reason, the Grizzlies are favored by 5.

My bet of the night? The Sacramento Kings and the over.

Yes, I know. They're one of the worst teams in the league. But hey, it makes this shitfest a little more interesting, right?

P.S.

Did you really think I put $500 on Jake Delhomme? I really hope not.

COMING LATER THIS WEEK...

A truly bizarre video from Fox's Sunday pregame show, and a fantastically fun new game (one that involves sports - I promise - that even makes women laugh)